FREDERICK PERKINS – ‘VELCRO CONSULTANT TO THE STARS’

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Ring ring…….ring ring……..ring

“Hello is there anyone there…hello……….”

“Frederick Perkins.”

“Is that the actual Frederick Perkins, Velcro Consultant to the Stars?”

“Yes, that is I – how can I help you?”

“Phew that’s a result – thought I might have got the wrong number.  Anyway, Jonathan Crumbly here I am most interested in conspiracy theories and urban myths and have heard a little something on the grapevine that has whetted my appetite in terms of verification.”

“What’s that then Jonathan?”

“Well given that you are I understand the world’s foremost expert on the history, manufacture and usage of Velcro that more often than not you pass onto to the stars and celebrities via a myriad of social networking sites, can you confirm (or otherwise) the authenticity of this little gem I wonder?  You see there’s a bloke down the pub who swears that Jimi Hendrix suffered from a Velcro phobia (as yet unnamed by medical science) brought on after an unfortunate incident when bending over to fix the Velcro buckles on his trainers. It seems that his somewhat wayward haircut in the Afro style caused, when he leaned forward to affix said buckle, to become entwined with his frizzy locks and reluctant to cut his hair to effect the removal of the trainer he had to take the decision to wear a Westerner hat from then on until the day he passed away.”

“Well Jonathan I am of the considered opinion that that story constitutes an urban myth no less.  Certainly it cannot be true. You see poor Jimi choked on his own vomit and died back in 1970. Whilst Velcro was invented by George de Mestral in 1948 its commercial uses in terms of shoe closures on footwear did not commence until the end of that decade.”

“Really, how very interesting.”

“Yes it is. Also there is another red herring doing the rounds you might want to make a mental note of, namely that the curly mopped child film star from the 1930’s Shirley Temple suffered the same fate whilst on the film set for the movie ‘Curly Top’ in 1935 – almost 20 years prior to its invention!  There are some cheeky rascals out there making up stories I can tell you.  However what I can tell you by way of a little snippet is a funny little story from a few years ago when manufacturers of ladies knickers were blighted by a worldwide shortage of knicker elastic no less!  It was thus that some idiot designed such panties to include a Velcro gusset as an alternative to elastic with the intention of preventing them from falling down.  There was, it turns out uproar in the Northern Territory of Australia causing the Velcro gusset to be banned after several native Australian ladies found, road testing the knickers with said gussets got stuck to how shall I put it?  Well may as well go the Aussie route, their ‘bush’ which meant when popping to the loo the panties were stuck fast.  A number of them, as you can imagine had embarrassing little ‘accidents.’  Furthermore, I think you’ll also find said gussets play havoc with Brazilians yet as to if they have been banned there as well I’ll have to check and get back to you – let us just say there was many a ‘close shave’ in the wake of the furore.”

“Well that’s a stonker of a tale – I can’t wait to go down the pub and tell the boys that one! Thank you so much.”

“Only too pleased to be of assistance Jonathan.”

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8 thoughts on “FREDERICK PERKINS – ‘VELCRO CONSULTANT TO THE STARS’

    1. Sadly aside from the fact that Velcro was invented by George whatever his name was in 1948 the rest is bollocks no less – you will understand my research is thorough!

    1. Thanks for that – I rather fell for the characters as I needed someone other than Svetlana and Carruthers etc. for a change. My template is fraying at the edges.

    1. Cheers – the Teflon gusset. Now there’s a thing worthy of musings. The non stick gusset no less – must check with the missus as to who might need these. If I were you I’d be rushing to the patent office just in case.

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