“I say Carruthers I understand the missus isn’t on top of her game just yet.”

“Sadly not old chum.  I had thought after the debacle over the regrettable loss of her red bikini bottoms and the subsequent pictures of her bare behind being published far and wide on that internet thingy, things would have, with the lapse of time, calmed down a cock or two.  Not so I’m afraid.”

“Well I did hear about the goings on at Wimbledon. Must have come as a shock to you?”

“Too bleddy right it did. Shocking business I can tell you. I mean there we were at Centre Court for the Men’s Singles final no less. Andy Murray is about to serve for the match and what does she say as the umpire calls for quiet?  I’ll tell you what she says; she shouts at the very top of her voice, ‘Why don’t you just fuck orf!’ I mean the embarrassment of it all – what with the both of us being escorted away by uniformed officers of the law. Had to hang my head in shame. Awful business.”

“Why on God’s earth did Deirdre say such a thing?”

“The doc says it’s all to do with the trauma that came about her following that bleddy bikini incident. Seems she’s developed some form of Tourette’s and her particular tic is, ‘Why don’t you just fuck orf.’ It was bad enough her suffering from the vapours throughout our marriage – plus of course the odd bout of the accursed Hysteria – now this. She seems to be fine at home yet let her loose on the general public and it all go’eth horribly, horribly wrong.”

“I don’t know how you cope old chap I really don’t.”

“Oh it gets worse; much worse.  Listen hear for we are trying to keep this hush for fear of the tabloids sticking their noses in yet the dinner for the visit to this country of the Obama’s at Chequers the PM organised last evening was, in short, a disaster all because of Deirdre and her sodding Tourette’s.”

“Blige you have my ear old chum what happened?”

“Only this – they sat Deidre in the most honoured position next to the President himself and things were jockeying along tickety-boo. The pair of them were getting along like a house on fire discussing US foreign policy – or should I say lack of same – when quite out of the blue Barak said that he thought the situation in the Middle East would one day be resolved, then asked the missus what she thought and out it came, ‘Why don’t you just fuck orf.’ Conversation killer or what! Next thing was Michelle made known her displeasure at her husband – the Leader of the Free World no less – and Deidre’s riposte was, ‘And you can fuck orf too.’ I didn’t know where to look.  I mean the Cameron’s had to take Michelle aside and make some excuse for Michelle was spitting feathers by then. Of course we were ushered out by the back door – the sheer indignity of it all is more than I can handle my friend.”

“Well Carruthers if ever a day warranted a bender over a game of billiards at the club it is this day. I’ll stand the drinks old chap – it’s the very least I can do after all you’ve been through. Do you think you both will stay together?”

“Buggered if I know at this juncture. She did bellow at me in the manner of a common fish wife, ‘Why don’t you just fuck orf’ as the chauffeur picked me up this morning. That says it all really in my book.”

For the tale of Deidre Carruthers bikini bottoms please see;



    1. Thought that might do the trick. The is a town in Northern France by the name of Tourettes. You can imagine how my wife hates me each and every time we drive through on the way to Lille! I just have to say it!

  1. Ah, I see you included the photo of him after all. Too bad the pauper’s grave thing didn’t apply here. But kudos to Deidre! She’s a ballsy dame for sure. (She’s have to be to put up with Carruthers for all those years.) Great post! 😀

    1. Do you know what I’ve been running with this Carruthers template for a few months now. I did take a side set with secretary Tiffany trilogy – she helping out the French Resistance in WW2 yet along comes poor Deirdre and I am rather taken with her! Must think what awful thing might befall her next. Thanks for that.

      1. I like Carruthers a lot. He’s a little simple-minded when it comes to the barber shop, but he’s crusty and full of tenacity. Plus his cardboard time machine more than makes up for his bad hair. I think he’s one of those kind of people that come across as non-remarkable, yet they are really part of the government’s central intelligence and he’s merely a decoy to see what his buddies are up to. He’s a lot deeper than he lets on. Deirdre is probably the brains of the operation and she uses him as a mole.

      2. I need to have a really good think about where to take Deirdre you know. Sex scandal? Too simple, no…………something will come up……..hopefully. Feeling brain dead must admit what with G sending Shirl and I out to the pub and restaurant last night so he could record stuff. Let’s say I feel delicate – Shirl, for her part is snoring away like a good un and may not rise until the very crack of noon!

      3. I did a search on your blog for Carruthers, and I’m just now getting caught up on his adventures. I agree – Deirdre needs something better than a sex scandal. She’s crafty enough not to get caught at that.

    2. Well, I’m caught up on the misadventures of poor Carruthers. What I want to know is when will be dubbed a Knight of the British Empire? Or at least given a promotion in the Foreign Office?

      1. I did once start one where he thought he was about the knighted yet couldn’t get it to work. I might try again though as it seems the only logical route to go – the thing is now Deidre is in the skits how would she get introduced to the Queen on the occasion of her husband’s knighthood and what would she say? Interesting.

      2. I’m telling you, I think Deidre works behind the scenes. I’m sure your government has something comparable to our CIA. I’m sure she has some hidden agenda of which Carruthers has no clue. I had an aunt like that once… She was dumber than a box of rocks – or so I thought. I thought she was a stupid trophy wife who couldn’t find her way out of a paper bag. Then the day my uncle died, she suddenly turned genius! It was insane, but I think that’s how it must have been for a lot of smart ladies back in the day.

      3. Yes we have MI5 and MI6. It is odd that back in the day the role of the wife mirrored the role of women in society generally i.e. second class; subservient etc. Glad things have changed for it couldn’t have been a lot of fun. I cannot imagine trying to keep Shirley ‘tame.’

      4. Do you know I haven’t got a clue – shameful again. I’ll check it out and get back to you. If only Bond were here he’d tell me! Better still Ms Moneypenny – Tiffany by any other name.

      5. I believe it started out military and in part still is – it’s just that we – being British – never got round to renaming! I think MI6 is the closest thing we have to the FBI.
        British things! We have been following a documentary Ian Hislop’s Olden Days. It’s a 3 part series that really does outline how odd and even now how ‘old fashioned’ we Brits are. Hislop is a great satirist yet is serious for this show – I don’t know if any of it is available in the States yet if it is I think it will amuse you and maybe give you material to work with. Basically it shows how we stumble along yet generally get there in the end! Do you know for all the crimes of our history from days of yore + a bit a Blair/Bush in recent times it’s no wonder I suppose every hates the UK and the USA – shame really because for the main part we are all pretty much good people.

      6. I’ll look and see if I can find the documentary online anywhere. Truly I don’t judge any country’s people based on what I hear on the news because I’m sure it’s slanted with whatever the media wants us to hear. Oddly, I’ve only ever personally known one British lady, though I’ve known dozens of British men, and I’ve never been disappointed. Though sometimes the accents are a bit thick and I have to listen harder. 😉

      7. Great line, ‘I’ve only ever personally known one British lady, though I’ve known dozens of British men, and I’ve never been disappointed.’ I could use that in a rude’ish skit! Seriously though I agree with your media point 100%. Far too many other other nations judge a book from just the cover – that is the shame of it.

      8. Yes, well I’m by *no means* a conspiracy theorist (though I know several), but I do think each nation is fed what they want us to know. (And rightfully so.) Here, even state to state, we get different levels of local news and it’s kind of funny to hear, for example, someone from Michigan call here and say “Oh, I heard you were slammed with the hurricane!” and they go on to tell us about it, and truthfully, it was a storm that fizzled out, wasn’t that big of a deal as the hype, and didn’t much touch us. I kind of think that’s how the news works all over the world.

        Case in point, I’m sure you only hear about the US as far as what the foreign policy is, while we sit here and gripe about the day to day stuff that affects us as citizens, and vice-versa. And I don’t know about the rest of the world, but here it seems the news is always bad news. They always have to put a negative slant on things. When I’m in Canada (usually about 1 month every couple of years), it doesn’t ever seem to be that bad. And the people there seem to be a lot nicer than we are.

        Yes, I bet you could use that in a skit! I think Tiffany Moneypenny might say that about our dear Mr. Carruthers. 😉

      9. Bad news sells media sadly – I reckon it’s the same everywhere. It when the media tell lies – plainly obvious lies – that I get angry. Here in the UK a very popular tabloid, The Daily Mail will twist truth to degrees that amaze me a Joe Public believes it. George recently discovered your Fox News on TV and was, as I was, taken aback by it as previously I’d only followed CNN which seems to me to provide a reasonable slant on things. If only we had a Fox News equivalent here – a satirists dream would come true. Still we still have the wretched Daily Mail.

      10. LOL! That’s funny because I see a lot of Daily Mail posts on Facebook (usually about Bon Jovi) and I always just assumed it was a reputable source. I’ve never looked there for political news, but now I know not to. Yes, we have a LOT of bad news channels, though some are funny, they’re so unbelievable.

        Do you get (or have you ever seen) our show Saturday Night Live? If not, it’s a 90 minute show with several comedy skits, and there is always a “news” segment which satires the current week’s headlines. It’s (almost) always funny (and usually the only part of the show worth watching anymore).

      11. The Mail is very, very right wing like Fox News so you should have a bit of fun with it. I’ve heard of Saturday Night Live and will seek it out on Google – sounds good. I reckon it must be nearly dawn where you are by now and am guessing you need to zonk out shortly!

      12. Yes, it was, and, yes, I did. 🙂 if you look for Saturday Night Live, be sure to look for the older episodes. The original cast from the ’70s was the best. They change every couple of years and aren’t so good anymore except a bit here and there.

      13. I shall search some of these. Have just purchased a mini keyboard for my tablet so I will be able to search from the comfort of the lounge rather than this small study. The search will be my first project – I couldn’t stand the on screen keyboard thus was not using said tablet so you’ve now given it a purpose in life – how very Aristotle!

      14. Sadly been awake since 3.30 as I am the consummate insomniac. Never get more than 4 hours and always feel like shit in the afternoons yet still cannot sleep! Just clicked ‘like’ on your Facebook page. Will get Shirl to do the same but I’ll have to show her how as she’s as useless as me on internet things!

      15. Ah, she must put her brain to better use. 🙂 I feel ya on the insomniac thing…which is why I’m always here so late at night while the rest of the house is asleep. I think it’s an affliction of geniuses which would explain us both.

        When you search for something on the Internet does it end in .uk or do you get some .com sites? I just ask because when I’m in Canada, they almost all go to .ca and not .com. Also my friend in England that used to be my neighbor has an email address with Google… here that’s a name but his is Just wondering.

      16. LOL! Your family is so good at sticking things to their faces! (I’m referencing the photo of the boys with the spoons on their noses.) Did you ever get Twilight Zone there? That’s one of my all time favorites. Rod was king!

  2. Amazing….Great job on establishing Deirdre as a force to be dealt with. I absolutely love how she gets to say stuff to Obama and Michelle a lot of people no doubt want to say…and she just does it, innocently enough even. Made me laugh really hard.
    Btw, I remember back in the 1990’s during a Wimbledon Finale, a naked lady appeared on the court and disrupted the match for about half a minute…That wasn’t deirdre, was it?;)

    1. Now you’ve got me there although I think for years now the BBC has had delay filters put on live events so they can black out the streakers! I think I may have to Google this.

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