VLAD THE IMPALER & HIS LUCKY PINEAPPLE – A silly tale of pointless lunacy!



“You haven’t seen me lucky pineapple about the place luv? It’s just that I’ve got a bit of impaling to do today and you know I can’t get in the zone unless I have me pineapple to hand.”

“Oh, I didn’t think it was that important to you so when your life coach, young Svetlana said she was feeling a bit peaky and felt the urgent need for some Vitamin C I said she could take it away to nosh upon. I mean you’ve had it so very long now it’ll be going off.”

“Bloody hell luv don’t you realise that pineapple was the only one in the whole of Europe what with it heralding from warmer southern climes. They don’t grow on trees you know!”

“I think you’ll find they do. Anyway if you rush you might just catch her before the stupid thing is devoured.”

“Good plan – and I might add it’s not ‘stupid’ it’s even got a name.”

“You gave a pineapple a name! Whatever next. What did you call it?”

“I’m not telling now – this little citrus fruit incident has left me quite bereft you know. You’re a cruel woman.”


“Oh Vlad I can’t tell enough how tasty that pineapple was. Orgasmic.”

“Bollocks Svet surely you must remember that at me therapy sessions I’ve told you all about how vital ‘Ethelred the Pineapple’ is – nay was – not just to my general demeanour but to my impaling ventures globally. Why did you have to scoff the fucking thing?”

“Look Vlad you don’t need a crutch. You need to take charge of your own destiny, you know, build up a bit of self-confidence through the power of exercise, meditation, yoga and such like.  We’ve been through this enough times don’t you think?”

“It’s just that it’s so hard letting go. I loved that pineapple I did. Anyway I’ve got more Ottoman’s than you can shake a stick at to impale this afternoon and I don’t know how I’m going to cope.”

“Tell you what, and in the light of what I’ve just said it goes against the grain yet I do have a an Aloe Vera plant cutting I’m more than happy to let you have as a new short term pet until we can talk this thing through in depth at our next session. How does that feel?”

“Well I suppose……..maybe………oh I don’t know.  It doesn’t look like the kind of thing I can take to bed and cuddle like…you know like a comforter sort of thing? Like my fucking pineapple was!”

“Vlad you’ve got a veritable harem of slave girls who are gagging to offer you all the ‘comfort’ you could ever want. What about taking one of them to your bedchamber?”

“Oh yeah – forgot about that. Sounds a plan to me. Genius! Cheers Svet.”




15 thoughts on “VLAD THE IMPALER & HIS LUCKY PINEAPPLE – A silly tale of pointless lunacy!

    1. Well there young lady is a sentence one doesn’t hear that often (especially so as a bloke) – thank you. I shall dine out on this comment for Shirley (my wife) often tells me I have a ‘sick’ brain no less! Then again she is mad as a hatter! Keep well and keep posting. Regards, The Old Fool.

  1. That was great! “They do grow on trees.” Awesome! This is my kinda whackiness, brother! Loved it. BTW, I was reading about Mr. Vlad not too long ago, and I always assumed when he impaled someone they died from it immediately. Not so. Our boy knew how to ram that good ‘ole impalin’ stick through a person’s nether hole and have it come out of their mouth without damaging anything too vital as it passed through their innards. Nice, eh? Took hours to die that way.

    1. So kind of you to compare me with the master of ‘odd.’ In truth these days I feel more like the master of ‘old.’ Regardless, your comment is a ‘gem’ I shall treasure. Also, if you do not think it too forward I have just clicked ‘follow’ on your blog as it looks most interesting. Keep well, The Old Fool.

    1. If Uncle Spike can stumble we’ll sign him up for The Arsenal – any stumbler will do! We are in Mugabe Lock-down as young George calls it as far as media is concerned for the foreseeable!

  2. I’ve just shared this on G+ btw. Although God knows why. It’s not as if you ever talk to me on there is it? In fact…NO ONE DOES!!! GNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!! 😦

    1. What is G+? Never heard of it – although as of Friday night I have now seen that Olly Murs chap on the telly no less. Certainly blessed/cursed with a face the size of dartboard (Eric Bristow’s eyes light up) yet smaller in point of fact than David Walliams methinks.

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