HUGH KIP THE CLOWN & THE RADICALISED HOMING PIGEON!

 

Mrs Kip: “Oh look dear those two gay chaps, Graham and Nigel, up the road have sent us an invite to the reception they’re having in their backyard after their civil partnership on Saturday – all the neighbours are going. It’s an RSVP so I’ll say we’ll be attending shall I? Sounds like a really nice do.”

Hugh: “Do what luv!  Crikey they’re a couple of queers. You wouldn’t get me there for all the tea in China – ‘taint natural what they get up to. Bloody queers.”

Mrs Kip: “How can you say such a daft thing dear? I must remind you that it was Graham who gave you the kiss of life when that disorientated radicalised homing pigeon on its way back from Northern Pakistan flew smack into your forehead causing you to fall in the street and smash the back of your head on the kerb.

Hugh: “No he didn’t – it was a regular bloke who enabled me to recover and thereafter live a normal life.”

Mrs Kip: “I was there remember. It was Graham, I saw him bloody resuscitate you. His lips on yours bringing you back from the dead, so to speak. Such a kind man; well they both are.”

Hugh: “Anyway I blame it all on us joining the EU. Didn’t have any queers in this great nation of ours before the EU you realize.  Bloody Brussels to blame for everything in my book.”

Mrs Kip: “What about Oscar Wilde then?  He was before the EU. Got you there haven’t I?”

Hugh: “Bog Irish – don’t count.”

Mrs Kip: “Well I’m going even if you’re not you mean spirited man you.  Anyway I’m eternally grateful to Nigel. That day when that skinhead boy tried to rob me of my handbag in the street in the cold light of day it was Nigel who bravely fought off the little thug and saved the day.”

Hugh: “Wasn’t a skinhead – they’re white remember. It was a black bloke who tried to nick your bag. That’s what the black bastards do – famous for it.”

Mrs Kip: “Hugh, don’t be so stupid. It was me that was being attacked not you – you weren’t even there. It was a white boy who tried to mug me.”

Hugh: “Well if you won’t have it that he was black – and personally I still believe that to be the case – then the only white sort who might have tried it on would be one of those immigrants from Eastern Europe we have to let in because of the fucking EU.”

Mrs Kip: “No, no, no it was a local boy from the estate – he got nicked for it and right now he’s doing his community service polishing door knobs at the town hall.  I can assure you that you don’t get ‘whiter’ than that little lump of shit – excuse my language.”

Hugh: “I still blame Europe whatever you say. I mean before the EU women of your social status didn’t even carry handbags.  Only the posh tarts ‘ad ‘em back then.  The common woman with a hand bag no less; never heard the like of it.  It’s like women having jobs when they should be at home doing a bit a ‘love, honour and obeying’ and not taking away the jobs men are entitled to.  I bloody hate Brussels I do. International Women’s Day – what a load of bollocks that is.”

Mrs Kip: “Oh, I meant to say you’ll have to have pasta instead of chips with your meal tonight as I didn’t have time to get any shopping today.”

Hugh: “Pasta! You expect me to eat some Italian muck instead of proper British food.  Before the EU you’d have never seen an Englishman eating fucking Italian food – never even ‘eard of it in those days.  For my part I’ll go down the chip shop and get a take-away.”

Mrs Kip: “Bill’s Chippy or Arni the Pole’s?”

Hugh: “Fuck me – what do you think?”

Mrs Kip: “Darn it, a light bulb has just blown.”

Hugh: “That’ll be down to Europe then.”

THE END – IF, BY THE WAY, YOU ARE SEXIST, RACIST, HOMOPHOBIC, ANTI-EUROPE, PROTECTIONIST, ANTI-IMMIGRATION AND QUITE HAPPY TO LIVE IN A PAST THAT NEVER EXISTED THEN PLEASE ‘VOTE FOR THE UKIP’ IN THE FORTHCOMING EUROPEAN ELECTIONS.