LARRY JOTTER & THE LAMPOST OF DESIRE

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An abridged version of the bestselling novel by Jake Tumbling, an alcoholic, estranged from his family, and penned in a transport café on the A13

Absolutely wizard darts playing schoolboy Larry Jotter attends the Super Wizard Darts Academy for Boys & Girls, Lakeside, Frimley Green, Surrey.  15 year old Larry is top of his class when it comes to playing the ancient game – born of the field of Agincourt – of darts and has been fortunate to make two good friends during his time at this internationally acclaimed house of learning.  Those friends are Posh Name Clever-Clogs, a lovely girl who herself is no slouch on the oche and albeit something of a ‘dimmo’ his best mate Reg Badger. Larry’s life should be a bed of roses – except that it is not.  No, the poor lad’s very existence is blighted by the evil trickery of a sixth former, Denis ‘Four Belly’s’ Clamper renowned as possibly the most gifted dart’s student of all time.  Denis currently is on a 7 year run of 2,487 consecutive 501 nine dart finishes yet of late has become aware of the up and coming Larry who he now deems to be his only rival.  Denis cannot have that – no Denis cannot have that all! Matters are made worse when Den discovers that Posh Name Clever-Clogs has been snooping around and discovered Den’s dark and dastardly secret, namely the he is a fraud who has throughout his education been using remote controlled homing darts thus ensuring directional certainty every single time he lets an arrow go – the cheating bastard.   We join Larry along with both chums and sworn enemies in the form of Den and his cohorts for the end of term decider for the Trophy of Darting Destiny – the most coveted academic prize of all – at The Lampost of Desire, St Chad’s (the patron saint of disputed elections by the way) Chadwell Heath in the county of Essex. Larry and Den are the finalists. The antediluvian rules that apply to the tournament are that both finalists are allowed just 9 darts each, thrown alternately, and for there to be a victor one of the pair has to get three consecutive arrows in the belly button of the bronze statue ‘Sharon, Early Essex Girl of the Night’ whose sculptured image forms the body of The Lampost of Desire. Will Den’s dirty secret come to light?

Posh Name: “I say Denis you had best play jolly fair this afternoon or I will speak privately with our Head, Albert Dumbtwat and advise him of your propensity to cheat using those homing darts of yours.”

Den: “Leave it out luv if you know what’s good for you – else Muncher Sillybollocks here will, how shall I put it, cut you up a bit. You know scar that pretty little boatrace of yours.”

Posh Name: “Golly and gosh Denis that is a very unkind thing to say.”

Den: “Fuck off I’m just about to take to the oche for me first throw.”

Larry: “Think you’ll find the rules state that it is my right given that I won the toss to have first dibs in that regard old chap.”

Den: “Shut it tosser. Fuck off out the way.”

Reg: “Crikey Larry, Den’s just got a belly’s eye with his first dart. Your turn now, best of luck old chum.”

LARRY ALSO NAILS HIS DART INTO THE BELLY BUTTON OF THE LAMPOST OF DESIRE – DEN’S NEXT TURN!

Den: “Beginners luck twatto keep your pearlies on this matey boy.”

Larry: “A very good shot Denis yet I feel in fine fettle and look see I have matched you dart for dart.”

THE SCORE STANDS AT 2-2

Den: “You overlook Larry that it is my turn now and if I get this one – which I will – that’ll be three in a row in Venus’ navel. Looks to me like you’re the loser tosspot.”

Posh Name: “Mr Dumbtwat Sir, Denis Clamper is cheating. He is using remote controlled homing darts as, in truth, he has no darting prowess at all. You must intervene for he seeks to deceive you.”

Dumbtwat: “Miss Clever-Clogs I’ve watched Denis’ progress over his time here and I think I can say no more honourable a student have I ever encountered. How could you say such an awful thing of him – you should be ashamed of yourself girl.”

Den: “Fucking told you bitch – got the old boy in me pocket luv. Ever since the choirboy incident on the school outing to Southend he’s been a most valuable member of me firm.”

DENIS THROWS HIS THIRD AND FINAL HOMING DART WITH TOTAL ACCURACY AND THUS WINS THE THROPHY OF DARTING DESTINY

Larry: “Crumbs you are such a bamboozler Denis.”

Posh Name: “Yes, Denis aren’t you ashamed of yourself?”

Den: “Muncher get this pair, and that thick carrot topped Reg out of me sight. I’m thinking deep freeze unit on meat hooks down at Ali’s Halal processing plant in Epping.”

Muncher: “Take it as read Den mate.”

DEN AND HIS COHORTS PERFORM THEIR VICTORY RITUAL BY SINGING ‘SIMPLY THE BEST’ IN THE STYLE OF TINA TURNER EXCEPT WITH PROPER GEEZER GRUFF VOICES!     

 

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4 thoughts on “LARRY JOTTER & THE LAMPOST OF DESIRE

  1. Great stuff!…I’ve never even read this Harry Potter thing, but you had me at ‘Posh Name Clever Clogs’…thinks that probably sums up the character quite well!;) Great idea to transpose this story to a game of darts, very down to Earth, which I like;)

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