Job Centre Mandy: “Well Wally it says here you’ve been out of employment for two years now. I see your doctor originally signed you off as unfit to work because you have a thing called ‘Wolfwhistler’s Syndrome.”

Wally: “True Mandy I have been afflicted thus. The overwhelming need to ‘wolf whistle’ I suffer when in the company of the fairer sex is akin, I am told, to Tourette’s yet much, much rarer.”

Mandy: “Well we need to get you back into gainful employment soon as your benefits will cease otherwise. Tell me Wally what jobs had you had prior to your diagnosis?”

Wally: “Oh, I don’t really want to discuss the matter – it is all so very painful even now with the passage of time.”

Mandy: “I’m sorry Wally you really must – face your demons and all that old bilge.”

Wally: “If I must then. Well last time out I was a guard at Holloway Prison; you know the place where miscreant females are confined. I got the sack after a whistling incident in the shower room area – got a bit off a major kicking as well.  There’s some tough old birds incarcerated there I can tell you. The thing was I just couldn’t help myself when I saw a whole bunch of girls clutching only their hand towels and making for the washroom. I do believe I had the most severely pursed lips in the whole of England that day – took a week for the swelling to go down. In short it was all too much for a man burdened as I am with this condition of mine.”

Mandy: “And before that?”

Wally: “An odd job man at Billericay Sixth Form College for Girls. A bit of a debacle really for it all went horribly, horribly wrong from day one.”

Mandy: “Shower room incident again?”

Wally: “Wow, how did you guess that? Anyway prior to that I worked as a waiter at the Young Lesbian Naturist Sauna & Spa in Notting Hill – I still bear the scars from the savage beating I took there; wounds that will never heal in body and in mind. You will never understand just how I’ve suffered over the years. Mind you there were some gorgeous girls ensconced there – shame they went the Sapphic route if you don’t mind me saying so, then again……”

Mandy: “Were you not the man I once read about in the papers? The bloke who signed up for a Nude Photography course at the Mile End Art College and got kicked out after a tirade of wolf whistles proved just too much for some glamour model of international renown. Wasn’t she quoted as saying, ‘One wolf whistle I take as a compliment yet when it becomes an all-consuming timpani it’s just taking the piss in my book.’ Crikey, you made the national press with that one Wally.”

Wally: “That was me I’m ashamed to say. I think I must be unemployable?”

Mandy: “Not at all Wally, not at all. Do not despair.  I think I’ve got just the job for you on our books.”

Wally: “Really? Tell me more.”

Mandy: “Can you swim?”

Wally: “Like a fish Mandy – I’ve got all my certificates and everything.”

Mandy: “Well I see here that there is the post for an instructor for the Deaf, Dumb & Blind Ladies synchronized swimming Olympic Team going. The salary is a fine one as well. What do you think?”

Wally: “Just the ticket Mand! Ticks all the boxes – so to speak. Indeed, I feel my lips firming up as we talk.” 



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