An extract from the autobiography of Twatersley Fromage MBE
KENSINGTON, LONDON; FEBRUARY 1942: It was all getting a bit too much for me. What with the vicious Hun almost at our doorstep and the wily Japs running rampant through the Far East it was so bloody difficult to concentrate on The Times Crossword. To make matters worse and what with wartime shortages my club in Belgravia had run out of hot pimiento stuffed green olives making a martini unpalatable to the extent that they had been forced to knock cocktail hour on the head. How one suffers in time of war! And then the telegram arrived; a missive from an old flame no less!
Dearest Twatersley (STOP) Long time no see (STOP) A grave situation has arisen (STOP) Need your assistance as a matter of some urgency (STOP) These days am domiciled in Singapore (STOP) News is that the Japs will invade within the next few days (STOP) Thing is I have in my possession secret plans and documents (STOP) They relate to an invention of my late husband Sir Humphrey (STOP) You do remember Humpers do you not (STOP) Oh silly me of course you would given the set to you both had at Henley Regatta (STOP) He was always a jealous man and never fully accepted the child was of his loins (STOP) Anyway said documents left in my safe care yet Japs must not lay their hands on them (STOP) You see Humpers in anticipation of war had invented a Sex Change Ray Gun (STOP) He took the view if the ray gun was used on an invading army and turned all the soldiers into females (STOP) Then all we would have to do especially so with the Japanese would be to give them Kodak Brownie cameras and they would happily mess around giggling and taking pictures rather than fighting (STOP) Super wheeze if you think about it (STOP) Time is of the essence Twatters (STOP) You are the most enterprising man (STOP) Please get over here and retrieve the plans ASAP (STOP) Winnie will be ever so grateful (STOP)
Yours eternally (STOP)
Lady Penelope Sittingbourne-Sheppey (STOP)
PS (STOP) A little Savlon ointment would not go amiss (STOP)
Crumbs, a telegram from my first true love – my Penny – the self-same girl who broke my heart when she went orf and married that awful knighted scientist chappie Sir Humpers. Clever bastard that he was it was gratifying to note he had snuffed it, no doubt through over fornication given Penny’s active appetite and exuberance in that regard. Back in the day they called her the Nymphomaniac of Sloane Square for sound reason – I still have the carpet burns even now. Still her message afforded me the opportunity of saving the nation and winning back her heart all in one foul swoop. Plainly there was no time to waste – Singapore or bust!
Given the gravity of the situation and the obvious requirement for secrecy I took the view that it be best if I travel alone covertly. Biggin Hill airfield in Kent was my first port of call. Disguised as an Air Commodore (and yes with the tube of Savlon stored about my person) I requisitioned a Lancaster bomber and made haste for Singapore. Regrettably I had forgotten to check the fuel levels that were running empty not long after take-off causing me to crash land in a field just a couple of miles south of Westerham. Not best pleased I can tell you. From there I jogged to Portsmouth whereon I had my old chum Jonny Fuckwit, the harbourmaster there, acquire a speed boat on my behalf. Giving it full throttle I whizzed along like billy-o and was through the Straits of Gibraltar in what seemed no time at all. I ditched the vessel in Alexandria having crossed the Med and thereafter ran the gauntlet of the wretched Turk crossing the Middle East upon a camel I obtained from an Arab through a little bartering – sods law had it that the A-Rab took a liking to my Air Commodore’s uniform meaning me having to trade it for said camel. This meant I had to face the deserts of Arabia wearing only a vest and underpants. After successfully reaching the Indian Ocean it was a swift swim to Ceylon paying heed to avoid the sharks en route. After a hot brew of sublime English Breakfast Tea and a chapatti or two – a charitable gift from a kindly missionary priest who seemed most keen to get something hot inside me – I felt sufficiently refreshed to head for The Bay of Bengal, a longish swim yet my mantra was ever onwards and upwards; stiff upper lip and all that. Sadly I had lost my underpants on the swim and had a rather embarrassing situation in a Malay fishing village as I trod ashore. Had no idea what the fish gutting fillies of the village were laughing and pointing at until I checked the old family jewels. The plus was they remained intact; the minus being they were there for the world to see. Thankfully one of the older womenfolk took pity on me and traded me a dress in the form of a baju kurung thingy for the Savlon tube I had, until then kept secreted about my person. It seems she had long since suffered from an uncontrollable itching – as to where I could not rightly say save for the fact she pointed the old rigid digit due south by way of explanation! Whatever, this was plainly not an ideal situation for an Englishman to find himself in yet I was at odds to make it clear that I was never, and never would be one of those cross-dressing fellows the like of which one finds in the lanes of Brighton if one looks hard enough. Shame they never understood a word of English really.
It was thus that I made my way through the jungles of the Malay Peninsular into Singapore dressed in the manner of a transgender type and I was only just in the nick of time. Heading straight for the garrison there where I suspected Penny would be hold up I learned that the scoundrels of the Empire of Japan were due to invade the very next day.
From a balcony within the officer’s residence at the garrison I heard Penny call out to me.
“Coey, coey……..is that you Twatters……..it is you……..crikey I had no idea you were a cross dresser Twatters……I mean I remember you as a red blooded beast of a lover……….did losing me to Humpers really have such an effect on you……..I’m so very sorry………..anyway get up here post haste, the doors ajar.”
As I climbed the stairs it struck me that Penny had barely changed and was as lovely and desirable as ever. I thought I might be in luck……..possibly on for a quick one if I played my cards right. Upon entering her apartment I immediately noticed she had, as she put it, ‘Changed into something more comfortable,” adding that she supposed it would be a waste of time now that I had obviously changed my sexual orientation and that she was as desperate as desperate can be for a shag. Furthermore she made clear that in her considered opinion I had most likely had a sex change as well.
“Well then Twatters this I believe is your lucky day.” I certainly hoped it would be! “Whilst you were journeying here Twatters I managed to construct an actual Sex Change Ray Gun using Humpers original plan and am keen to see if it works as predicted. Given your plight you are the perfect guinea pig……..I mean if I turn you back into a man……….we can bonk to Kingdom come until the Japs arrive then hopefully construct another to tackle the little Jap bastards with thereby ending the war in the Far East. Right then Twatters cop these sex changing rays old chap. Shame Humpers couldn’t have design a ray gun you could use more than just the once really……never mind………anyhow cop a bundle of sex changing rays……..like so……”
Of course I protested yet it was too late the rays had fried my prized assets and I was all of a quiver. Moments later I felt my follicles retract, breasts grew (rather nice ones if the truth be told) and down below………I really do not wish to go there.
“What have you done Penny……look at me……..I’m knobless and have massive great knockers…..how could you……..good god woman what have you done.”
I then explained to her as to exactly why I was attired thus and asked if she could construct another ray gun forthwith and change me back.
“Can’t do that Twatters……the whole thing about Humpers invention was that it is a one way ticket…..you’ll just have to get used to being a girl……..and by the way I’m not against a bit of a Sapphic liaison if you get my drift.”
“But what about the club……women aren’t allowed in……oh what, oh what shall I do?……..and then there’s the parking of the old jalopy……I mean everyone knows women can’t park.” I was in a state of some distress having turned into a woman yet as I was pondering this point Penny said, “Did you bring the Savlon?”
I told her I had to trade it for a dress as I had lost my underpants in the Indian Ocean.
“Well you’re no fucking use then you may as well piss orf back to Blighty with the plans…….whoops, silly me I’ve just realised I’d tucked them down the front of your dress and now they’re frazzled…..what a to-do.”
I left Singapore a broken woman.