JC LOSES HIS ABILITY TO LEVITATE!

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Stepney AD 2014: Today we find – unusually for her – Mary, unbuckled from her IPad and down the Nags Head public house nagging at JC. The pair are sat in a corner at a table removed from the regular punters in order that she can have a private word in his shell-like. Whilst Mary has opted for a glass of Milk Stout that will last her all night JC is already on his second pint of lager. 

JC: “Christ Mary that first one didn’t even touch the sides such was the enormity of me thirst.  Anyway you said you wanted a reflective word with me. Spit it out girl.” 

Mary: “Look JC I’ve been meaning to talk to you for some time now. It’s just that this levitation thing of yours is now getting out of hand. It’s time you faced the fact that you cannot; indeed never have been able to levitate.” 

JC: “Do what?  I’ve been levitating for as long as can remember. How dare you say I can’t do it? On what basis do you make such a wounding remark – it cuts me to the quick when you say such things.” 

Mary: “Well, for instance take that Sunday afternoon stroll in the park a couple of weeks back.  There was that sweet little boy who had let go of his balloon which you spotted floating away up in the sky. You really shouldn’t have told him that you levitated it thus. It was a cruel thing to say; the poor kid was in floods of tears. Any fool could see it was a bloody helium balloon.” 

JC: “You’re having a laugh luv. That’s was – in my considered view – a fine example of the natural gift for levitation that I possess. Simple as that.” 

Mary: “You’re not listening are you? Think about it – every single time you see an aeroplane or a bird you claim to have levitated it. You are beginning to bore people shitless. You must be able to see it? Only the other day when that squirrel fell out of the tree into the road and young Raj in his white van ran it over and killed it you announced to all and sundry that it only fell because you ‘un-levitated’ it. In your heart of hearts you must know that the bloody thing simply took a tumble. It’s got to the stage now where the only people who think you can levitate are those wonderful little kids from the school for the blind.”

JC: “So you’ve lost all faith in me then?” 

Mary: “Of course I haven’t but I really do think you need a new hobby.  Why don’t you take up a bit of baptism? The teenagers breed like rabbits these days so you’d have punters galore. Think of all the tips you’ll get if you leave your hat out for them to throw money in in gratitude.” 

JC: “Hadn’t thought of that. Suppose I could give it a try if it kept the peace at home luv.” 

Mary: “Glad to hear it – especially so as that lovely little black lesbian girl Jesusella really has got the gift for levitation and much more I can tell you.  Remember that only last week she was down at Millwall for the cup match against West Ham and what did she do?” 

JC: “Yeah, yeah, yeah she had the Millwall thuggery applauding when we scored each of our 7 goals and also had them turning the other cheek at some of the ref’s decisions that didn’t go their way. And then when their centre forward went down with a double fracture of his right leg following a sublime two footed tackle in the manner of Julian Dicks you could hear a pin drop as the whole of the crowd were consumed in contemplative prayer. I agree she is a clever girl that one.” 

Mary: “And you yourself said that whenever she’s down the pub she miraculously refills your glass with lager every time you’ve quaffed one back.  And consider for a moment that poor, barren, tweed-encased old harridan Molly Shanks up the road. Just the one hand laying and a brisk walk past the doors of the sperm bank and her lifelong dream of a successful pregnancy was fulfilled.  Now that’s what I call a miracle!” 

JC: “She hasn’t half got a following on Facebook as well. I checked it out the other day. Over six million now and as for her Twitter account, well it must number in billions across the planet. Mind she’s still got the common touch and such a way with words. Shame the Pope wrote to The Times calling her a heretic really. The daggers will be out for her now – especially as people are calling her the New Messiah.” 

Mary: “Well when I bumped into her down the launderette she was at pains to tell me that all she wants to bring to the world is peace and love and to spread the word of her Mother to one and all. It’s so unfair that the Pope can’t see beyond the end of his nose.  Of course he sees that any Second Coming will be in the form of a straight white bloke. Anyway finish up the pint JC I want to get back home and check who’s updated on Facebook.” 

JC: “No problem luv I’m on the case.” 

With that Jonathan Cummings and his wife Mary depart the pub and head off home. 

Mary: “Look JC isn’t it romantic, clear cloudless night sky?” 

JC: “See that moon up there luv – I did that with me levitation.” 

Mary: “I’ll have no such talk JC – we agreed. It’ll be ration time in the bedroom department if you’re not careful!” 

JC: “What moon?”

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10 thoughts on “JC LOSES HIS ABILITY TO LEVITATE!

  1. People levitate all the time around here. Just yesterday, I watched the cheerleader squad do a collective handstand. It had to be levitation that kept them from falling into the night sky.

    Beautifully written, Mike.

    1. Thanks for that. I’ve been running with these JC’s & Mary pieces for a little while now – I think this is the seventh. I may take Jesusella into the limelight soon. I like your observation re the cheerleaders particularly the gravity defying observation. Hope you don’t mind but I just clicked ‘follow’ on your blog.

  2. I love how Jesus’s ego plays out in this one. It’s deliciously sad,
    And it’s very ironic only the blind still have faith in him…that certainly relates to present day religion, doesn’t it?
    Superb piece of writing!

    1. What I wanted here was a piece that didn’t deny religion (even though I am an atheist) yet finished awkwardly for any believer. Thus I have challenged in the form of the wise black lesbian as the second coming; the probable new messiah believers to tell me that God cannot be a woman; cannot be black and additionally cannot be a lesbian! It is therefore my small satirical offer to the cause. As to the blind still having faith in JC do you know how stupid I am – I didn’t see just how profound that was until you pointed it out – bollocks. I trust therefore that, even as an alien you are teaching English Lit – if not why not?

      1. Well, I don’t consider it a matter of stupidity. I sometimes read back what I wrote and find layers I never knew were there! I guess when you’re writing something good, it automatically becomes good on many levels.
        Maybe the image you created of JC was a holistic one and very fitting satirewise…Analytically the layers come automatically. I would expect your son to know what this is like when composing music;)

        As for the wise black lesbian…that’s a savior I could see myself listening to!;)

  3. I really like this. It’s funny, and damningly relevant at the same time. Indeed, if Jesusella were to return, she’d be exactly as you depict her: a common, non-ruling class person who is the embodiment of everything Christianity hates. This Messiah is one I can identify with. Ironically, the Jesus depicted in the Bible, when I read it, also seems to speak to me and all the other outcasts who do not fit in and are considered despicable by the ruling classes of society. Amazing how the Catholic Church and other organized Christian denominations have chosen to ignore this about their god. They’ve made Jesus into a white, homophobic, right-wing, hate monger who’s, to me, simply a monster. Whoever it was who wrote the Gospels of the New Testament would be sickened, I think, to see how their Christ has been crucified once again by the very religions which claim to teach his word. Idiots. Religion sucks. But not your writing. Outstanding, my friend.

    1. Couldn’t agree more. Basically any messiah type character – if one accepts the supposition there could be such a thing – wouldn’t vote Republican in the US or Conservative in the UK. Right wing anything would fly in the face of the character from the original legends. Yet to have any meaning in these times (i.e. to be ‘good’) such a messiah could not have the hang ups of homophobia; sexism; racism nor would their politics countenance protectionism. All conjecture I know yet fascinating to contemplate. What is the old phrase? ‘Man made God in his own image – not the other way round.’ Thanks for the comment. Appreciated.

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