ALFRED OUTWHAITE’S PEDIGREE HOMING EARWIG – unadulterated lunacy!

Image

“Where you off to then Alfie?”

“Railway station Billy boy – you see I’ve got little Esmeralda my pedigree homing earwig tucked up safe and sound on a bed of cotton wool in this Bryant & May matchbox with a sufficiency of ripe fruit and garbage to see her through the railway journey to Budapest.”

“Budapest? Bloody hell Alfie that’s quite a way – 1002.09 miles if I’m not mistaken. That’ll be one hell of a challenge to make it back here to Ecclesthorpe-on-the-Moor. Do you seriously believe she’ll be up to it?”

“Not a problem mate. I’ve had her in training these past couple of days. Certainly when I left her at the library just yesterday she made it the 408 yards, 1 foot, 7 inches back home with consummate ease – not even short of breathe. No, she – being the thoroughbred pedigree earwig that she is – is up to the task good and proper.”

“Are there many others taking part in the event – what did you say it was called again?”

“Oh, this is the blue ribbon of all homing earwigs’ competitions; ‘The Eurostar Homing Earwig Grand Prix’ and I’ll take a wager Esmeralda is going to take the gold medal. And, for the record there are in excess of 27,000 earwigs from all over the globe taking part.”

“Can I wish her well before she’s off – you know maybe blow her a gentle kiss for good luck.”

“’Course you can Billy, I know she has a soft spot for you. Here open the box gently for she may be taking 40 winks.”

ALFRED HANDS BILLY THE MATCHBOX; BILLY OPENS IT EVER SO GENTLY; THEN DISASTER AS BILLY SNEEZES AND OUT POP HIS FULL SET OF FALSE TEETH. THE TEETH LAND UPON ESMERALDA KILLING HER INSTANTLY

“Christ Alfie I can’t apologize enough for Esmeralda is no more!  There are no words in the English language that convey the guilt I feel over this tragic accident.”

“Don’t worry about it Billy boy for I always keep a spare earwig in my ear in case of eventualities the like of which has just occurred. Here, may I present ‘Savana’ my back up – plan B if you like – pedigree homing earwig.”

“Isn’t that the one you been feeding steroids?”

“That is true my friend yet needs must when the devil drives – I’ll take a chance methinks.”

Advertisements

23 thoughts on “ALFRED OUTWHAITE’S PEDIGREE HOMING EARWIG – unadulterated lunacy!

    1. My quest to write a piece of pure drivel seems to have been successful – in truth it was harder than writing something with a vague meaning to it! Cheers for the comment – appreciated.

  1. EWW! Earwigs are gross, but you always seem to make them very funny. You’ve endeared me to them so much in fact that I was almost sad to see poor Esmarelda bite the big one. 😦

      1. LOL! The mere word earwig is funny as ever. In fact, because of you and your affinity for the creatures, I have them mentioned in a post coming in a couple of weeks. 😀

      2. I understand earwigs – being illiterate – have a goof leaf as opposed to a good book and as I write this I feel another earwig post coming on yet best refrain as I think if I wrote it I’d have half the mid-west of your fair land gunning for me – best not go there methinks!

      3. Not sure – every time I go near religion I get the strangest response that mostly I cannot approve but I’ll give it go young Rachel!

      4. Well just keep in mind that yours is an intelligent humor and so when you encounter critics, well, you know what that says about their brains.

      1. Nothing wrong with odd – much preferred to ‘normal’ which is really code for boring. Odd is interesting.

  2. Great read, very funny and bizarre…but that picture on top just creeps me out! I can’t even get myself to look at it again (I have a slight phobia for insects;))…where on Earth do you find pics like that?

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s