“KISS ME ‘HARDY'” – A comic take on Lord Nelson’s untimely demise!



The scene is set.  It is the 21st. October 1805.  We are aboard the British Flagship HMS Victory during the Battle of Trafalgar.  Naval Commander, Admiral Lord Horatio Nelson lies dying having been fatally wounded by a stray French bullet.  As his breathing becomes shallow and his time is close, gathered about him are his colleagues, for they would never let this icon for all that is British die a lonely death.

Beatty the ships surgeon makes to stand aside, his voice discernibly choking up just a little as he mutters to those around him, “There is nothing more I can do for him.”

Revd. Scott , ‘Scotty’ to his buddies, lends an ear to Nelson’s whispers. 

“What’s that he just said?” says Thomas, a captain and close friend of Horatio’s. 

Revd. Scott replies, “I think he said, ‘Kiss me hardy,’ although Lord knows what that might mean.”

“Ask him again, it could be important,” says Midshipman Collingwood presumptuously. 

“Don’t get above your station Collingwood.  The Admiral is too weak to repeat the sentence just now.  I’m pretty sure he said ‘Kiss me hardy’ though!” Revd. Scott snaps back at the boy.

Purser Walter Burke turns to the surgeon.  “Beatty good fellow is there a part of the body called a ‘hardy’?  Maybe that’s what he wants kissed.”

“Don’t be a bleddy burke, Burke we have no such part about us.”

“I was only asking; just thinking if we kissed this ‘hardy’ thing it might make him feel a bit better.”

“Don’t you think it’s a little worrying that it’s got the word ‘hard’ in it? Because if that’s what he wants kissed then I’m not bloody well doing it,” so says Guitano, the Admirals valet.

“Good God man, this is the navy, things like that go on all the time.  If that’s what he really said you’ll do it and say no more about it,” Thomas interjects. 

A short lived quiet descends upon the scene.  It is Thomas who speaks first.  “Maybe he was thinking about Fanny?”

Taken somewhat aback at this remark Revd. Scott says, “Do what! I’ll not have that kind of language – especially so at this time.”

“No, Revd. I meant his wife Fanny Nelson, formerly Fanny Nisbet.”

“Oh, I see,” replies Revd. Scott almost embarrassed.

Burke pipes up again, “Well we’re still no closer to knowing what this ‘hardy’ thing is.  I doubt he was thinking about Fanny anyway ugly old boot that she is; we all know its Emma Hamilton he’s taken a shine to.   Now she’s a bit of a looker; she could make any man har……”

“For crying out loud Burke, shut the f**k up,” says Revd. Scott unintentionally swearing for the very first time in his career, “The Admiral still has ears you know!”

“Not much else in the way of limbs though,” Guitano thinks aloud when he should have been thinking to himself.

“Look all of you I think we’ll just have to put this ‘hardy’ thing on ice.  His time is nigh. Even from here I can see his lips part; he is, I detect, trying to say something,” Thomas says.

“What is it Horatio old fellow; what is it?” the reverend, leaning over the Admiral, lughole at the ready says.  “Yes, I did hear you, I’ll make it known.”

“What was it; what did he tell you,” the assembled company ask in unison.

Nelson has no more air inside him; he is gone; done for.  Nothing stirs below decks (well in Nelson’s case it doesn’t) – although atop the shit has hit the fan as the battle rages on.

“Well, his last words were, ‘God and my country’ of that I am sure,” Scott replies.

The silence is broken as Purser Walter Burke says, “God and my ‘what’ tree?”

Burke takes the thrashing of a lifetime!


*Editorial Note: For any who are not familiar with the death of Lord Nelson we can confirm that all the characters mentioned herein were at the scene of his demise.  Perhaps importantly Captain Thomas’s full name was Thomas Hardy!  He worked under Nelson (so to speak). Also, ‘Kiss me Hardy’ was his penultimate sentence; ‘God and my country,’ his final words!



12 thoughts on ““KISS ME ‘HARDY'” – A comic take on Lord Nelson’s untimely demise!

  1. Clivey expects that every blogger will laugh his Niagras off. Did you know his uncle was a certain Captain Suckling or that his wife was called Fanny btw.? It seems that smutty innuendo dogged his every footstep, the nautical little bleeder 🙂

  2. Utterly delightful, Mike. I love “unintentionally swearing for the first time in his career” and “Guitano thinks aloud when he should have been thinking to himself.” I will always think of it all happening just that way! 😀

    1. Thank you for not finding it disgusting. It all went a bit ‘Carry On ….film series’ double entendre in the end! Did America ever get the ‘Carry On’ stuff? So bad it was good if you know what I mean!

      1. Well, Carry On Up The Khyber is a full version of this classic at;

        Also, there are loads of clips re Carry On Screaming which has some great one-liners (although not always quite as brilliant as Woody Allen!). They made loads, as a kid I loved them all. Toward the end though they did get smutty and lost their way. Good British rubbish of its time and genre! Keep Well.

      2. Golf! Oh God – or in my case Oh Ether – may I apologise without reservation for my earlier remark regarding golfers looking like their mum’s had dressed them! They do though don’t they? Good health, wealth and luck Mr. Vernon!

      3. Yes they do. Especially Mr. Vernon who is a avid golfer and an engineer. Which means he dresses like his mother dressed him . . . back in 1979. (Shhh . . . don’t say anything to him though. What he doesn’t know won’t hurt him, right? :D)

  3. I didn’t know the carry on bit was from a film series but it works well either way. I love the double entendre! It works really well and it’s hilarious especially when you study the picture and it really does look like everyone is trying so hard to figure out what he’s saying!

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