As a committed eco warrior I do get rather miffed with our menfolk for ruining Planet Earth and I will always do whatever it takes to thwart them and protect this orb we live on from becoming the barren husk of a rock it surely will become should the males of our species carry on ruining everything.
Lately I have turned my attention to the contentious matter of how our farmers (all men don’t you know) through use of pesticides are killing off the bee populations and with that threatening to wipe out the human race. I mean when I was but a small child there were bees all about the place yet now so few of them left…….so very few…….even just thinking about their plight brings tears to my eyes. So sad – Oh dear I’ve come over all girlie again, silly me.
Whatever, just the other day I read this oh so inspiring quote by Albert Einstein (yes I know girls Albert was a man yet clearly one in touch with his feminine side). Anyway Albert once said: “If the bee disappears from the surface of the earth, man would have no more than four years to live. No more bees, no more pollination … no more men!” Note he said ‘men.’
It was after a few glasses of ethically and organically produced pear cider prompting a jolly good think that I came up with my master plan to save the bees and punish the men who have been killing them – those wretched farmers!
Whilst I have about my person at all times an ample stock of pepper spray as a protection against the roving eyes and hands of men I determined that in order to enact my cunning plan I really needed a Taser gun. You see these little beasts are an electroshock weapon using electrical current to disrupt voluntary control of muscles causing “neuromuscular incapacitation”. Any poor sod struck by one experiences stimulation of his sensory nerves and motor nerves, resulting in strong involuntary muscle contractions. In short such men are rendered quivering useless wrecks – oh I go all of a tingle just thinking about it. To this end I got one off eBay.
My plan you ask? It is this, namely that armed with my handy Taser gun I shall incapacitate as many farmers as possible, bind them in twine whilst defenceless, strip them of all clothing, tie them to a tree or lamppost or such like and attach a sign about their personage saying, ‘BEE MURDERER,’ phone the media and have them duly shamed, ridiculed and embarrassed far and wide. That’ll teach them a lesson they deserve don’t you think? When you men mess with bees, you mess with Naomi Wholemeal! Oh I am so very clever at times I surprise myself.
Obviously all great schemes need a careful trial run prior to implementation to make sure everything goes smoothly.
Now I have a plot at our local allotment where I grow my cucumbers, marrows, courgettes and an array of soft fruits. The plot next to mine is that of a sweet old man called Sydney and Sydney, as much as I have taken to him – what with him always giving me cups of tea, sticky buns and kind words – uses pesticides on his crops. I decided that an allotment holder is almost a farmer and that meant good old Sydney frankly deserved to be my guinea pig!
“Hello Naomi luv would you care to share with me some tea, scones, clotted cream and homemade strawberry jam my wife has prepared – there’s easily enough for two here?”
“Not today Sydney………well you could leave some on the side……..yes do that……….anyway Sydney I’m sorry to have to do this but I’ve decided that as you are a bee killer you need to be punished……….so you can cop a few thousand volts from my Taser gun for starters.”
ZAP………SCREAM……..THUD AS SYDNEY FALLS TO THE GROUND QUIVERING SOMEWHAT
“Golly that cream tea looks tasty must remember to take some home after I’ve dealt with Sydney.”
So there you have it. I tied the old boy to the bus stop outside the allotments and left him there stark bollock naked with the BEE KILLER sign around his neck and telephoned the local paper who sent a news team out quicker than you could say ‘Jack Robinson’ – the whole thing went viral on the net and everything. A major coup for a clever girl like me! There won’t be a farmer safe on the planet now I reckon.
It was with this thought in mind that I penned my latest poem.
SYDNEY THE BEE KILLER
Old Sydney is a kind old man
He even communes with trees
Yet by using all those pesticides
He is killing all the bees
So that is why I tasered him
And trussed him up somewhat
Luckily it was a hot summer’s day
For clothes he did have not
Tied up to a bus stop
He wore just a ‘bee killer’ sign
Crafted by yours truly
The kudos is all mine
Next time I did see Sydney
He said, ‘fuck off you caused me pain’
So I got out my Taser gun
And tasered him again
That’ll learn him!
After that I had the overwhelming desire to talk to the bees and tell them what I’d done and as they seemed so very chuffed to see me I let them crawl all over my torso so they could get right up close and hear what I had to tell them – I must say the little bastards stung me something rotten though – never mind for with justice comes a little pain and anyway the nice man who looked after the hive was not backward in coming forward when it came to massaging the Aloe Vera ointment over my breasts – uncommonly keen for one usually so reticent. Odd that!
Anyhow must be off – I’ve a lentil bake to make.