St Petersburg; Winter, 1908: An incorrigible womaniser; lover of the Tsarina of all Russia ‘Alexandra;’ a hypnotist; a ‘mad monk’ who had huge influence over the Romanov’s, Tsar Nicholas II in particular; immune to all known poisons; a curer of haemophiliacs; blessed with amazing physical and mental strength; famed for his amazingly large penis; great grandfather of the current President of Russia, Vladimir Putin* yes Rasputin was all these things and more. A man proud of his prowess save for one small thing. You see Rasputin was incapable of getting drunk. No matter how much vodka he sank (and boy did he drink some) it had no effect whatsoever! Rasputin got so very depressed each and every time he was out in some local tavern with his pals and they got tanked up; had a whale of a time whilst he just stayed glum sat in a corner thinking of how things might have been. Today, with the Tsar, Nicholas off on state business Rasputin takes it upon himself to visit the private quarters of Tsarina Alexandra in The Winter Palace.
Rasputin: “How the devil are you Lexy girl?”
Alexandra: “Bloody freezing if the truth be told and while I think of it I’ll have none of your sneaky hypnosis malarkey today thank you very much. It’s too damned cold to come out of a trance alone and without me kit on like last time – remember you old rascal you?”
Rasputin: “Yeah, sorry about that luv; I was in a bit of a rush to get to the pub that evening. The boys said they had distilled an amazing vodka that was bound – 100% certainty – to get me pissed.”
Alexandra: “Did it?”
Rasputin: “What do you think? No bloody way. I knocked back four bottles straight off the bat. Nothing – not even a minor totter. It’s getting me down I can tell you. Am I ever to know what a ‘good time’ is?”
Alexandra: “Well thank you very much indeed – I suppose I’m not a ‘good time’ then?”
Rasputin: “Lexy girl don’t take it like that. I mean you’re a lovely girl and all that but put yourself in my shoes. Just imagine never being able to get pissed right up. I trade in my much fabled and legendary knob for a smaller one just to be able to enjoy of good drink you know.”
Alexandra: “Don’t say things like Rasputin. Your knob is your most endearing feature come to think about it. Anyway the Tsar has just got hold of a shed load of Russo-Baltique Vodka that weighs in at 54 million rubles a bottle. Do you want to have a go at that? It is by far and away the most expensive vodka on the planet so it must have something about it – and you certainly won’t see it in the likes of Waitrose!”
Rasputin: “I suppose I could venture toward a bottle or so; you know, see how it goes.”
Alexander rings for a servant who duly retrieves from the palace cellars a dozen bottles of the most sought after vodka ever made. Drinks are served. Alexandra sips genteelly at hers while Rasputin is already – drinking from the bottle devoid of decorum – on his third bottle.
Alexandra: “Did it hit the spot?”
Rasputin: “Gnat’s piss Lexy girl. It’s like drinking maiden’s water.”
Alexandra: “Really, I’m so surprised. I mean I’m feeling a tad tipsy after just a couple of sips.”
Rasputin: “It’s a bloody curse luv – that’s what it is a bloody curse I tell you.”
Alexandra: “Look I’ve got just one more idea. Nicholas arrived back from the UK the other week with a few plastic fuselages of a British delicacy called ‘White Lightening Cider.’ Nick said he saw the chav type peasants rampant ‘in drink’ whilst over there so he popped into a Spar shop and got some to try out back in the secure confines of the Winter Palace. It might not work for you but it’s got to be worth a try don’t you think?
Rasputin: “Like I said, I’m up for anything.”
Alexandra: “Yes I know that all too well yet I take it that White Lightning is what you’re talking about this time you naughty man?”
Once more the servant seeks out and returns with drinks for the ‘couple.’
Rasputin: “By heck this stuff is doing the trick Lexy. My God I’m feeling a bit on the pissed side. Well I’ll be blowed – never thought this would happen! I even feel minded to pop down to Sports Direct buy meself a white nylon tracks suit and trainers. Mind you I’ll need a Chelsea FC peeked cap – what with the oligarch connections and that – to set the attire off I think. If I could I would thank the chavs of Britain personally.”
Alexandra: “Oh I’m so very happy for you. I must say your demeanour in drink is enchanting.”
Rasputin: “Lexy, look into my eyes, not around my eyes…look into my eyes, on the count of three….”
Good manners gives rise to the author self-censoring what happened next!
- I made that bit up – the rest was properly researched!