BREAKING NEWS FROM THE ‘TOWER HAMLETS TABLET’
A grave and tragic occurrence befell the street magician of worldwide renoun Manfred ‘The Illusionist’ Manfred when he took to filming the latest episode of the hit TV series ‘Man Magic’ to the streets of London. On the back of critical acclaim for his magical exploits on some of the toughest shanty town neighbourhoods on the planet (including those in Mogadishu, Lagos and Mumbai) Manfred had taken the view that a gentler conclusion to the series on the streets of Olde Blighty was a sound idea. How very wrong he was!
Presently Manfred lies in a coma and on the critical list after an unfortunate sequence of events on the Mile End Road in Tower Hamlets just yesterday afternoon. As we understand it from eye witnesses it seems Manfred’s somewhat direct style did not go down too well with local residents.
First up was track suited Jonny Perkins, an unemployed 27 year old and the owner of an intact pit-bull terrier ‘Nosher.’ In his own words Mr Perkins stated that, “This posh geezer wiv a camera crew ad the nerve to stop me in the street and ask if I ad any coins about my person. I could only reply ‘do f**king what you tosser do I look like I’ve got any cash?’ and then set Nosh onto him. ‘Ad to laugh though when me dog had a chunk of his calf off – saves me going down the shops to nick dog food don’t it.”
Manfred, never one to give up on a project then, we are told, popped into a local hostelry to tidy himself up. After spending some little time in the gent’s toilets he reappeared and had regained a modicum of composure. It was then that he sought out the pub landlord and requested to be served an iced tea. Well-proportioned barmaid, Fanny ‘The Bristol’s’ O’Donovan says, “Well after the boss, Bertie told the bloke we don’t sell little girls drinks in here and that it would be best for iz helf if e just pissed off e caught me collecting glasses and stuff in the bar area. Do you know what e – they call im Man Fred or somefing like that, whatever – said to me? No? Well I’ll tell yers. E says – bold as brass mind – e says, ‘How about I turn those two used bottle tops you have there into real puppies.’ F**king cheek. I tells im straight ditn’t I. Look these puppies of mine are 100% mine and appreciated far and wide you perve; I’ve not ad implants or nuffing. That’s when I glassed him. Blood everywhere.” We asked Fanny if she was worried the police might get involved now that she had, in effect, made a public confession. She winked as she replied, “Why should I, Bertie always sorts stuff like that out if you know what I mean!”
Moving on, and after purchasing a packet of Wet Wipes from Mr Patel’s corner shop poor Manfred, as we understand it, stopped Derek Patterson, known locally as ‘The Razor.’ Derek was he tells us, “Enjoying a nice little stroll down to Waitrose wiv me old mum when we was confronted by this twat and a bunch of blokes tooled up with video stuff and whatever when e says to me mum, ‘Give me your watch and I’ll perform an amazing magic trick for you.’ What else could I do but slash him about a bit. Her watch was a bloody Rolex I got down the pub for her burffdee wasn’t it – and no one; no one talks to me old mum like that. F**king cheek of it.”
Traumatised, Manfred, albeit blooded and in no fit state to ‘play on’ then approached Ted ‘The Claw’ Franklin as he was alighting from his Rolls Royce Silver Shadow parked illegally (sources advise)on the main highway. Whilst Mr Franklin declined our request for an interview his companion Vinnie ‘Say Please’ Tussle, a large framed, muscular man of great height advised, “The bloke was right out of order. This is Ted’s manor; Ted’s turf if you like. You just don’t come up to im wivvout an invite and say to im, like f**king matey boy did, ‘I can perform a magic trick with all that gold jewellery you’re wearing.’ Anyway, so I says – grabbing twatto by the collar I might add – ‘Say please.’ Well e answers ‘please.’ So I says, ‘If you fink you’re getting your ands on Mr Franklin’s medalions youv got another fink coming. So Mr Franklin gives me the nod and I beat this magic bloke to a pulp. Ain’t so magic now is e? Anyway, we’ve got a plane to catch.”
So there we have it – the demise of a master in the art of magic sadly hospitalized and fighting for his life. At time of going to press we await a statement from the hospital although inside information suggests things do not look very good for Manfred at this time.