MAURICE COLLARUP INVESTIGATIONS
23rd. December, Middle Ages
STRICTLY PRIVATE & CONFIDENTIAL
Dear King Arthur,
Thank you for your instructions in this matter.
Our objective here has been to establish whether or not there is any validity to a concern that has troubled you lately, namely that Queen Guinevere might be conducting a clandestine love affair, and if so, with whom. You advise that your suspicions are based upon the fact that your Queen, usually a creature of habit now regularly disappears from Camelot at unusual times and offers, in your considered opinion, inadequate reasons for doing so.
In the light of this we have conducted very discreet enquiries and we now report our findings.
The initial approach we adopted in this case was, with your permission, to tap the Queens mobile in order to establish who, if anyone, she may be having a liaison with and, if that proved to be the case, who exactly her new found ‘beau’ is.
We can report that on Thursday last (19th. December) at 9pm a call was made to her phone from a ‘pay as you go’ device. The caller was an adult male. The dialogue, albeit brief, was thus;
Male: “Bunnykins my love, I’ll keep it brief. Meet me at midnight where the Lady of the Lake dreams of Avalon my sweet.”
Queen Guinevere: “Will do hunk.”
That is the full extent of the conversation. However our field operative was, from the single clue offered able to determine the ‘venue.’ Donning his dragon costume purchased earlier in the day at the Port Isaac branch of Poundland as a disguise (given that there are many roaming about the forest he thought he would fit in nicely) he laid in wait for your wife and whomsoever to arrive. However, unbeknownst to our man the adult male – we presume – was armed with a sword. Taken from behind the operative was slain no less! We only know this because when he failed to report in we did, at first light, despatch a small search party who found him dead, lying prone, and still in his dragon outfit, lakeside. All was not lost though for during a forensic examination of the surrounding area we found two pewter drinking vessels; an empty bottle of Camelot’s finest mead and a used condom. In short we had sufficient DNA samples to run an analysis and can report that we established a positive match to the Queen and one Sir Lancelot who we understand is known to you as a loyal and highly trusted friend. Additionally we should point out that the used condom DNA samples matched with both the Queen and Lancelot.
Moving on, the following day (Friday, 20th. December) we eavesdropped another mobile call through which we learned a further tryst would take place just before nightfall at 3.30pm that day. A new operative attended the scene this time taking the precaution to dress not as a dragon but as a tree – in a rather authentic fancy dress outfit again purchased at Poundland. He laid in wait until the couple arrived and managed to catch them on camera. A portfolio of photographs will be delivered to you later in the day yet herewith is one picture revealing the pair locked in an embrace. We would suggest you brace yourself for shock when the others arrive as some are on the raunchy side. Let us say that the dragon tattoo you advised your spouse sports on her left buttock is clearly visible on these shots!
So then you now have irrefutable evidence of Queen Guinevere’s unfaithfulness and the name of her philandering lover.
Plainly this will inevitably be a painful time for you especially so in this Age of Chivalry. We take no pleasure at all in reporting that your initial concerns were well founded in fact.
We trust we have been of service and enclose a note of our charges.
For further Maurice Collarup Investigations see;