JOAN OF ARC & HER BELOVED HAMSTER!

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“Oh my, if it wasn’t enough being born into a peasant family I now have to face the tedium of being burnt at the stake tomorrow – it’s such a bore.  Of course I have my faith to see me through yet I worry so as to what might happen to my pet hamster Eric. Gaoler do you think you might find it in your heart to provide for Eric – give a good home and all that so he can see out is time in peace and tranquillity?”

“I’d love to Joni yet the little bastard is incontinent insofar as I can tell. Still I’ll ask around for you down the pub and give you the heads up if I can up with anything.”

“Yes it is true he tends to defecate as he pleases. I often doubt he is a Christian hamster shitting thus yet I know his little heart is in the right place.  I’ve tried like billyo to house train him to no avail. Sometimes I wish he was more like the Pope’s hamster named St Anthony – for he is in point of fact the patron saint of these adorable little creatures. St Anthony has I am told an en suite in his cage that he uses religiously. Never mind, Eric is in my eyes quite the cutest little chap.”

WITH THAT THE GAOLER TAKES LUNCH DOWN THE PUB AND TRUE TO HIS WORD DOES ASK AROUND TO SEE IF ANY OF HIS MATES WILL TAKE ON ERIC THE HAMSTER. UPON HIS RETURN HE SEEKS OUT JOAN TO TELL HER HOW HE GOT ON.

“Well Joni good news and bad news. Bad news is that me old Jewish mate Amos said he’d only give Eric a home if he’s circumcised.  I did tell him that was, in my considered opinion, most unlikely but I’d check with you and get back to him.”

“Do you know what gaoler I never given the checking out of Eric’s ‘bits’ a second thought yet think it not the case. Shame, Amos was very considerate to offer.”

“Joni I don’t mind doing a retrospective circumcision meself for I have a handy Stanley knife about me very person – never without it if the truth be told. What do you think?”

“No I think we’ll pass on that one gaoler if you don’t mind. Eric is, for all his toilet habit inadequacies a Christian after all.”

“Right then, now for the good news. Me other drinking chum Abdul said he would look after Eric for certain and, in point of fact, he’s popping in any time now to take a peek at the little chap.”

ABDUL ARRIVES ON THE SCENE

“Abdul this is Joni; Joni, Abdul”

“May I, Abdul of Rouen see your hamster?”

“Pardon? Oh sorry I misunderstood what you meant! As to Eric why of course you can.”

“Do you think Mistress Joan of Arc that Eric might grow up to be a goat?”

“A goat you say – don’t be silly Abdul.”

“Hold up Abdul me old mucker you’ve been pulling me plonker methinks. Do I detect a subliminal sense of kebab or goat stew on the boil here – no doubt over spiced goat stew at that – in your carefully chosen words. I’ve never heard the like of it. You built up poor Joni’s hopes and then let her down. It’s not on mate – piss off!  Sorry about that Joni, if I’d known his plan was eventually to nosh upon poor Eric I would never, not for one second have invited him here.”

“Well you’ve tried your level best on Eric’s behalf gaoler and I thank you from the bottom of my heart. I feel tears welling up inside me…….would you mind giving me a moment?”

“For Christ’s sake don’t cry Joni luv I’ll take Eric on incontinent or not.”

“Oh gaoler what a kind, kind man you are.”

WITH THAT THE GAOLER DEPARTS JOAN’S CELL WITH ERIC SNUGGLED UP IN HIS CAGE FAST ASLEEP AND UNAWARE OF HIS CHANGE IN CIRCUMSTANCES

“What the f**k have I let meself in for!”

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17 thoughts on “JOAN OF ARC & HER BELOVED HAMSTER!

  1. Is it possible that Eric had visions too? That had circumstances been different, he’d freed his species from the clutches of the hamster-keepers? History is always just one sharp turn away from completely different – or so I’ve been told.

  2. I am now curious as to whether the hamster was taken to witness the burning or was it deemed to harmful for his little hamster psyche. Of course the whole spectacle would have made him shit himself but then again it appears that this was a common occurrence and need not be a deterrent in the saying of final farewells.

    1. Ah, thought you’d got me there – what with appalling research levels on these historical matters. You see, not long after I’d started this blogging malarkey I was able to prove beyond doubt the Joni’s demise was not exactly as the history books says. If it is not too presumptuous the link is
      https://mikesteeden.wordpress.com/2013/12/08/prison-guard-sings-bohemian-rhapsody-for-joan-of-arc/
      Best of luck and thank you so much for taking time out to read my drivel!

  3. Oh goodness this is brilliant. I laughed out loud. Poor Eric. Solves a dilemma, though. The Hawaiian girl who lives next door insists Joan had a teacup poodle named Cha-Cha the Mighty, and became upset when I disagreed. Ha! I got her now! Thanks, Mike!

    1. You have a gift for sentences that in the history of mankind are ‘once-offs’ like, ‘The Hawaiian girl who lives next door insists Joan had a teacup poodle named Cha-Cha the Mighty, and became upset when I disagreed.’ Is that true she said that?

      1. No, I made up part of it. But the lady is Hawaiian and has a bunch of poodles. Oddly, my two cats rule her front yard though.

      2. New collective noun – a ‘bunch’ of poodles. Signing off now as I’m still getting over the trauma of my team losing yesterday and a fucked back! Keep posting will catch up in the am.

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