“I say Carruthers the Headmaster will be upon us shortly.”

“Will he by Jove!”

“No not like that; he has refrained in ‘that’ regard since the meeting of the school governors. What I meant was the old boy will be visiting our form to judge who amongst us has produced the very best end of term project. The award for the victor is, I hasten to add an, ‘all you can scoff voucher’ for the tuck shop no less!  I see that that swat Twatersley-Fromage has made an Afghan hound out of wire coat-hangers and papier-mâché. Mind you it doesn’t look much like a hound in my book – more like the school nurse if you ask me, ugly old boot that she is.  Anyway for my part I have constructed a replica of Field Marshall Bernard Montgomery of Alamein using only cheese and onion flavoured crisps and plastic cement. Gosh and golly Carruthers what have you got there?”

“Well I was thumbing through The Beano only just this morning over my bacon butty and spotted an interesting feature regarding the construction of all manner of things using the science of miniature robotics and look see I have made this frightfully authentic reconstruction of our planet Earth at the dawn of time. Here chum, look closely and you will note it even has its very own Garden of Eden with Adam and Eve and everything. Of course being its creator I am now a tad omnipotent.”

“Wizzo for you! Crikey looking closely I spot that Adam and Eve have no clothes at all. Do you not think that a little naughty? I mean Miss Hatchett the art mistress would I think be most offended should she cop an idle glimpse.”

“Dawn of time old chap – like I told you. All is still prim and proper in my world; just like the padre said it should be in ours. The nakedness is innocent you see; just as the Good Book would have it.”

“Mind you if you peek ever so closely you can spot Adam and Eve rumping away like billy-o. Good wheeze that it is I cannot see the old boy taking too kindly to what in point of fact is little short of the type of pornography the common ruffians of Olde London town care for so very much.”

“Crumbs they were not meant to do that – I really had not planned for this eventuality. And there was me thinking that the scoff prize from the tuck shop was all mine. Oh I was so looking forward to filling my face with gobstoppers.”

“Well can you not pull the pair apart – have a quick word in their respective lugs or something. Although you should not tarry for I hear the click of the headmasters heels even as I talk. I reckon you’ll be fagging for that awful sadist Bannister-Smithereens next term my friend.”

“Bollocks no less!”


14 thoughts on “SCHOOLBOY CARRUTHERS END OF TERM PROJECT – A tale of lunacy!

  1. Like your poems, these Carruthers adventures keep getting better…a bit more subtle each time I think;)
    Btw, I tried commenting on your earlier posts this week, but WordPress wouldn’t let me…Just wanted to say you were, as always, on top of your game, especially with the Ann Boleyn piece!

      1. All is well indeed, as I hope is the case with you…Must say it can be a bit tiring showing my dad and his wife around the country, but it’s nice to have them over and to get to see parts of the place I live I probably wouldn’t have seen had it not been for having tourists over;)

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