CARRUTHERS’ TIME TRAVELLING MACHINE!

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“I say Carruthers jolly good of you to invite me over to your Surrey mansion hideaway for the weekend. Fine place you have here old chap. Acres I’d say.”

“True my friend. The pain has afflicted me thus ever since the stallion Gerald back heeled me in the cobblers in fact.”

“No I meant acres and acres of glorious countryside. Stunning views over the North Downs and all that. Mind you that great big cardboard box on the patio rather blights the Georgian architecture of your magnificent pad somewhat. Can you not get a servant type to remove it from eye line?”

“In point of fact that is not just any old cardboard box. I’ll have you know that it is a time travelling machine left to me in Uncle Albert’s Will no less.”

“By Jove is it – was that Uncle Albert who was very good at sums and things? Made quite a name for himself if I recall correctly.”

“Yes that was he. In fact I am minded to give it a bit of a go. Want to watch. I mean this time travelling malarkey is simple I understand for I can be off travelling back in time; spend a few days wherever and be back here and only a couple of seconds will have elapsed. You won’t really notice I’ve been gone.”

“Fascinating – I should give it a go old bean.”

CARRUTHERS CLIMBS INTO THE TIME TRAVELLING MACHINE

“Gosh I thought that there would be buttons and steering wheels and things yet the inside of the time travelling machine is a smooth as a babies bum. I mean anyone would think that it is just a box. Good thing I know better – what, what. Blige what’s happening here – tad on the scary side if you ask me………………………..Lord help me I am orf into the ether………whatever next?”

THUMP, OUCH………….A NANO SECOND LATER CARRUTHERS FINDS HIMSELF IN THE PENTHOUSE SUITE OF ROOMS IN THE SUMPTUOUS HOTEL NORMANDY – THE YEAR IS 1924

“Can’t think what happened there. Bleddy hell this copy of Le Monde is dated 18th. April 1924 just 9 months prior to my very birth. And I think I am right in saying to myself that mater did once advise me that it was here, in this very penthouse that I was conceived. And I do detect the very sounds of carnal delight from the master bedroom. Must be mater and pater at it I’d say! Yet according to this note upon the drawing room table here pater says he is off to the casino and will not be returning until the early hours. Perhaps the noises emanating from the bedroom are just mater dreaming or such like. Best I take a peek to make sure all is well with the old gal.”

CARRUTHERS CREEPS ACROSS THE CARPET AND EVER SO GENTLY PULLS THE BEDROOM DOOR AJAR ONLY TO FIND!!!!!!!!!!!!

“Good Lord. Whilst I really ought to avert my gaze for I see mater is going hammer and tongs at it with some great big suntanned brute of a Frenchie who I detect is whispering romantic Frenchie things in her ear whilst going about all matters carnal with surprising vigour……………..Oh I see now this is my very conception happening before my very eyes. I have always wondered why I stand 6 foot plus and pater was always a wizened little pasty fellow of just 5 foot. This answers a lot of questions no less – however it does mean I am……….surely I cannot be……..I am a bastard son. This would be the end of me if the Foreign Office ever get wind. I’ll be frog marched orf the premises. Best beat a hasty retreat back to Surrey.”

CARRUTHERS RETURNS TO THE PATIO OF HIS SURREY MANSION WITH A BIT OF A BUMP

“I say Carruthers you’re a bit of a bastard you know.”

“In both senses of the word it seems.”

“Both senses?”

“It matters not and why do you name me thus?”

“Well you buggered orf without leaving me a snorter to sip upon. I have a thirst you could photograph if the truth be told. A stiff one should do the trick.”

“A stiff one you say? Could have been maters very words! Anyway I was able to pick up this fine bottle of Calvados on my time travels. Shall we share it?”

“Bleddy good plan. Was time travelling a sound experience?”

“So, so.”

Did you enjoy that?…No? Well try this mag then. It’s similar but there’s some music in it. Miserable sods!

 http://sozsatire.wix.com/soz-satire

 

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10 thoughts on “CARRUTHERS’ TIME TRAVELLING MACHINE!

  1. LMAO! Good thing Carruthers didn’t disturb his mater…could have cleanly disappeared…poof! Can I get one of those boxes? I have some time to catch up on. 😀

  2. Uncle Albert? Guess we know where all the brain cells in that family went!
    Brilliant, possibly the best Carruthers post so far…I had often wondered if perhaps there would come an explanation of sorts on how Carruthers seems to be present at every historical event Britain ever went through (not that it needed explaining, the character is timeless enough)…but I guess uncle Einstein’s time machine (and in particular the way Carruthers messes around with it) fill up any plot hole in the time consistency category. Well done, uncle Albert!
    Great read, very funny…loved the little wordplays and the way Carutthers deals with his very shocking past;)

    1. To be a bastard in the British Upper Class was/still is a curse other nations will probably never understand. Still Carruthers gets away with it – for the moment!

  3. LOL! Very funny indeed! That poor bastard Carruthers can’t catch a break, can he? First his Moe-do and now this. Perhaps if he travels again back to the date of his birth, he might find that was was twins – but his brother was given to the Frenchie who was of royal blood, no less, and ended up with his heart’s desire, gobs of money and wealth, beautiful and naked maidens at his service, and of course, good hair. Great post! 😀 {But then, you already knew that, didn’t you?}

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