Hell; Post the Beginning of Time: We find a most disgruntled Satan rummaging about Hell looking for his bicycle clips. Ever since the idea struck him last evening he’d been looking forward to going ‘off road’ on his new mountain bike, a present from Enepsigos (the fallen angel who appears in the shape of woman). Satan being a tad on the bisexual side has always had a soft spot for Enepsigos – needs must when the devil drives and all that! Anyway, what happened was that Satan had, upon positively ripping off the Halford’s wrappings that had encased his new pushbike, duly assigned the task of purchasing the bicycle clips to Purah (the fallen angel of forgetfulness). In short Purah, whilst pretty sure he purchased said ‘clips’ can’t for the hell of him remember where he put the bloody things!
Satan: “Well this is brilliant. All I ask you to do Purah is pop down to Sports Direct; pick me up my bicycle clips and make it back home in one piece. It’s not bloody rocket science is it? You know me, always safety first and I have no intention of catching my trousers on the chain and taking a tumble I can tell you. For that matter where’s my change? I gave you a tenner and they couldn’t have cost more than 4 or 5 quid.”
Purah: “Sorry Satan I can’t remember anything. It’s all a bit of a blur really.”
Satan: “What’s a blur – the bicycle clips, my change or both?”
Purah: “The whole thing really I don’t think I can cope anymore.”
Satan: “You can’t cope? How the hell do you think I feel? I’ve got this beautiful piece of engineering and what can I do with it – bloody nothing that’s what. You’re as about as much use as Obyzouth (fallen angel female who kills new-borns and cause still-births) in a maternity ward. Call yourself a fallen angel, twat.”
Exit a bewildered Purah mumbling something about not being sure if he’s meant to be doing something ‘good’ or ‘bad’ today and enter Gusion (fallen angel who can discern the past, present or future) clutching in his grasp yet another winning Lotto scratch card.
Gusion: “We’ll be on the razzle tonight Satan me old mucker – that’s another £50k in the old ‘sky rocket.’ How are you Satan, you’re looking a bit peeved if you don’t mind me saying so?”
Satan: “You could say that. That bloody idiot Purah’s forgotten where he put my bicycle clips. You’re a clever bloke Gusion – got any bright ideas?”
Gusion: “Well one thing’s for sure there not in Hell – beyond that I haven’t got a blind clue.”
Satan: “Bollocks. I really wanted to go out and about; you know I’ve got the devil’s work to do.”
Gusion: “Tell you what why don’t I text Naamah (fallen angel of prostitution). I can send out for a few bevvies and we could have a right fun time with her – she’s always up for it, if you get my drift!”
Satan: “Maybe after me bike ride yes that sounds a plan to me. Cor do you remember last time she stopped by with that…what’s her name…oh yes, Onoskelis (female fallen angel who lives in caves and perverts men). That was a night to remember – it was worth having to take penicillin for the next three months I can tell you.”
Gusion: “Well I’ll be off now. Think I’ll stop by the newsagents and pick up another Lotto scratch card, me lucks in today. Then again it always is!”
Gusion takes of his leave. Enter Amduscias (name of the fallen angel who appears as a unicorn).
Satan: “What the hell are you doing here? Took a bloody whole day to clear up the dung after your last visitation. Hope your bowel’s are in better nick (so to speak) this time.”
Amduscias: “Sorry about that – too much meadow grass that was, it always gives me bad guts. Anyway rumour has it you’ve lost your bicycle clips. I just thought you might want to saddle me up and we can pop off for a bit of a ride. You know it’ll be the same as ‘off road’ without you having to over exercise peddling and all that. How about it?”
Satan: “No way mate, me minds made up it’s the mountain bike or nothing. I’ve come over all OCD about it now. On yer bike now I’m not taking any chances of you having one of your little accidents.”
Exit Amduscias; enter Focalor (fallen angel who appears as a man with griffin wings).
Focalur: “I’ve heard about the crisis. Any luck with the clips yet?”
Satan: “Not a whisper mate – and don’t keep flapping those bloody wings you’ll further inflame the fires of Hell if you keep carrying on like that. It’s just the right temperature in here at the moment and I don’t want to boil alive.”
Focular: “Well I was just thinking if you didn’t wear your trousers it would be perfectly safe for you to go out and about on your bike?”
Satan: “It might be safe but I’d look a twat. I’ve got an image to keep up don’t you know! Besides all me underpants are in the wash.”
Focular: “What, you’ve gone commando today then?”
Satan: “To true mate. Thinking about it though maybe that’s not such a bad idea, I could wear shorts I suppose. Bollocks they’re in the wash as well – I was playing tennis with Botis (fallen angel who appears as a viper) and got a bit sweaty in them. Mind you the game was a waste of time what with him not being able to hold a racket!”
Focular: “Who does your washing then?”
Satan: “Purah does. Give him a shout will you.”
After an extended wait Purah, still in a confused state enters.
Purah: “You called?”
Satan: “Need me underpants and me shorts. I trust you know where you put them after the wash cycle had finished?”
Purah: “Sorry Satan, it might come to me in a minute yet…oh….maybe…no, it’s gone. Sorry I just don’t know, sorry again.”
Satan: “Bollocks. Right someone get me Ornias (fallen angel who can shape-shift).”
Satan: “Can you shape shift into a pair of bicycles clips?”
Ornias: “No problems mate.”