‘THE ELASTIC SNAPPED’ by Agaurther Christie – consummate drivel!

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Hercule Poirot: “Right you toe rags, got you all in the same room for once. I know you all really don’t want to be here yet given I am now certain of which one of you killed ‘Harry the Bomb Thrower’s’ old mum so as to get your slimy mits on the family collection of discarded, sometimes rusty, live ammunition gathered from the battlefield of The Somme using only a basic Argos metal detector I feel I have to bore those of you who are innocent of the crime shitless going on and fucking on about who did it and who couldn’t have done it, save for the actual perpetrator who will be shitting bricks presently so let me start – once I have regained my breath following an unnecessarily long sentence what I have just uttered.  OK then we will start with you Harry.” 

Harry the Bomb Thrower: “Do what? You can’t for one moment believe that I would harm me dear old mum? Why I’ll have your guts for garters. Anyway I was out bomb throwing the day she was horribly murdered – well I say that yet in truth I was using live hand grenades as it happens. Always liked a bit of variety to spice things up on the explosives front I do.  Anyway, ask ‘Eric the Bilge Bucket’ should you not believe me for ‘twas his very bucket I had filled with said grenades.” 

Eric the Bilge Bucket: “I can Mr….er…..er….Pie Rot or whatever you’re called; I can confirm that Harry was in my company at the time.  We were lobbing the said explosive devices at ‘Alphonse the Graffiti Artist’ ‘cause we think he’s a tosser.” 

Poirot: “Knew that already. Right what about you then ‘Stanley the Vicar?” 

Stanley the Vicar: “No mate you can cross me off your list for I was having a jolly sing song with one of me parishioners down the church at the time of the crime.  Amazing Grace if you must know. She’ll back up me story – bit of a goer mind. You might need a chaperone with that one if you get me drift….nod, nod, wink, wink.” 

Poirot: “Good enough for me Vic. So then that leaves just the two of you. ‘John the Basildon Nutter’ what have you got to say for yourself?” 

John the Basildon Nutter: “Couldn’t ‘ave been me for I was round the clinic with electrodes attached to me cranium having a bit of electric shock treatment to keep me nutter levels up when poor old Harry’s mum was snuffed out.” 

Poirot: “I can tell by your constant body spasms indicating such a recent course of treatment that you’re not lying and are therefore in the clear. So then that just leaves you then ‘Veronica the Wayward Harlot’ does it not?” 

Veronica the Wayward Harlot: “No guvnor not me who severed Harry’s mum’s noodle using only a nail file and a pair of tweezers and thereafter recycling it in the fish pond at the bottom of the garden having first placed it in a sand laden bin liner. No I was out working the Mile End Road at the time – there’s at least two dozen punters who’ll back me up if they know what’s good for them.” 

Poirot: “Ah ha Veronica how is it then that you know exactly the means by way of which the murder was accomplished for I have not made that common knowledge? Gotcha there my girl! And furthermore at the scene of the crime there were a pair of pink ladies knickers whose elastic had snapped in the struggle with the old lady which I surmise you, as they fell to the floor, simply stepped out of thus enabling you to make a swift getaway.” 

Veronica the Wayward Harlot: “No I never just stepped out of ‘em indeed I was wondering where those knickers had gone. Had it in me mind my regular client ‘David the Sniffer’ had nicked ‘em. Well you live and learn. Whoops I shouldn’t ‘ave said that should I?” 

Poirot: “Right Chief Inspector Japp you can come in now and cuff Veronica the Wayward Harlot for she carried out this most heinous of crimes.” 

Veronica the Wayward Harlot: “Did you say ‘cuff’ – crikey I’m up for that what with me being wayward and all!”

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12 thoughts on “‘THE ELASTIC SNAPPED’ by Agaurther Christie – consummate drivel!

      1. Oh yes, growing up we had a kid with a flat-top haircut we called Meatloaf because of his head shape, also Gumby, the Goose, Beagle Face, Frog, and other, more humbling monikers.

  1. The title alone was worth this post (and in fairness, I never read anything from Agatha Christie)…something tells me Harry the Bomb Thrower is one of your creations, not hers;)

    1. Harry the Bomb Thrower did exist in London’s Dockland area before WW2 believe it or not. As did Hooky Tom. Hooky Tom was famous (true I told) for consuming a pound of lard and a woolly jumper – bit of a party trick apparently. Poor chap died when chancing his luck with Kashmir.

      1. Really, I never would have guessed someone (nick)named Harry the Bomb Thrower would actually exist…Thanks for teaching me a bit more about Britain;)

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