I have been contemplating the vagaries of Facebook.  As with WordPress, I’ve only been using it a few weeks yet even in that short time ‘strange’ things have happened.  For example, right now, if say, I had a fetish for 95 year old so called glamorous grannies from the Highlands of Scotland then I certainly would have found my Utopia!  For a small fee I would be able to have my wicked way with any number of them.  How so?


Well, I am guessing that when I set up my profile with Facebook it plainly didn’t help my present plight to reveal my date of birth as the 1st. January 1905 (making me 108 presently); nor adding that I emanate from Dull (a town in Kinross) and that I presently live in Twatt (a place on the Shetlands).  I don’t think the additional information that I studied at The University of Cabbage is relevant to what is happening though.

Anyway, since posting that profile and on the right hand side of my screen loads of ‘adverts’ for really aged Scottish grannies hawking their wares (so to speak) are constantly scrolling down!  Given that I am 108 I’m not getting requests to ‘date’ your average granny.  No, the ones popping up on my screen look to me to be on the cusp of flat-lining; have cleavages down to their toes (that is the ones who can still stand up) or have had, I suspect, one too many facelifts as no one has two perfectly parallel ‘beauty spots’ on their cheekbones that I’ve ever seen before.  Generally though I am talking Zimmer frame central here!

Also, it is not just on Facebook that this is happening.  Now every time I go onto Google to say, check emails or follow the progress of my beloved Arsenal the same bloody ‘ads’ appear.  Presumably my profile has got into the ether somehow prompting this barrage of grannies (have I just invented new collective noun?).  If that is the case surely it is not beyond the wit of marketing sorts to come up with a more imaginative assortment of marketing material for this centurion?  I’m thinking maybe extra strength Viagra perhaps, or maybe cheap flights to Switzerland’s finest clinic or, indeed a variety of organ transplants?

Right now I’m thinking of dropping my age by 80 or so years to see what happens in the right hand side of my screen.  I suppose the locations might have to change as well because being a 28 year old active adult male in the Highlands may well give rise to a galaxy of dating agencies whose business is focused on ‘sheep’ trying to catch my eye.  Strange!

Regardless, and changing the subject, I am off to Canterbury this afternoon I think.  I was discussing this proposed visit with Shirley who, with the weather being passable, suggested I take the camera.  With that thought in mind she reminded me of a previous visit to that most lovely of cities.  Then, I was walking the old High Street and noticed three Japanese girls, all inevitably armed with cameras, along with another girl who was not, I suspect from the Orient, yet who was plainly their friend.  I say this as this girl was dressed in the full burka – head to toe, just little slits in the cloth about her eyes to see through.  As I approached I saw that one of the three Japanese girls had passed her camera to burka girl who was now in the process of taking shots of her chums posing on the bridge over the river there.  Duty done, the young lady in the burka took up position where her friends had been and beckoned to the others to take a photo of her which they duly did.  The thing is, watching the event unfold before me the thought struck me, ‘Why?’  ‘What’s the point?’ Dressed as she was it’s not as if anyone will ever be saying, “You look nice in that picture.”  In truth you couldn’t say 100% that she was even a female.  Worse still, in years to come, when reviewing her albums (online or otherwise) I’ll take a bet that most people would say, “Who’s that?” rather than, “That’s you isn’t it?”

PS – As I write this I have noticed on Facebook that a new ‘ad’ has scrolled down that is not, thankfully about having sex with grannies, no this one is offering me car insurance especially for people who live on the Shetland Islands – don’t they know it’s not safe to drive when you’re 108?  Am I going mad or are the people at Facebook telepathic?



  1. I get Mature Dating ads that reliably inform me that there are 200 attractive, full-breasted (judging by the photo supplied) women absolutely falling over each other to get their mitts on my meekly protesting nob.
    To be honest I don’t blame them one bit. I’d be just the same in their stilettos mate.
    Lovely piece by the way (The prose not the Mature Dating bint)

    1. You have to be kidding! Mind you even as a libertarian I have to draw the line somewhere. With your writing skills I believe you have a ‘no names, no pack drill’ story here!

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