SUPERGIRL’S EARLY MENOPAUSE!

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Ring, ring…….ring, ring…….ring, ring….

“Yeah.”

“Is that Supergirl?”

“Might be; whose calling?”

“This is the President of the United States of America calling from the Oval Office of The White House in Washington DC.”

“Again! Ho hum. Time’s money – spit it out then.”

“We need your help Supergirl. The San Andreas Fault has cracked wide open following a seismic shift of Biblical proportions threatening the lives of millions of citizens of this great nation of ours. We need your assistance urgently Supergirl for you are the only one who can rectify the situation at this time. What I’m looking at here is for you to spin the planet around on its axis a few times thereby turning back time. Thereafter, you can drill yourself into the fault line and bind the tectonic plates back together thus preventing the catastrophe from ever occurring in the first place.”

“Oh is that all? Well you can fuck right off. I’m just not in the mood matey boy.”

SUPERGIRL SLAMS PHONE BACK IN ITS HOLDER MUMBLES TO HERSELF SOMETHING ABOUT SETTLING INTO HER COMFY CHAIR WITH A CUP OF SWEET TEA AND A COPY OF THE JUNE 1982 EDITION OF COSMOPOLITAN MAGAZINE

Ring, ring…….ring, ring…….ring, ring….

“Bollocks.”

“Hello, is Supergirl there please?”

“OK who are you and what do you want?  Be quick about it I haven’t got all day.”

“UN Secretary-General Ban Ki-moon speaking. The thing is Supergirl we have a potential humanitarian crisis on our hands following credible reports of an enormous tsunami heading straight for East Coast of the African continent. I am calling you personally to plead for instant help before a tragedy unfolds. Will you assist Supergirl? You are our only chance.”

“The short answer? No, I simply can’t be arsed. Good-bye.”

SLAMS PHONE DOWN ONCE MORE. JUST ABOUT TO TAKE A SIP OF TEA

Knock, knock……knock

“I don’t believe this. Is there no such thing as peace?”

“Supergirl, Supergirl its little Millie the small child from next door and I are sorry to be shouting through your letterbox but I don’t know what to do as my pet dog has been run over by a steam-roller and is quite dead and now shaped in the style of a Persian rug. Help me, oh please help.”

“Look kid I’m in the middle of reading an engrossing and all-consuming Cosmo article about how to perfect the art of making the man in my life feel eternally inadequate and now you’ve interrupted me. Also, I recall that only last week on two occasions I brought that mutt of yours back to life following similar road traffic accidents so its third time ‘unlucky’ kido. Bugger off.”

“Please Supergirl, pity please.”

“For crying out loud – this is the very last time though, understand? I really don’t need this.”

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22 thoughts on “SUPERGIRL’S EARLY MENOPAUSE!

      1. Hormone Replacement Therapy – although since she is super why the hell isn’t she the queen of somewhere after all what could anyone really do to stop her.

      1. Sadly George takes after me – took me 25 years to get the ‘two nun’s in a bath joke.’ And when I did get it I was so very disappointed because it wasn’t funny at all!!

  1. enjoyed it as always – keeping in mind that some of us over here wouldn’t shed a tear if the USA left coast disappeared – I’m puzzling over the significance of 1982

    1. 1982 – the year it all went wrong with my first wife who was an avid reader of the Cosmopolitan magazine that inevitably always covered ‘anti’ men articles! Odd how each of us view the respective lands we leave in for I always get the metaphorical nose bleed on the occasions I have to travel north of the Thames toward the frozen north!

  2. Oh! That’s caused by menopause? Gosh, it explains a lot. What’s a fella to do when the woman in his life gets on like that? A trip to Patagonia?

    What’s the world to do when superheroines get on like that? Is there a risk of them getting too cranky? I mean, the whole world can’t hide in Patagonia.

      1. Oh lord me too. I think my ex started a month after we got married. That’s why she’s the ex. Only took me five years to learn. Yeesh.

  3. This piece came as advertised (as in: you weren’t kidding when you said it was going to be silly;))…very great read, though…Your work is getting better and better (and it started out very good I might add)…I’m actually siding with Superwoman on this one. I can’t imagine a superhero ever having the time off, constantly being buggered by people who are inept at dealing with their own problems…I’d say let her be and let her enjoy her Cosmo!

    1. I agree with you entirely – apart from the Cosmo bit which I thought insofar as first wife was concerned had me backed up in a corner from the day she first purchased a copy!

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