Benidorm, Summer 2013: Count Dracula finds himself tiring somewhat of his humdrum lifestyle in Transylvania. Most of the local girls there are wary of him these days and therefore there is not that much fresh blood about to quench his insatiable thirst. He mulls over the point that he has never, not even the once, taken a proper break. In the light of this and with the help of a travel brochure he ‘acquired’ at a mortuary waiting room he books himself an all-inclusive package holiday in the Spanish resort of Benidorm. He feels the night-time activities there could be right up his street – and from the pictures in the ‘mag’ there is, he feels, sufficient totty about for a jolly good blood fest. Sadly for Egor his trusted valet, the Count takes the view that aged as he is, the old boy may well prove an impediment to his nocturnal excursions and therefore he is not allowed to travel with his Lord and Master. However being a night owl and new to this holidaying malarkey Dracula is of the opinion that he needs a companion. In the light of this he has pre-booked the services of Juan Cornetto, a swarthy, handsome young local lad to accompany him on his jaunts about the place. Luckily Juan proves most capable at handling the rather sleek coach and four stallions that has been hired from Hertz for the vacation. The added bonus is that with Benidorm being a fabled stag and hen night venue his mode of transportation does not look out of place – indeed it is, he feels, a bit of a babe magnet!
We join Count Dracula and Juan in a nightspot fabled for its mud wrestling and foam parties where the Count makes a mental note to himself that the young ladies, scantily clad as they are battling it out in the mud pit, are ripe for his specific purposes.
Dracula: “Bartender I’ll have another Bloody Mary if I may and an Orangina for my companion as he’s driving – a little hay for the horses tied up outside wouldn’t go amiss either. Also, are the black olives in the bowl before me free? You see I’ve always held the view that a vampire cannot live on blood alone.”
Bartender: “Do what mate, I can do the drinks but does it look like we sell hay – you’re having a laugh. Oh yes, help yourself to the olives.”
Dracula: “Well I’ll take a handful then old chap. Nothing – well that’s ridiculous really – almost nothing I like better than a pitted black olive or two.”
Bartender: “Christ mate how many are you going to put in your gob – they’re not pitted you know. Christ, too late…….”
Dracula: “Unholy Mother of van Helsing what is this! I’ve just bitten into a myriad of olive stones and my fangs plus one or two (at least) other gnashers have snapped off. Bollocks. I urgently need a dentist. Get me one Juan.”
Juan: “Why you say my name twice and anyway who is the ‘Me’ I’m meant to be looking for?”
Dracula: “What???? Look Juan I need a dentist right now I hunger for the blood of those two voluptuous topless virgins looking so drinkable over there yet the state of my mouth, such as it is, denies me access to their respective jugulars – I need one now Juan.”
Juan: “I not know this Juan Now. I don’t think we have a dentist by that name in Benidorm. You’ll have to wait until daybreak when all the local surgeries open.”
Bartender: “Did you say virgins – blimey you are new around here!”
Dracula: “Daybreak! Look I don’t do daybreak. No I must have a dentist here and now. You’ll have to knock one up for me Juan.”
Juan: “Look Mr Dracula Sir I not inclined to have sex with Juan Up, I’m not that kind of boy – my good friend Carlos, he maybe would do that if you think it would help your toothache although I cannot see how.”
Dracula: “Fuck me it’s like talking to a brick wall. Look, let’s make it simple. Right, Juan get me the dentist.”
Juan: “I Juan Cornetto not Juan Getme.”
Dracula: “This is doing my head in.”
Good fortune smiles though. Upon noticing the flurry of activity concerning Dracula’s dental misfortune the two bare breasted mud laden girls come over to offer a hand (so to speak). They announce themselves as Tampa and Ongar (both named, in the modern fashion, after the places they were conceived). Both work as vetinarary nurses at a practise in Harlow, Essex. Additionally they have, they say, some experience in canine dental care.
Tampa: “Oh you poor soul. Open wide let’s take a look in that mouth of yours. What do you think Ong?”
Ongar: “Well Tamps we can’t do much about the front teeth all snapped off as they are….but the fangs I’m guessing we could file down to sharp points so Mr…..what’s your name? Oh so you’re a Count then…Count Dracula you say…..Here Tamps I bet he’s worth a quid or two……Anyway, at least you’d be able to feed.”
Tampa: “Come to the ladies room with us – it’s brighter there and one of the girls is bound to have a nail file.”
With that Count Dracula and the two well blessed Essex girls head off to the Ladies. As they enter some of the girls fixing their lipstick and such like scream at the presence of a man clad in a bat winged cloak entering.
Ongar: “Don’t worry girls, he’s with us. We’ve not brought him to shag in the cubicle or anything. He’s had a bit of an accident with his pearly whites. Any of you got a spare nail file? Oh cheers Bognor – oh you just threw up again did you. I wondered where you’d got to earlier – never mind I’ll give it you back in a minute.”
Ongar and Tampa set about and successfully restore to a worthwhile extent Dracula’s fangs. Upon reflection though the girl’s realise too late that with the temporary repair job done the Count makes straight for their (plus all of the other girls who he had put into a trance) throats and sucks them dry of blood. He exits the loo a happy vampire and returns to the bar area licking his lips clean.
Dracula: “By Bram Stoker that was good. How odd that my night should turn out thus. One can never tell.”
Juan: “Who this Juan Cannevertell? I not know him at all.”
Dracula: “Shut it Juan.”