“Oi, where’s me f**king whelks?  There’s none in me fridge and I’ve phoned down the Kremlin stockroom and the geezer down there says he can’t lay his hands on any because of some embargo or sanctions or whatever. What’s that all about?”

“Well President Putin that is, I’m afraid to say, the case presently. The British government knowing your love of this particular delicacy has put trade sanctions on the sale of the same in retaliation for our activities in what they call the Ukraine. We’ve even called the supplier, George Smiths Whelk Emporium in the Mile End Road and he says he’s mortified yet his hands are tied in this regard. He added that’s its more than his life is worth trying to slip you a few crates on the black market.”

“Bastards, that tosser Cameron knows I like nothing better than a bucket of whelks with me vodka of an evening in front of the telly.  Poor old George though. Back in the day he were me mentor. Do you know the best piece of advice I ever had come from George. We was down the pub one day when he says, ‘Vlad my son, you mate will, I predict, one day be the president of all of Mother Russia and you should always remember when that day comes to do what we do down here in the East End of London and look after your own.’ So what do I do, I look after me very own in Crimea and now this – no f**king whelks. Simply won’t do. How can I get that bastard Cameron back?”

“Well President Putin I have heard on the grapevine that said Cameron has an addiction to Russian hard core pornographic websites – we could ban those?”

“Too bloody true we could. Fix it – the twat won’t be lacing up his boxing gloves for quite a while I can tell you. Nice one. Anything else?”

“Well your friend Roman Abramovich is funding that West London football team, Chelsea if I’m not mistaken. You could always ask him to pull the plug and bankrupt them?”

“Job done! Bloody hypocrite’s the lot of them. I’m thinking of giving ‘chubby boy’ Cameron a bell and asking him if he’d ‘look after his own’ should the Spaniards have a pop at Gibraltar. Same goes for The Falklands and Northern Ireland for that matter. What a toss pot.”

“President Putin more bad news. Cameron has just extended the sanctions to include pork scratchings now. That’s your favourite conference nibble I recall?”

“He’s done what? Right turn the natural gas supply off – I think it’s time we power down London. Right now for the Yanks – talk about two-faced self-interest. Didn’t see a lot of ‘their own’ waving flags of gratitude in Iraq or Afghanistan if I recall right. Didn’t hear, ‘Oh this American enclave of ours living in this wonderful f**king desert is a bit miffed with Sadam pushing his weight around,’ or anything like that did we? Now those were proper imperialist invasions my son. Don’t think Mrs Obama will be getting any additions to her beloved Russian doll collection this Christmas for sure.”



  1. Ah! I really liked this one, Mike! So well imagined. And loved the dialog. I actually think some of the solutions presented here would work. Especially Mrs. Obama not getting to add to her Russian Doll Collection! HA!

  2. As an East Ender born and bred I found the inference that a former KGB strongman is partial to one of our most toothsome area delicacies, hurtful, crass and downright whelkist! You’re off me list for being disgusting and full on!
    Where will it all end? Are we to be treated next to Pol Pot’s love of jellied eels and mash???
    Why I outta! 😦

      1. “Oooooh it’s a jolly ‘oliday wiv Mayweeee” 🙂

        My cockney accent is so pronounced I got called a “lowlife toerag” by Ray Winstone in the bogs at Upton Park! 😦

  3. Hilarious. The American Gov’t has cut off Putin’s Netflix account so he can no longer watch, “Orange Is The New Black” and the American version of “House of Cards.” That’ll learn ’em, eh?

    1. Do you know – controversial until how we see how this thing plays out – yet old Putin is a leader who leads. Just check out 97% of the Crimean’s who voted to be part of Russia once again. Doesn’t sound like much of an invasion to me! Still he’s bolloxed now what with no Netflix or whelks poor bastard.

      1. That’s fascinating. In my opinion, Obama is simply pissed off still about ‘ole Putin puttin’ up Edward Snowden and making Obams look bad. I’ll bet he really, really thought Putin would simply send Snowden back here, and when he didn’t, tempers flared. Very odd, this. Very odd indeed.

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