Somewhere in the Middle East; Quite a long time ago BC: God has the raving hump that his Adam & Eve experiment hasn’t worked out as planned. In short it’s all gone horribly wrong as just about everyone is evil nowadays. God, being omnipotent searches through His hard drive to see if He can find just one good fellow to implement the cunning plan He has come up with. He discovers that a bloke called Noah and his family are right good sorts. We join the story as Noah is sitting on a bar stool keeping his own company in The Oxen & Pomegranate Ale House, somewhere in the Middle East enjoying a beverage or two.
God: “Noah, don’t jump up and look shocked or anything. This is God talking to you inside your head. I need an urgent word with you.”
Noah, his pint at his lips and primed for a gulp stops in his tracks. He puts his glass down ever so carefully thinking to himself that he really must be pissed earlier than he’d planned to be.
God: “Look Noah, what I want you and the missus, Emzara, your boys Shem, Ham & Japeth, plus their birds of course, to do a little something for me. If you are up for it scratch your left ear with your right forefinger so as not to draw attention to yourself – this task I want you to undertake must be kept top secret.”
Noah obeys the word of the Lord.
God: “Right, I’ll give it to you straight mate. I am sick and tired of the human race I created. Freeloading bastards the lot of them. What I’m going to do is cause there to be great floods that will drown the lot save for you and yours my friend. What you are going to do is build a massive great ship and pack your family plus two each (male and female of course) of every creature there is in it. You will then sail around aimlessly for 40 forty days – I reckon 40 days should be long enough – until the flood waters die down. After that you can all breed to your hearts content and re-populate the Earth with good folk like yourself plus a load of freshly squeezed animals. Do that thing again if you agree (please bear in mind that I might just smite you if you don’t by the way).
Noah obeys the word of the Lord in said manner prescribed.
God: “Well that’s settled then! Nice one. Oh, and remember you’ll need provisions for 40 days – can’t have you all starving can we. Fill your boots son.”
Noah rushes to the gents with only one thought in his mind. He needs a quick spoken word with God and plainly doesn’t want anyone in the bar to pick up on him talking out loud to himself as they might think him a nutter.
Noah: “Look God, I’m cool with all this but you didn’t make mention of my daughter Noahella. She’s a lovely girl and a bit of a celebrity cook in these parts. I couldn’t bear it if you had her drowned or anything. Is it ok if she comes along?
God: “Oh that was very remiss of me. Whatever, I’m fine with that.”
Noah: “Cheers mate.”
We now re-join the story after the great floods and with the ship Noah built 3 weeks out at sea and loaded with his family and with a male and female of all animal species save for fish who are doing very nicely thank you presently.
Ham: “Those bloody orangutans escaped again last night. The thieving bastards have nicked all our bananas.”
Shem: “Worse still, the lions got out and raided the freezer of all the bloody meat we had stock piled. What we going to do Dad? We’ll bloody starve to death the way things are going.”
Japeth: “I’ve lost my IPad! I need to check out where we are on Google Earth.”
Noah: “Shut it Japeth I couldn’t give a toss about your IPad. Now we need a bit of a contingency plan here lads; sort of a plan B if you know what I mean.”
Noahella: “Since I’ve been doing all the cooking anyway may I make a suggestion?”
Noah: “Spit it out girl.”
Noahella: “Well given the sheer magnitude of God’s request of us I don’t think He’ll mind too much if – how shall I put it – we dipped into the livestock we have on board. That way I can rustle up some tasty delicacies to keep us all tickety-boo.”
Noah: “Nice one – but leave the sheep, goats, cattle and poultry alone as I’ve got a feeling that they may be the staple diet of human kind one of these days.”
Noahella: “Of course father. Now chaps hurry along I need you to slaughter a few beasts for me.”
Noah: “And you Japeth you lazy sod. Do what your sister tells you.”
Later that same day as the sun is going down; the sea a perfect azure millpond, Noah and his extended family are sat around a large trestle table on deck awaiting their evening meal. Enter Noahella and her brother Japeth (who is the reluctant waiter and still concerned over the loss of his IPad).
Noah: “Well then young lady what culinary delights have you created with your usual flair and passion for experimental dishes?”
Noahella: “Well I really do have some special treats for you all. For starters I thought I’d run with smoked dragon tongue. Thereafter I have made the most nutritional unicorn sausages and mash to be followed up with ear lobes of Neanderthal. How do you all feel about that?”
Noah: “Bloody handsome fare my girl – bloody handsome.”
Emzara: “Shame we had to slaughter the Neanderthal’s I quite liked them. I used to have such a lovely chat with Mrs Neanderthal. Such a nice girl. I know they looked a bit off putting walking about all naked and hairy yet I liked them well enough. Mind you her old man wouldn’t give you so much as a grunt when the mood took him.”
Noah: “What are you going on about? They were a right pain in the arse. Disgusting what they used to get up to after hours. I hope you froze what you didn’t use Noahella. Don’t want any waste do we girl.”
Japeth: “Any one seen my IPad I still can’t find it?”
Noah: “For crying out loud, mention that again and I’ll have you slaughtered for the Sunday roast.”
Emzara: “I think I saw the goat eat it – your IPad that is. You should learn to take care of your stuff you know Japeth, your 37 now after all!”
Silence ensues as the family tuck in.
Noah: “That young lady was a joy to eat. Those unicorn bangers were something else weren’t they? I really don’t know how you do it. Good on you girl. A meal fit for a king no less.”
Japeth: “So I see your lovely dumplings weren’t on show tonight Noahella! I was really looking forward to getting my teeth into them.”
Noah: “Don’t you say such things to your sister you sick, sick child.”
And there we have it. As Noah licks his lips to savour up the last vestige of the flavour of unicorn sausage we now know why the Dragons, the Unicorns and the Neanderthal’s became extinct!