“Del you’re nicked sonny boy. What one earth did you think you were doing trying to go joy riding on a ski lift on Esher’s pride and joy, namely the Sandown Dry Ski Slope?  Now, what with the bloody thing being jammed you’re stuck up there – twat.”

“Sorry Constable couldn’t help meself. Just wanted a little ride about maybe nick it or dump it in a side street…whatever….you know when I’d finished like. Anyway its fucking cold up here can you help me down?”

“Can I help you down? You’ve got to be having a laugh you’re 100 feet up hence I’m using a megaphone to protect the fluidity of my vocal chords whilst conversing with you and remaining compliant with current Health & Safety regulations for serving police officers.  Anyway, you’ve got more chance of getting a wank off the Queen my son than you have of me affording you any assistance. You can wait until the fire brigade arrives.”

“Yeah, but I’ve only got a t-shirt on (and me trousers of course) and night is drawing in. I feel a chill about me person.”

“Tough luck – twatto. And how comes you keep trying to nick things that are affixed to tracks, tramlines or as in this case ‘cables’ surely you must know that you can’t just ride or drive off them?”

“Don’t know Constable – the urge just comes upon me.”

“Look Del I nicked you last week for stealing a steam locomotive from the ten mile track at the nostalgic railway and transport attraction of Victorian splendour from a bygone age that is the beautifully restored Kent & East Sussex Railway in Benenden. How on God’s earth did you imagine you could drive the bloody train round to your girlfriend Mavis’ flat miles away in Thornton Heath?”

“I thought the track would run out and I could simply head north toward the motorway homeward bound.”

“Buffers Del, buffers. Even you must know that at the end of the line there are buffers. I really don’t believe anyone can be that stupid. And I might add, only the week before you tried to steal a tram from the Oldham and Rochdale Metrolink. Disaster or what. On this occasion you plotted up with some flair for once in your miserable little life waiting until the driver popped off for an urgent pee then painstakingly researching on Google using only your IPhone 5 – which I’d lay odds was purloined somewhere along the way – for a driver’s instruction manual you headed off to the lines end without realising that’s where the thing cuts off automatically. And there’s you moaning on and on about how you wanted to drive it up to Lake Windermere and dump it there. Beggar’s belief it really does.”

“Oh I just thought……I don’t know what I thought if the truth be told. And the IPhone 5 I paid for out of me own pocket as I’ve never felt compelled to half-inch readily moveable articles of ostentation.”

“What next Del, what next? I mean you’ll get at least 10 hours community service and possibly even suffer the indignity of a tagging for your crimes against society yet still I wonder about you Del. What next?”

“Tell the truth the overhead, masterpiece of human ingenuity that is the Docklands Light Railway does have a certain appeal. I was thinking I might drive it to Brighton; have a bit of a jolly then dump it off the end of the pier.”

“Fuck me is there any hope!”

“I ain’t half chilly now Constable.”

For more utter drivel of a similarly appalling standard please visit

Also, there is a ‘like’ button at the bottom of this page for the Soz Satire Facebook page – the virtual reality ‘Stately Home of Lunacy’ and a place where the drivelling’s of many a nutter are stored within its magnificent Gothic library!  Feel free to take a visit – and do remember as Charles Dickens himself once said, “Every time you ‘like’ this page a London child is extracted from a chimney. Honest!”



  1. I saw this on the Soz FB page and couldn’t decide if it was yours or Hoadley’s. I’m going to have to ask you boys to start using bylines! 😉
    Great stuff Mike and thanks again for the reblog earlier. Did you lose any followers yet? 😉

  2. OMG so funny, the first thing I thought was “Doesn’t Mike know we always make fun of British Teeth?” Lord you pull one right into this insanity we call life. “Fuck me is there any hope!” Oh, how often that line has rambled through my mind.

      1. Oddly and coincidentally I just this minute put my back out over doing it on a cross trainer whereon….wait for it….the news of my problematic spine reached the wife and she just called me, ‘twatto.’

  3. “you’ve got more chance of getting a wank off the Queen”…somehow I would like having those odds;)
    Also, I was surprised to learn Derek had a girlfriend…Makes me wonder what kind of a woman would settle for that, obviously someone who ‘jumped the track’ one too many times;)

    1. I’ve been look for an occasion to get the ‘Queen’ line in for an age and eventually found it. Londoners do have a way of thinking up phrases for the near impossible.

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