NOSTRADAMUS PREDICTS RAIN IN THE WEST OF ENGLAND!

Image

The year is 1551. Perched upon a stool at Le Pen & Ink Bar in the small village of Salon-de-Provence in Southern France is Nostradamus.  As ever he is the worse for drink. Today his chosen tipple has been St Omer lager – a decidedly French beer yet with hints of Flemish hops – with the usual cognac chasers.  The reason why he imbibes thus? Well, it is well known to the reprobates who are the regulars at Le Pen & Ink that Nostradamus can only get his vibe on the prediction front when in his cups. As of right now he feels a prophecy coming on. The usual suspects wait with baited breath in the hope that the latest forecast will somehow be of use to them. 

Landlord: “Would you Adam and Eve it, that’ll be the wall above the urinal bolloxed again. Only just cleaned all the graffiti off after last week’s debacle. Why, oh why he can’t just bring a quill and parchment with him and write his predictions down on that I’ll never know.” 

Pierre: “Well like he says, it’s his ritual – call it OCD if you like yet when he feels one coming on it’s off to the bog with his magic marker from le Poundland shop and bingo, ‘job done.’ Anyway what makes you think we’re due one now?” 

Landlord: “Well he’s on the ‘tilt’ again as the English say. If he’s running true to form it’ll happen any minute. I feel a quatrain coming on – 100% certain.” 

Frank: “Oi Nostro, you got a quatrain on the go then mate. What’s it to be today? Hope it’s something useful this time. Not like your last one, you know that one about some Princess called Diana dying in a car crash in an underpass in Paris in 1997?” 

Pierre: “What’s a car, and for that matter what’s an underpass?” 

Frank: “Fucked if I know. Anyway 1997 is 450 years hence. The thing is, knowing that is no use to man or beast – that’s what I say!” 

Nostro: “Suit your f**king self.” 

Pierre: “Tell you what Nostro give us the heads up on the result of the Toulouse versus Agen match on Saturday. We can have a whip round and place a bet and be Francs in.” 

Nostro: “No can do – I’m getting nothing on the football front yet the urge to post a swift quatrain has just smacked me in the face. See you twats in a minute.” 

NOSTRO EXITS TO THE GENTS 

Landlord: “I really don’t know why I put up with him you know. He never posts anything about the ‘now.’ I mean his first wife died of the Black Death. He never saw that one coming the useless tosser.” 

Frank: “He’s on his way back from the kharzi I see. I’ll just pop in there and take a snap of what’s he’s most likely written up using my new IPhone 5 for posterities sake – plus we can have a laugh reading it.” 

NOSTRO RETURNS TO HIS BAR STOOL; FRANK VISITS THE LOO 

Frank: “Here boys kop a butchers at this. Quatrain 361; 

“The great troupe and cross bearing sect

will arise in Mesopotamia from a nearby river

the light will come which such a lore or

religion will hold for an enemy.” 

Landlord: “Give me strength he’s getting worse. Nostro what does that what you have written on the urinal wall mean for crying out loud?” 

Nostro: “Oh, that’ll be the Gulf War of 1991 if you must know.  Whatever I feel I’ve had me quota of booze for the day. I’ll be getting back to the missus – and no Pierre you will not be getting your leg across with Fifi from the dairy tonight or any other night as she’s already shagging Maurice the well hung butcher of Nerac.” 

Pierre: “You’re a bastard Nostro; that’s what you are – a complete and utter bastard.” 

WITH THAT NOSTRO TOTTERS OFF HOMEWARD BOUND.  UPON ENTERING HIS DWELLING PLACE HE NOTICES HIS WIFE, ANNE, SITTING IN HER USUAL CHAIR ENGROSSED IN HER IPAD. 

Anne: “Only a few days to go now Nostro and we’ll be off on our holiday’s across Le Manche to the West Country of England. Look I’ve Googled it on me IPad thingy and see, see pretty thatched cottages, miles of sandy beaches; clotted cream teas; organic cider from locally sourced apples. Oh I am so looking forward to it.” 

Nostro: “No point in going luv it’s going to piss down and there’s a strong likelihood of storm force winds that will be classified at least an Amber Flood Warning, more probably a Red Alert.” 

Anne: “Why did you have to tell me that?” 

WITH THAT NOSTRO CLIMBS THE WOODEN STAIRS TO BED IN ORDER TO SLEEP OFF HIS ALCOHOLIC STUPUR

This post is the sequel to;  

https://mikesteeden.wordpress.com/2013/11/21/nostradamus-predicts-winner-of-strictly-come-dancing/

Advertisements

13 thoughts on “NOSTRADAMUS PREDICTS RAIN IN THE WEST OF ENGLAND!

  1. I never realized how useless Nostradamus must have been in his day, predicting things hundreds of years in the future (albeit very accurate, I must say)…yet another great take on a historical figure who had it coming! (And in this case Nostradamus already knew that of course;))

    1. Years ago – as a birthday present I recall – I was given a book containing the entirety of his quatrains and if the truth be known I didn’t understand one of them. I only got the flavour for his predictions when Al Stewart wrote his Nostradamus song (worth a listen by the way). The thing is I like the idea of him having to get pissed in order to get in the zone!

      1. I’ll check out Al Stewart’s take on Nostradamus…I’m only familiar with his better known work (Year of the Cat, which is one of my favorite songs I think)…I think it’s very well possible Nostradamus was a druggy of some s(n)orts. It surely would explain a lot;)

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s