Always I have hugged trees. Even as a small child I hugged them – all varieties mind – for there is nothing like communing with nature in my book. My parents thought me odd in this regard. Pater would often say to me, ‘Jessica you really do get on my tits with all that bloody tree hugging you know – now go and play in the road darling.’ We lived only a short distance from the M25 motorway at the time. Mater called me an insipid, wearisome dullard with alarming regularity until the day she inserted and Super-glued things called butt plugs into both ears so she would never have to hear my utterances any longer – that is until she also poked both her eyes out with a sharp stick so as to avoid looking at me.  And then the final straw came when pater took a chain saw to all the trees in our garden. I was bereft I can tell you. Still that event prompted me to leave home and get a job as a trainee tree surgeon. It was there that I met Keith, the love of my life. However, after 6 years of courtship and what with him constantly begging to, as he put it, ‘get his leg across – I’ll even take you trunk side if you so desire’ our relationship faltered then collapsed. I was near suicidal when he left. It was then I turned to writing poetry by way of a therapy of sort. I recently wrote a verse regarding my experiences on Facebook that I will now share with you. 

The snap of the cake I posted

For my Facebook friends to see

Got such a poor reception

It will be the death of me


Sammy wrote that it was crap

And Alice commented ‘shit’

John clicked ‘like’ on Alice

And said for eating it was unfit


That he wouldn’t feed it to his dogs

Or even his mother-in-law

And added rather hurtfully

That I was a fucking bore


And as for the photo of my Nan

I thought it nice to share

Yet my bestest friend named Jenny

Said she would suit the electric chair


And then there was my selfie

Which I thought made me look nice

Yet my Aunt Maud did message me

And passed on her advice


She told me to go get a life

In a place that’s far from here

Or it would be even better still

If I could just disappear


Why can I never find love?

What have I done to irk people thus?

And why is that even the local vicar

Wished to see me run over by a bus? 

My dilemma persists so I’ve decided again to attempt to end it all – this will be my 48th attempt!  I’ve read somewhere that a cocktail of birth control pills and steroids is a guaranteed passport to a better place. Odd concoction if you think about it yet I found it on the ‘Bearded Lady’s’ blog so I feel sure it is OK – just off for a final tree hug. I am minded to seek out a sycamore I think.




    1. Got that one from the wife – she called me it a good while ago when the old chien noir had overstayed its welcome – it served me to snap out of it – shame it hasn’t worked for young Ms Downlow though!

    1. Cheers Sir. By the way we have made many attempts including a simple ‘follow’ as well as copying and pasting your address to get you up on The League of Mental Men all to no avail – do you think the Christians are thwarting our efforts in this regard?

      1. Must be, as that is odd. I’ve no idea why that’s happening. could also be the damned Nobel Committee. Bastards. I’m able to follow The League n my blog. Very odd indeed.

  1. HANG ON IN THERE!!! Let me assure you that the world would be all the more diminished without you in it! Secondly who would inspire us all?? Thirdly who will I share my own tree hugging experiences and expertise with??? Fourthly who else understands us writers like a brother from another mother or a sister from another mister???? Finally and most importantly the trees would be lost without you!!! Great blog, loved it 🙂

    1. Kind words – truly appreciated. I shall dine out on this comment – only right now I cannot as a dentist of debatable talent has left me in agony. T’was most difficult even thinking something up to post today such is the residual pain. I must thank Ms Downlow also as this was her first outing on the blog – for the record I did know her many years ago yet by another name! Thanks again.

      1. Not the dreaded dentist!!!! My teeth are aching in sympathy for you now my friend!! My dentist was trained in the corridors of darkness and takes great delight in my tears and screams for mercy!

        Hope that you feel much better soon. God bless you tones, keep up the brilliant work, your tree hugging friend 🙂

  2. I can’t find anything amiss from my end. I can access your blog and post here, so I’ve no idea what’s going on. Clearly, it can only be a conspiracy between our respective governments that’s the cause. Nothing else makes sense.

    1. Thanks – the fitting of a temporary over-sized crown has done the trick for now. It just means when I eat I look like an inmate from a Parisian madhouse circa 1735!

      1. OUCH! How long until you can get the permanent one? That’s one thing we hear about your government health is that it takes forever to get appointments. I’m sure it’s probably not true. My Canadian BFF says she never has any problems getting in, but it’s still funny how such rumors get started. Did it just hurt to eat or did the cold and hot liquid and air bother it? Maybe once you get it all fixed you’ll be able to sleep better. 🙂

      2. No we mainly get seen on the same day – just that the dentist has taken a mould which is now being made into a golden crown – at vast cost! Major ‘ouch.’

      3. So difficult eating as they say don’t eat on the side with the temporary crown yet the other side the teeth do not touch hence chewing is impossible – I’ve lost 2 pounds in weight already as eating is now such a bore!

  3. I love how you can create characters that are wholly original yet very recognizable at the same time. Also: great take on the cruelty that is social media!
    I feel for Jessica, yet at the same time I’m afraid she’d drive me crazy if I ever spent time with her;)

    1. A stereotypical Facebook victim – odd I was writing this around the same time as your magnificent Facebook/Jesus post! Were you in ‘character’ for that one or just in fictional mode. Whatever is was superb.

      1. Funny, this one reminded me of said Facebook/Jesus post a little;)…Most of the things in that post were real, although I did exaggerate a lot for the sake of the story…

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