DEREK THE EARWIG AND HIS TROUBLESOME NOSTRIL HAIRS

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“You OK there Del? You look a bit flustered mate.” 

“Oh it’s these fucking nostril hairs Ant my friend.  Bloody things are seriously affecting my sensory skills I can tell you. I mean I’ve checked about and there seems to be no such thing as an earwig nostril hair trimmer on the market – not even in Poundland! Can you believe it?” 

“Well if it’s buggering you about that much I could I suppose try a few snips of me mandibles. Might just do the trick – you never know.” 

“Not sure about that Anty boy.  Wasn’t it you who accidentally snipped of me Uncle Arthur’s head in similar circumstances a few years back?” 

“Can’t deny it mate but if the truth be told your Uncle Arthur was suffering from the latter stages of Earwigsons at the time. The pity of it was that the poor old bastard had a major spasm of the shakes just as I went for the first, and may I say, quite the longest nostril hair I’ve ever seen about an earwig’s snotter.” 

“Still you did fuck up – accepting of course that it was in no way intentional on your part.” 

“Yeah true enough. Tell you what I’ll stand on that long one – the one that’s poking out further than a butterfly’s knob in spring – and you simply pull back and if I’m not mistaken said filamentous biomaterial that’s growing from the follicles about your dermis should be out in a jiffy.” 

“Go on then I’ll give it go – yeah I’m up for that.” 

“Right I’ve got a good foothold here – pull back as fast and as hard as you can Delboy.” 

SNAP 

“Bollocks, poor old Del’s heads come off. I’ll have to think of something to tell his family. Just like Uncle Arthur again – I hate delivering bad news.” 

FOR WHAT IT MAY BE WORTH I HAVE POSTED A LITTLE EARLIER TODAY ‘HARRY KRISHNA’S FOOTBALL’ ON THE LEAGUE OF MENTAL MEN AT;

http://leagueofmentalmen.wordpress.com/2014/04/23/harry-krishnas-football/

AND FOR MORE COMPELLING DRIVEL OF SIMILAR QUALITY A VISIT TO;

 http://sozsatire.wix.com/soz-satire

 

 

 

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15 thoughts on “DEREK THE EARWIG AND HIS TROUBLESOME NOSTRIL HAIRS

  1. Nice. Reminds of the old “Night Gallery” episode hosted by Rod Sterling where a fictional earwig chews its way through a guys head, ear to ear, and he survives miraculously only to learn it was a female and laid eggs in his head. Creeped me out as kid so much, I still remember it.

    1. Well that is something else! Never heard of Rod Sterling yet it would have been interesting if he were English and at school for here (maybe in the States as well) the school register is always read out by the teachers surname first; forename second. ‘Sterling Rod’ would thus sound like a porn star from Amsterdam no less!

      1. We do that here too so I’m sure he heard it before. He’s most famous for hosting “The Twilight Zone” TV show fromthe 50’s and 60’s. “You’re traveling through a dimension of time and space known only to man as, the twilight zone!” Classic scifi tv.

      2. Deliciously funny/silly…although it does strike a chord with my that’s not often struck: I have a bit of a phobia for all things crawling, with either no legs or more than four legs…so this ‘Night Gallery’ episode is nearly enough to make me want to eat my brain if only so I can be the first;)

      1. Good clip – I don’t think we get that show. I will check with George as he is the oracle of such things. I am guessing that even with my fondness for earwigs one in the mouth is not to my particular taste!

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