CARRUTHERS (pictured above) GETS MORE THAN HE BARGAINED FOR WHEN VISITING TED SPONGE ‘THE PUDDING BASIN BARBER’ OF STEPNEY!

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“I say Carruthers this looks to be a suitable barbers shop in which we might just both get a trim before popping off to the club to quench our respective raging thirsts methinks?” 

“True, certainly from the outside it has the demeanour of professionalism about it. I do believe we should give it a try – especially so as our usual haircutting chappie Norris ‘King of the Cut’ Perkins was stabbed in the back by some Russian ruffian using an umbrella with a poisoned tip. Died in an instance of course.” 

DOOR CREAK….DING-A-LING……CARRUTHERS & CHUM ENTER ESTABLISHMENT 

“Good morrow gentleman. Let me introduce myself, Ted Sponge at your service and what can I do for you both today?” 

“Oh just a tidy up is all we are seeking – must keep up appearances and all that what with us being top Foreign Office officials.” 

“The ‘usual’ you say. You’ve not frequented my establishment before have you? You see I’ve only got the one ‘usual.’ So I’m hoping you’ll be comfortable with that?” 

“Mr Sponge I feel sure that we will be more than satisfied with your ‘usual.’ Shall you go first Carruthers?” 

“Don’t mind if I do.” 

CARRUTHERS TAKES HIS SEAT 

“Right Sir if you don’t mind I’ll just place this enamelled pudding basin about your noodle and commence the trim – I’m guessing you don’t want too much off the sides. Anyway where are you holidaying this year?  My own wife, Satisfactia is her name, is a Goa girl by nature.” 

“A ‘goer’ you say Sponge. Well that is a bit personal given we’ve only just met yet each to our own in my book. In what way is she a ‘goer’ if I may be so bold to ask?” 

“Well she particularly likes any old dish they place in front of her. The pork especially. She likes nothing better than getting her mouth around a bit of prime pork I can tell you from first-hand experience. Especially so in Goa for the Portuguese influences there afford a fine fusion of west meets east in her book.” 

“Crumbs Sponge you wife is plainly not backward in coming forward is she.” 

SNIP, SNIP…….SNIPPETY, SNIP, SNIP………. 

“There Sir, job done. Would you care to take a peek in the mirror? I’ll just remove the pudding basin.  How’s that then Sir?” 

“My God man what the bleddy hell have you done to me. I look like a…….oh, really I look like a cross between an idiot and a common ruffian and there’s me with a meeting with the PM this very afternoon. He will think I’ve lost leave of my senses and will very likely tell me to fuck orf no less!” 

“Well you said you’d be happy with my usual. My usual – indeed the only haircut I offer is the ‘pudding basin.’ It is a much fabled cut in these parts I can tell.” 

“I say Carruthers I really don’t think they’ll let you in the club looking as you do old chap. You have the appearance of a lunatic about you……….mind you I am struggling to fight orf the belly laugh that builds about my very person presently.” 

GUFFAW, GUFFAW, GUFFAW…..GUFFAW 

“Bollocks, bollocks and thrice bollocks.” 

“Best go to the public bar at The Nag’s Head Carruthers for I really do not think we will be allowed in at any other establishment.” 

For previous Ted Sponge escapades try;

https://mikesteeden.wordpress.com/2014/04/16/ted-sponge-the-pudding-basin-barber-of-stepney/ 

For what it may be worth we have more lunacy at the Soz Satire collaboration;

http://leagueofmentalmen.wordpress.com/ 

As well as an online magazine at;

http://sozsatire.wix.com/soz-satire

 

 

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12 thoughts on “CARRUTHERS (pictured above) GETS MORE THAN HE BARGAINED FOR WHEN VISITING TED SPONGE ‘THE PUDDING BASIN BARBER’ OF STEPNEY!

    1. Back in my meat eating days I used to make a superb (even if I do say so myself) Goan Pork Curry with citrus fruit. Pork being rarely eaten on the sub-continent this was an authentic dish invented by the Portuguese who ran the place back in the day!

    1. Cheers Sir – trying to find your post on the League of Mental Men but the link doesn’t seem to be working. I’m guessing we may have the cancel and follow again unless you’ve got a better plan!

  1. Poor Carruthers! Doesn’t he realize every time the barber puts a bowl on his head, he will end up looking like a dork? I think Norris Perkins was probably offed for giving that same cut. I think more than a nip will be in order for Carruthers after he beats Ted to a bloody pulp. Great post! 😀

  2. Wow, we finally get to see what Carruthers looks like…Perhaps he should have a go with the Kim Jong Un haircut? That seems to be all the rage these days;)
    Great read!

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