A Mo Collarup Investigation

“Hello, hello……is that J Arthur…oh, whatever, J something….hello….”

“This is the direct private line to me Sir, me, J Edgar Hoover, Director of the Federal Bureau of Investigation and just who the hell are you limey?”

“J Edgar Hoover, that’s it…still J Arthur were quite close weren’t it. Mo Collarup at your service, London boy private investigator you instructed to conduct a covert enquiry into that Marilyn Monroe tart – remember? You said you didn’t feel inclined to let the FBI handle the matter in case of leaks to the Press.”

“Gotcha Mo – what have you got for me?”

“Well mate as I understand you are concerned that Marilyn is shagging your President and you thought that by having me covertly nick her false teeth that that might dampen the President’s ardour in the bedroom department what with her face looking all sunken and that being devoid of her gnashers when he next cops a gander her way.”

“Carry on.”

“I am able to report that I have about my person not just one but two sets of the bird in question’s false teeth recovered from her apartment this very afternoon. For the record you might want to know that I had, using a cunningly placed sonic device outside her building established to me satisfaction that she were taking a bath. It were then that I gained entry to her flat.  Beside her bed in a mug I located and removed her dentures – encased I might add in Sterodent cleaning solution.  Thereafter while sniffing through her knicker drawer I came across her spare set…..”

“Stop there Mo. You did what in her knicker draw?”

“Do what mate for fuck sake let us finish. Right, from her knicker drawer I secreted her second set of falsies – you know, like her emergency set – into me jacket pocket. Job done, piece of piss, fucking doddle.  Young Marilyn had no idea I been in and out in a jiffy for she were belting out a fine rendition of The Internationale whilst taking of her ablutions.”

“The Internationale you say – that’s one of those leftie songs isn’t it?”

“People’s anthem mate. Anyway she was giving it some wellie I can tell you.”

“You know I’ve always had her marked down as a commie – and of all things we can’t have a commie infiltrating The Oval Office by way of carnal activities with The President can we?”

“Don’t give a fuck mate – still you got double bubble there. If I’d known it meant that much to you I’d have lumped me bill up still c’est la vie.”

“Well done Mo – fine job.”


“Bollocks just where are my false teeth.  I feel sure I had them aside my bed in this very mug. Still there is always my spare set to fall back on……oh buggeration the spares seem to have gone walkabout as well…..what am I to do for without teeth I shall look like a raddled old hag or even worse the gurning champion of the world and Jack won’t love me anymore. I’m even spitting saliva all about the place just talking to myself.”


“Bloody hell Marilyn girl you’ve positively covered me in gob splosh just saying ‘hello’ and where’s your teeth? Your face looks as sunken as a Texas oil prospector’s test hole. Blige you are a sight to behold.”

“Oh Jack I knew you wouldn’t love me without teeth….I think I’m going to cry.”

“Don’t cry Marilyn. Look, as my old dad used to say, ‘You don’t look at the mantel piece when you’re poking the fire.’

“Sure you don’t mind?”

“Game on girl; game on.”






      1. Darn it, I’m so busted…indeed, creativity is very much fueled by a cig every now and then…I’m down to three cigs a day, though, so I don’t wake up every morning feeling like I swallowed an ashtray;)

    1. I did funnily enough – I think the news came out last year? Evil bastard that he was. Might have been a better bloke if he’d come out. Also I feel sure he will feature along the way. Cheers, Mike
      PS My music student son just wrote a cracking song in tribute of the WW1 war dead after visiting a grave site in France. The song is not the ballad I thought it might be yet is very good. I’m trying to convince him to let me post it – not with much luck presently. It is called ‘Aged 19’ so should it appear on my blog I cannot take the credit!

      1. I just started following this blog – my thanks to you for pointing it out. I will be in Arras & Bethune in Northern France later next week and will hum the song as a matter of respect. Did you know that at midday, every day in Bethune in the town square the church bells ring out the song, ‘A Scottish Soldier?’

      2. Sorry to be so late getting back to you – please tell me why. I may not reply until the morning as I am knackered yet will respond.

      3. Your list of names at the end, so bland when listed; so real when you let your mind soak it in makes you quest so profoundly important! Keep the memories alive.

      4. 128 sailors died
        42 were rescued
        85 were made prisoners.

        Someone who wants to read all I posted would be amazed by all that people shared since 2009.

        It boggles the mind.

      5. People in France know how not to forget those who lost their lives during both World War.

      6. Just wish the UK would stay in the EU – if that were certain which sadly it isn’t – we would settle there this very night.

      1. Ideally you should credit the photographer yet even if you don’t so long as you are not making, or intending to make any money out of it I can’t see too much wrong – then again I’m no lawyer!

    1. Cheers Sir – I’d forgotten about this one yet glad you liked it. Poor Marilyn deserved better than this really – still no teeth and mumbling ‘bollocks’ is one way of being remembered.

    1. Oddly I forgotten about this one. Yet reading it once more I rather like it – certainly more than when I wrote it. Thank you for both the comment and also bringing it to my attention – maybe Madonna’s prosthetic lower leg could be a runner – so to speak? Thanks again.

      1. I had never run across it. When I read it in your post, it brought a smile to my face and made my day. Thank you.

      2. More importantly thank you Sir. Old London phrases sit well in skits. One from the East End. How would you interpret an old car dealers phrase when talking about a motor, ‘It’s got four on the floor, a Patrick Moore and a bidet?

      3. I would guess that “four on the floor” refers to a manual, four-speed transmission. As for the rest, you are making up to cause me laugh.

      4. Ah! A ‘Patrick Moore’ what with him (now dead sadly) being the host of a TV show called ‘The Sky at Night’ is a sunroof and a ‘bidet’ is a rear wash wipe! All kosher London car dealer slang from back in the day!

      5. Oddly enough I have been thinking of Donald Trump & his Pet Earwig of late. He looks the sort of chap who might keep an earwig in a matchbox close by at all times…you know, just in case!

      1. So true. My new dentist started doing a root canal, but forwent the needle. I jumped n that chair and kicked the assistant three times. Cruel indeed. When I asked him why he replied,” Well I don’t like giving the needle. Besides, I had my root canal done without one.I felt nothing. ”

        Can he be a hollow man?

      2. A ‘hollow man’…there’s a thing that would have confused Charles Darwin! Following an extraction of a back tooth (I was in such pain I insisted the dentist extract it even though he recommended root canal treatment – I cannot be objective when in pain you see) I awoke to discover I had grown a second head! It seems that the added bonus in the bonce region was an infection (great) and I am now on antibiotics – which means I can’t even enjoy a glass of red of an evening – until I’m back to just the regular single head! My how we suffer!

    1. A silly old sod…invariably pissed (10 pints of Guinness blended with Barley Wine per night – a pleasure using the bathroom each morning after his ablutions I can tell you!) yet he did have the odd saying or two!

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