“My, what have you there Leonardo?”

“Oh this pater? In short it is a flamethrower that I have just invented. I take the view that it may not just speed up the process of cooking yet will I believe come in most useful in times of war. In point of fact as soon as the idea for construction of this brainchild of a contraption struck me I put both the project of manned flight and I might add my idea for a hamster’s treadmill on the back burner. Mind you the concept of a microwaveable apparatus is formulating in my mind even as I speak.”

“The thing is Leonardo is that by the looks of it it has the appearance of a thing that might just be a tad safer in the hands of an adult.”

“Well pater, that is exactly what mater said earlier whilst you were about your duties in town. Unfortunately when testing the flamethrower I took out her herbaceous borders and she was none too pleased I can tell you.”

“And where is mater now?”

“Ah, mater is quite safe I believe, for in order to calm her I made her a cup of another of my new ideas, namely a holistic infusion of Senokot herbal tea. In truth I may have fortified her vessel with a pinch too much Senna for, presently she sits in the lavvy with the door shut muttering, ‘God help me.’ Do hope mater pulls through.”

“Leonardo, in which of our multiplicity of lavvy’s is mater sat?”

“Oh one of the outside ones – indeed that very one by the gazebo there.”

“What the one you are pointing your flamethrower at?”

“Yes that one – whoops. Oh dear a combination of flame I accidentally threw her way and mater’s gaseous bottom emissions have proven to be the end of her. Hell of an explosion though! Still I have had an idea buzzing about in my head for some little time now around for a new-fangled reincarnation device. Best get to work then pater. Catch up with you over tiffin.”

For more utter drivel of a similarly appalling standard visit

where you will find the ANNIVERSARY ISSUE of the SOZSATIRE ONLINE MAGAZINE a publication of consummate drivel.



  1. You know you’re good at comedy if you can make toilet humor work! And this works…well, not so much for mater, but I was definitely having a good time reading about her rather tragic yet funny fate;)

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