“I say Carruthers young Tiffany our young secretary has just this minute passed me a ‘Private & Confidential’ letter addressed to you that was delivered by hand at reception earlier.”

“Oh that’ll be a report from that Mo Collarup Private Investigator chappie I instructed to locate the old girl.”

“Who Deirdre?”

“No my bleddy Roller; my pride and joy. Remember when she left she stormed orf in it and I’ve been worried sick ever since – women drivers and all that. Tell you what you read it out for me. I simply can’t face it myself – potential for bad news!”

“Right old chum here goes……… ‘Dear Carruthers, I am able to report that I having initially traced the whereabouts of your Rolls Royce registration number KN08END I have been successful in repossessing it on your behalf. Said vehicle is being delivered to your estate in the Shires a little later today.  However, during the course of my investigations certain matters – not strictly within the gambit of my brief – have come to light that may be of some interest to you.  At the outset you had made it clear that your lady wife has of late developed a fondness for tennis and is currently being coached by a young Italian named Giotto Lottio. With that name in mind I sought out Lottio’s at the tennis club where he is currently employed and sure enough parked there was your car. I did not have the opportunity to affect recovery at the club as both your spouse and Lottio were readying themselves to depart the premises as I arrived. I therefore followed them to a tucked away car park in a wooded area a mile or so away.  Presuming that the pair would be talking a stroll in the woods I parked my vehicle out of sight and conducted covert surveillance nearby.  This may come as a shock yet I have to report I observed a flurry of activity as the pair climbed into the back of the car and thereafter both in a state of hurried undress I noted Mrs Carruthers raised such a racket whilst her male companion constantly requested she adjust her hand position. As I drove off in your car your wife and the gentleman concerned scuttled away into the bushes in some haste. I have in my possession a pair of polka dot panties and a summer frock left behind on the back seat. I shall send them to you for onward transmission to your wife in due course. Whether or not this extra information is important to you I will leave to be the judge. Yours…..blah, blah, blah.’ Well what do you think?”

“Thank God I’ve got the old girl back and notwithstanding our marital difficulties it’s good to hear that Deidre is keeping up her tennis practice – I mean she’s even taking lessons in the car. Even attempting to change into her tennis regalia as well!  How’s that for commitment. As to all the stuff about hand positions that’ll be to do with her forehand which is, I always found her weakness – did nothing for me at all. Do you know the funny thing is I quite miss her. I’ve been thinking back to when we were first married. Gosh we were at it like billy-o back then.”

“Really? I didn’t have you marked down as that sort of chap….you know…..copulation……and that.”

“Copulation! No old friend we’re talking croquet here. All hours we played it. Such fun and games. There was even one time when Deirdre told me she was tiring of being out on the lawn and could we have our next game in the bedroom. Of course I had to advise her that, even with our massive bed chamber we’d never fit in 12 croquet hoops the silly girl. Do you know what now I’ve got this good news re the Roller I’m minded to take another liquid lunch at the club. Care to join me?”

“Is the PM an old Etonian.”




  1. Great stuff. I love how Carruthers manages to stay completely in the dark no matter what clue is dangled in front of his face. He reminds me of Inspector Clouseau a lot!

  2. This Carruthers series is equal in my book with Fawlty Towers.
    I hope Sir this will be taken as a compliment.

  3. Bwaaa haaa haaaaa!! Poor Dierdre will have to walk home from the woods without her knickers. But at least Carruthers is happy once again. I’m glad his Rolly was in good shape when he got it back. 🙂

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