EVANGELICAL PASTOR ‘CHAS T T BELT’S’ SEX SERMON TO THE YOUNG LADIES OF ESSEX!

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Pastor Chas T T Belt: “And I say unto you obviously virginal young ladies of Chadwell Heath in the county of all things cultural, namely that which is known as Essex that as time unfolds you will all, I feel certain, meet the man of your dreams and you will marry that man of your dreams and make to him, the man of your dreams the wedding vow to love, honour and obey the man of your dreams in God’s house and under the very eyes of God. It is then that both you and the man of your dreams will be enjoined as husband and wife.

Yet when you and the man of your dreams are husband and wife do not be deceived into thinking that God frowns upon sexual intercourse in part or at all.  For as the good book says in the – some would say – rather risqué Song of Solomon 4:3 ‘Thy lips are like a thread of scarlet, and thy talk is comely: thy temples are within thy locks as a piece of a pomegranate.’ And by those very words both you and the man of your dreams can take it that you can caress each other from here to kingdom come whenever you so like for the good book condones, nay rhapsodizes the exchange of oral bodily fluids twixt both you and the man of your dreams through contact with each other’s lips and mouth as often as you care to take Him up on his offer.

Furthermore, there is even another passage in Song of Solomon 4:16 that includes coming into the garden and eating the pleasant fruit, which has been interpreted by some Biblical scholars and I count myself as one of those very scholars, as a reference to oral intimacy for 4:16 doth say ‘Arise, O north, and come O south, and blow on my garden that the spices thereof may flow out: let my well beloved come to his garden, and eat his pleasant fruit.’ I feel I need not interpret the metaphor beyond saying that both you and the man of your dreams can have more oral intercourse than you can shake the walking stick of Moses himself at whenever you so please.

With that I shall end my sermon yet rest assured and be in no doubt that God condones having congress in whichever way, shape or form suits the specific desires of both you and the man of your dreams.”

A LITTLE LATER DOWN THE PUB;

Sharon: “Wot was ‘e on about Trace? Sounded all bollocks to me if you know what I mean.”

Tracey: “Fucked if I know really Shar but I fink e’s saying it’s OK to ‘go down’ on Wayne and Raj like whenever you want – or somefink like that anyway.”

Sharon: “Oh that’s nice ‘cause I’d planned too anyhows.”

Tracey: “Yeah really nice.”

Sharon: “Nice.”

 

For more utter drivel of a similarly appalling standard visit http://sozsatire.wix.com/soz-satire

where you will find the ANNIVERSARY ISSUE of the SOZSATIRE ONLINE MAGAZINE a publication of consummate drivel. 

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