Stepney AD 2014: Born behind a bus shelter in Tower Hamlets, JC the adult offspring of single mum Mary has, some would say, grown up with a chip on his shoulder.  These days he shares a little two up; two down Victorian cottage with live in partner coincidentally named Mary in Stepney. Recently though JC has got the public speaking bug. Most days he travels about London town trying to get his message across to others.  This specific day JC had tried to get that message across to a disappointingly small gathering up on Highgate Hill. Weary and stressed he returns home only to find Mary sat down in her favourite chair playing with her IPad thing exactly as he left her earlier!

Mary: “Not had a good day then by the look of you?”

JC: “You could say that. One gives it his best shot yet do they listen? Do they hell.”

Mary: “Who’s this Juan then?”

JC: “What you on about? Anyway what’s for supper? I’m bloody starving.”

Mary: “Oh I never got down the shops today I’ve been too busy communing on Facebook.”

JC: “You’re addicted to that sodding Facebook. All you do is sit on your fat arse day after day looking at pictures of kids, cats and cock-up videos. What’s it all about Mary? And how come you’ve got 700 odd ‘friends’ to share such drivel with?”

Mary: “I don’t think their ‘odd’ – there’s some very nice people out there. You’d find out for yourself if you weren’t so belligerent. No one likes you you know. How many friends have you got anyway – just the usual 12 from down the pub I suppose?”

JC: “True. Yet proper blokes like Hooky Luke and Mark the Scavenger and the others offer something a bit more philosophical than your lot put together. By the way I’m still starving rotten hungry.”

Mary: “Well there’s one of those Pot Noodles we brought in Poundland – you could have that?”

JC: “F**king Ada.”

JC goes off to the kitchen grumbling to himself as he boils water for his Pot Noodle. He returns to the lounge armed with said plastic carton and a spoon.

Mary: “So then what rant did you dish out today?”

JC: “Oh I thought I’d run with the Beatitudes you know. I’ve just sort of updated it for modern times. Did the, ‘Well chuffed are the snivellers for they will cop the lot,’ and ‘Give it some for the peacemakers cause they’ll likely slip under the Old Bill’s radar,’ oh yes and, ‘Spot on are those gagging for a ruby and a couple of Stella’s for they shall find a boozer and a curry house.’ You know that sort of stuff.”

Mary: “Good turn out then?”

JC: “Good turnout Ho bloody Ho! About 10 as it happens. And when I’d finished one cocky little bastard had the nerve to come forward saying that he was hoping for a bit of levitation. Well I said to him didn’t I; I said, ‘Look matey boy see that jumbo jet Heathrow bound up there? Well I did that through my unique levitational gift.’ Mind you he didn’t seem that impressed. And another thing, I had me doner kebab going cold while I was delivering my uplifting sermon then some twat says, ‘Stuff me I could do with a bite to eat, you got anything JC?’ Luckily I had purchased the giant version of the doner kebab. So there’s me dishing out me lunch to all and sundry. When I’d finished all I had left was the raw chilli and a gnat’s cock of pitta bread. That my love is why I expect a bloody hot plate of food on me table when I return home from a hard day spreading the message.”

Mary: “How was I to know you were going to go all charitable and give your nosh away? Anyway was the tramp bloke on your case again?”

JC: “Too true he was. Smelly oik follows me everywhere. He must be telepathic I’m guessing. Do you know that the greedy sod had first dibs of me kebab then shouts out, ‘It’s a miracle he’s feeding all of us using his Godly gifts.’

Mary: “That was a nice thing for him to say though.”

JC: “I got the twat back outside the Tube though – gave him a right kicking.”

Mary: “Oh you’re ever so cruel to that man. He obviously likes your Bible bashing rants. You should show him some respect really. Anyway, that Holy Book of your isn’t all that nice. Look here, on Facebook, Mavis from across the road just posted, from Deuteronomy 28:53-55, ‘You will eat the fruit of your womb, the flesh of your own sons and daughters, while begrudging your relatives any share of your children that you are using for food.’ That’s terrible that is.”

JC: “What’s wrong with that? Sounds a whole lot better than this f**king tasteless Pot Noddle.”

Mary: “Well me and Mavis think it’s sick – so there!”

JC: “Not to be overly sarcastic, after such a hearty and filling meal I’m leaving you to your sad little Facebook and I’m off down the pub. All the boys are there tonight plus Jesusella that little black lesbian girl I told you about.  She says she’s the new Messiah; the second coming of Christ. I think I told you about her before. She’s the one that landlord is thinking of barring because every time our pint glasses are empty they automatically fill up again when she’s about; it’s playing havoc with his margins. Lovely little maid she is, one of the lads and speaks a lot of sense and, oh yes, did your hear she performed a miracle just yesterday when she lay a hand upon the brow of Eric ‘Tourette’s’ Amplemouth. He hasn’t said ‘f**k off’ even once since – so put that in your pipe and smoke it!”

With that Jonathan Cummings leaves for the pub.

Who did you think I was talking about? The first series of JC & Mary set in Judea AD28 can be found at;







    1. Thank you for the comment – in truth it was the satire bit only I was aiming at and I do rather like my new character in the form of a female Messiah. She came out of the blue toward the end of knocking out this post yet I feel she has, as the awful phrase goes, ‘legs.’ Thank you again.

  1. Fucking hell, so the damn dyke can cure a guy of his fucking gilles de la darn tourette’s? Truly a miracle!…I’d say Jesus will have to to better than ‘lifting’ a jumbo jet if he wishes to stay competative…though I like the thought of the new messiah being a woman. Should be an improvement over the first one, provided Margaret Thatcher wasn’t it;)

    1. Thanks for the comment. The concept for a lovely black lesbian lady as the new Messiah only hit me late on when writing this piece. I feel compelled at some point to carry this character forward in a manner that allows her to ridicule stereotypes and to dispel myths. Mind you I’m not sure how just yet!

  2. Considering the troubles and tribulations I am currently going through Mike, I feel compelled to offer you my honest thanks for this one mate – brought a rare titter out of me. Mercy bocko! TTFN

    1. A ‘rare titter’ – there’s a thing. Good on you – trust all improves soon. Am off to watch Gillingham play Walsall and no doubt Gillingham will lose as, most likely will my beloved Arsenal thus my mood over the day I expect to take a turn for the worse!

      1. LOL! Then you should trade in being an atheist to being Catholic. LOL! (I’m not Catholic, but I always say I should be for all the guilt I carry.) But seriously, while I shouldn’t laugh at Tourette’s it is the source of a lot of funny stories.

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