“I say Carruthers awful business about your wife – losing her bikini bottoms in such a dreadful way. What a carry on!”

“Certainly was old chum – certainly was. I mean I told the silly girl ‘red’ was a bad choice for soaking up the sun’s rays whilst sat comfortably in a deck chair engrossed in a Jane Austin in a field in such close proximity to Eric the farmer chappies prize bull.”

“Well from the little I’ve heard from the fellows down at the club it does seem a strange state of affairs what with there being a barbed wire electrically charged fence twixt your missus and said raging bull. How on earth did she come to lose them in such a manner?”

“I blame it on the wasp.”

“Wasp you say – how so?”

“Well there was Deidre ensconced thus with not a care in the world reading away like a good un under a cloudless sky when a wasp – she has a phobia about these wee beasties I can tell you – landed upon the tip of her nose causing her to swish it away with her sunglasses. However in doing so it seems the wasp, now in a state a frenzied anger took it upon himself to render a sting in the central cleavage zone of her very person.”

“Deary me Carruthers how simply gruesome.”

“Oh it gets much, much worse.   You see Deirdre now in a state of abject panic threw her Jane Austin skyward with the intent of escaping the clutches of this fearsome little brute of an insect of the order Hymenoptera and suborder Apocrita that is neither a bee nor an ant. Anyway, the thing is the book landed in the very field where the bull was in residence no less.”

“I’m getting the picture now.”

“What followed was a combination of a foolish decision followed by hasty action. You see so keen was Deidre to retrieve said Austin novel she quite forgot about the bull – I think he is named Cedric or such like. Lithe girl that she is she jumped the fence into the adjoining field and was successful in recovering her read. It was only then that she spotted the rampant, snorting beast heading her way at a rate of knots. Now in a state of blind panic she made a hash of the return leap back toward the sanctuary and safety of our field. Her bikini bottoms snagged in the barbed wire, and then the effects of mild electrocution caused her an unplanned additional leap into the unknown whereon the bikini bottoms were no longer affixed to her very person! Even worse, although she was now secured on the safe side her crucial item of clothing laid atop of a pile of bull shit the other side.”

“God, you are telling me her modesty was no longer intact.”

“Too true my friend and matters got worse when The Aberystwyth Male Voice Choir stopped by for a practice sing song whilst on their way to the Fairfield Halls in Croydon where they were to concert that very evening. And do you know what? All these Welsh ruffians just looked and laughed at poor wretched Deidre, now I might add in a state of some distress. I mean one of them could at least have provided for her a Welsh flag in order that she could cover herself up.”

“Blige – mind you I’ve never much taken to the Welsh. How on earth did she get back to mansion then?”

“With some difficulty I can tell you.  With the aid of a hastily prepared if not ideal pair of knickers made in the rustic style from scavenged gorse she took to the back lane behind the house and eventually made it the 6 miles home entering, when she finally got there via the servants quarters when old Mrs Gubbins our housekeeper made her a comforting cup of Horlicks before putting her to bed to recover from trauma of the event.”

“Well all’s well that ends well I say.”

“Not quite finished yet old chap. You see throughout this whole episode it seems a bestial boy scout was hidden in the long grass armed with his IPhone and he had been snapping away like Billy O taking snaps of Deirdre’s plight throughout. The boy thereafter posted the snaps on the internet thing and they have, I understand gone viral!”

“What you mean just about anyone and everyone has copped a gander at your wife’s rear end online?”

“That’s about the strength of it. I am ever so worried the tabloids will publish and the PM will find out. The Foreign Office has been my life you know yet I feel I should fall on my own sword before he sacks me – the British way and all that. Scandal is scandal after all even if it was unintended in the first instance.”

“Best go down the pub for our snifter rather than club today methinks.”







  1. Hysterical! And you mentioned the Boy Scouts, wherein I learned not to pee on electric fences! We also used to grab each other by the balls then grab the electric fence so the electricity would pass through and shock the nut-grabbed lad. Ah, the memories of Boy Scouts. Pelting other troops tents with cow shit and the like.

    1. Well that certainly beats the British kids seeing who could piss the highest up a wall by a country mile! Mind you back in day I don’t think the UK had that many wired fences.

      1. Perhaps out in the rural areas, where I lived. Friends of mine caught a guy pouring it to a cow once, standing on a milk stool. Nicknamed him after the cow.

      2. I lived in a place once where a chap – reported in the local paper they say – once did it with a pig! Spent his life as a barman known as Oink. Whenever anyone order up Smokey Bacon Crisps (maybe chips where you herald from) people would ask him if he minded serving up his relatives – and other such jokes. The excuse was the he was brought up on a pig farm! Odd he stayed in town and didn’t move far, far away really!

  2. 1. Great story! Two thumbs, way up. 😀
    2. I wouldn’t think Carruthers would be able to get a wife at all, much less one that anyone would want to see with her knickers down. With that Moe-cut he sports, he’d be lucky to get a double-bagger.
    3. What’s up with you and women losing their underpants today? Is there a theme across the pond that we don’t know about? I’m gonna go on outside bottomless and see if it’s going on over here, too. If I don’t get arrested, I’ll come back and let you know what happens.

    1. Very good point. The thing is the Floss (her actual name was Janice which I found verse unfriendly) is 100% true. As to Deidre Carruthers there is an element of truth in that story from an age ago yet had I put exact names and events in Shirley would kill me! Maybe she will still should she read this.

      1. Note to Shirley: Please don’t kill Mike. He’s a funny guy and we’d all miss him here. 🙂

        I think you’re right, it would be very difficult to rhyme Janice. It’s probably better that you don’t identify the poor girl. As for the real Mrs. Carruthers, I hope the real husband doesn’t actually have that awful hair. You had a very creative day today. I’m glad the zoo experience didn’t deplete you for the week. 😀

      2. Cheers – if the truth be told Shirley is much, much wittier (and better read) than me. Quite insane, charming and occasionally violent! I just hope the old ‘block’ doesn’t come back to haunt. By the way your posts which come up properly on my reader do not come up (even though we are following you) on The League of Mental Men. I have had to access them by copying and pasting your WordPress address in so if we miss the odd one on LOMM it is not for want of trying! Don’t think we have just yet though.

      3. I wondered about that because LOMM doesn’t reply nearly as often as you do here. I wondered if you ran that or if all of you have administrative access. It’s really a fun site to read, as is the FB page.

      4. No I don’t run it – the three of us post i.e. Clive, Gary and yours truly. Anarchy prevails but must learn to catch up on comments on the stuff I write. I using two different laptops which doesn’t help as I couldn’t cope with having to remember boring log in details for each blog. I was talking about your wit and banter with Shirley and thought – if you don’t mind – we send you a Facebook request. Fully understand if you ignore it though!

      5. Right then that’s Facebook sorted – thank you. I will get Shirley to send you a request. She is Shirley Blamey by the way as I told her many years back she is not worthy of my surname! If the truth be told we ran a PI business for years and it looked better on our notepaper if the partners had different names we thought.

  3. “What followed was a combination of a foolish decision followed by hasty action.”…leave it to the British to spread the word ‘panic’ out over a complete sentence;)
    Great post as was expected the moment I saw it was another Carruthers chapter…I like the addition of a Mrs. Carruthers. Are she and Floss the same person somehow, or am I just reaching for depth here?;)

    1. I like your observation re ‘panic’ and the British way of explaining it rather than just saying it. That is so true. Also, I couldn’t share your post yesterday from my Facebook page as some message came up saying something about it not being possible. Probably some problem with Facebook – I’ll let you know if it happens again.

      1. Well, every share is appreciated, but as usual: don’t feel like you have to, even though I am of course an insanely good writer and everything I put out is nothing short of superb (see what all your compliments are doing to my ego!?)

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