Residents, shoppers and workers alike were left baffled and astounded yesterday afternoon when local boy 19 year old Dwight ‘Crab Apples’ Montague blitzed the entire 1.3 mile length of London’s Mile End Road in just 4 seconds flat.*   En route young Dwight even found time to pop into a local wine bar to refresh himself with a couple of Peroni’s and a packet of smokey bacon crisps. Amazingly the 4 second run included this time out for sustenance!

Greengrocer Raj Khan told us, “Truth be told I’ve never seen anything quite like it.  I was bagging up a few plums for old Ethel Perkins when we heard the deafening boom of the speed of sound being broken as Dwight whizzed past leaving a trail of fire in his wake. Scared me shitless at first then I realized it must be young ‘Crab Apples’ having a bit of a run.  Only last week I heard he had swum from Dover to Calais – that’s 20 miles you know – in 37 seconds.  He’s quick that boy is; very quick indeed.”

We did ask Ethel for her take on what surely must be a world record of sorts yet all she could add was, “Aint seen nuffink and if anyone says otherwise they’re fucking liars.”

We caught up with a barely out of breath Dwight not long after a police constable had finished questioning the lad.

“Well tell the truth I don’t know what that was all about.  Just ‘cause I’m black the bloody copper thought I’d nicked a handbag and fucked off with it!  I put him straight I can tell you – racist bastard.”

On the subject as to how it is he can run so very fast Dwight told us, “Dunno really, I mean we’ve got no runners – so to speak – in the family that I’m aware of. Me dad worked as a gasket replacement engineer at Sizewell B Nuclear Power Station years ago and me mum was a radioactive waste supervisor there as well. That’s where they met as it happens. Anyway there’s nothing in me background or upbringing that accounts for me blistering pace.”

Clearly fame, fortune and celebrity are a certainty so how will Dwight cope with such things? Even as we were talking with him a small gathering of scantily clad local girl’s, no doubt wishing to jump on his bandwagon were eyeing him up. Asked if he had a girlfriend presently Dwight answered, “Loads, not so they’d notice though. I’m pretty quick at that as well. I’m more a quantity over quality bloke in that regard.”

Our reporter put it to Dwight that a myriad of Olympic Medals were a given yet he was a little reticent only saying, “I don’t know what me best distance is yet; you know 100 metres or the marathon. All the fucking same to me.”

Usain Bolt was unavailable for comment at this time.

So, best of luck Dwight – we will be hearing a lot more of this young man that is for sure!

  • As recorded and verified by speed camera’s placed at various points along the Mile End Road


    1. Cheers – it is a strange thing making up stories. Sometimes the ridiculous overwhelms me and either a gem or alternatively abject drivel appears. Strange indeed.

  1. “Asked if he had a girlfriend presently Dwight answered, “Loads, not so they’d notice though. I’m pretty quick at that as well. I’m more a quantity over quality bloke in that regard.”

    To which our town pessimist, old Bill Dahler, would say, “every gift comes with a curse”.

  2. Awesome…for the first couple of paragraphs I was wondering: where is he going with this? Great, unexpected twist in the middle there…I’m sure Usain Bolt is unavailable to comment because he’s set up camp next to Fukishima;)

    1. Cheers – not sure if this was going any place. Got the title; put on the lunatic hat; then wrote! Don’t usually go that route yet I found myself having a chuckle when I got to Raj the greengrocer and stayed with it! I’m probably on the cusp of insanity.

      1. Well, it definitely works…I think it’s often said a writer needs to know where he’s headed, but in my experience awesome pieces can be conceived by not conceiving them upfront;)
        Enjoy insanity, sanity is overrated;)

  3. Well, I’m inspired. Can we get ol’ Crab Apples over here to play in the NFL? He would make a lot of money.

    1. Highest bidder my friend. Heralding as the boy does from London’s East End money speaks. Mind you you’ll not understand a single word when he gets into Cockney rhyming slang! Thanks for the comment.

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