MAURICE COLLARUP INVESTIGATIONS
BACKLIT HOUSE
SHADOW LANE
SOHO
Editor in Chief
The Sunday News & Twaddle
Fleet Street
London
21st. December 2013
STRICTLY PRIVATE & CONFIDENTIAL
BY HAND ONLY
Dear Mr McNasty,
Thank you for your instructions in this matter.
As requested our operative duly attended the upstairs function room of the ‘Herring Gull & Nosebleed’ public house in Chiswick last Wednesday evening (18th. December 2013) where Nigel Farage was hosting the Christmas shindigs for his nearest and dearest plus the hierarchy of the political party he leads.
Plainly our attendance at this gathering was covert and we can confirm that we are certain none of the assembled company had any idea that the portly man wearing the Nazi fancy dress costume was not, ‘one of their own.’ We are experienced in such matters of discretion as you are no doubt well aware.
Whilst a full transcript and audio recording of the after dinner speech made by your target (Farage) will be delivered to your offices via secure courier later today we thought a few snippets, highlights if you like, of the most controversial aspect of what he said would whet your appetite. Subjective as it is our man was of the view your target (Farage) was likely the worse for drink. You will, we feel sure, come to the same conclusion when you are able to listen carefully to said audio.
“………..And to conclude my friends you will by now be familiar with most of what our manifesto for next year’s European elections both contains and embodies. Out of the wretched Union, ‘out, out, out’ we say. Foreigners barred entry; asylum seekers whatever their circumstances repatriated (by force if necessary) and all that gubbins. Yet my friends there is another concern that has gone unnoticed by our political rivals! What is that I hear you say? Well I’ll tell you. You see it’s not just the bloody Rumanians, Bulgarians and other swarthy Slavs we don’t want running around on the loose in this Sceptred Isle of ours nicking our jobs is it? What about the migratory bird population coming over here from all places north, east and south of Calais just to breed – the dirty bastards? Look, let’s make this clear. We only have so many trees in which birds can nest. Those trees should be for our birds, our precious resident species, like the sparrows, now sadly in decline because of all the bloody European birds having a whale of a time at the expense of our own. It’s all bloody Europe’s fault that’s what it is, as I’m sure you will agree. You know I see red each autumn as a gathering of swallows forms making haste to piss off home once they’ve abused all that a British summer has offered them. We are not a bloody European bird charity are we? Ask yourself that? Just like the human element the birds of Europe breed like rabbits at the very real cost to our own – and we won’t stand for it will we? And you know every year it will be the same if we don’t do something about it. Good. What I propose then is an addendum to the proposed manifesto calling for the forced repatriation of all foreign bird species – save perhaps for swans that are white and snow geese obviously. We already have the tacit agreement of The Women’s Institute that, once we get in and this proposal becomes law, they, those wonderful loyal British girls will be scurrying about the countryside armed with nets to catch the little bastards in and to later box them up for shipping off the God knows where. Should we find that does not work then we keep in reserve the option of a universal cull of European birdlife. The Territorials will, I know, offer full support in this regard. So there we have it, one more great realistic idea from the UKIP! A very Merry Christmas and goodnight to you all.”
We trust you find this report illuminating.
Enclosed is a note of our charges in this matter. Early settlement would be greatly appreciated.
Yours sincerely,
Maurice Collarup
