PC ROBERT BOBBY aka ‘BOBBY BOB BOB’ THE CLUMSY COPPER & THE CASE OF THE TOE STUCK IN THE BATH TAP!
‘I’M GOING TO TASER YOU TODAY BECAUSE YOU’RE FUCKING CRIMINAL AND I WANT TO WATCH YOU WRITH……I’M GO TASER YOU TODAY BECAUSE………….’
“That’ll be me ringtone then wonder what this is all about? ‘Ello, ‘ello, ‘ello.”
“Bobby we’ve just had a 999 call from a woman who says she – even as we speak – is drowning in her own bathtub. Best you get round there ASAP. Her name is Foxy Persona and she lives in the flat above the chip shop on the High Street. It sounds like you’ll have to break in mate.”
“I’m on the case Sarg. Leave it to me.”
BANG, CRASH, …. “Oh my fucking shoulder” ……..WALLOP, CRASH….. “Bollocks”…THUD
“Right, bit of a mess but that was a successful forced entry in my book. Best find the bathroom.”
“Cooey, cooey is that the uniformed member of the constabulary I requested? I’m up the stairs at the very top in the bathroom – first door on the right, come quickly.”
“I’m on me way luv don’t panic.”
‘BOBBY BOB BOB’ ENTERS THE BATHROOM TO FIND FOXY QUITE RELAXED IN HER BUBBLE BATH SAVE FOR THE FACT HER TOE IS STUCK IN THE BATH TAP
“Oh thank God you’re here officer and what a handsome, muscular brute of a chap you are attired in that uniform….oh that uniform that signals power and dominance in the protection of a weak and feeble woman such as I.”
“Fuck me luv you’ve only got your toe stuck in the tap – that my dear is a job for the Fire Brigade not the Police. In my book you’ve made an irresponsible 999 call and I could nick you for wasting police time. What have you got to say for yourself?”
“Have you handcuffs – if you arrest me will you ‘cuff’ me naked and vulnerable as I am and drag me off to the station with you……oh bless I’m going all of a quiver.”
“That’s quite enough of that luv – and by the way your foam bubbles are dissipating at a rate of knots young lady. For the sake of your modesty I think they need something of a top up. They certainly won’t last until the Fire Brigade arrive.”
“Oh officer how prone and deliciously assailable I do feel……..I am just grateful to have a man in uniform as my white knight. By the way the bath bubbles are in the cabinet just above my head you’ll have to lean over me to reach – and no peeking you naughty man.”
“Right I’ll just slurp a good measure of bubbles in the tub and you can swish them around by hand.”
“Officer I feel far too weak to do that……it would be adorable of you to stick your hand in and swish for as long as you like.”
“I think that would be inappropriate. Do you have a whisk?”
“There is one in the kitchen if you must lather me up that way.”
BOBBY GOES TO THE KITCHEN AND RETURNS WITH THE WHISK
“Right I note that this is an electric whisk and that there is a socket on the skirting board just outside the bathroom. I shall plug it in there………..right job done…..now if you will sit up – I’ll keep my eyes shut of course – and I can give your bath water a jolly good whisking.”
“What a gentleman you are. You know there really is no need to shut your eyes though. I’m sure you are a man of the world.”
“Manners luv – damsel in distress and all that. Anyway here we go……oh heck the bathroom mat what my foot was on has just slipped and the electric whisk has dropped into the bath and in a snap, crackle and pop she’s been electrocuted! Fuck it. I’ll leave her for the Fire Brigade – probably mark this one down as a suicide.”
20 thoughts on “PC ROBERT BOBBY aka ‘BOBBY BOB BOB’ THE CLUMSY COPPER & THE CASE OF THE TOE STUCK IN THE BATH TAP!”
poor gal – didn’t even get to have her tryst before zapping off
LOLOLOLOLOLOL!!!!! This one was truly hilarious!!!! I didn’t see that end coming for sure! 😀
Cheers Rachel – Bobby is really hard to think things up for hence I’ve made him ‘clumsy’ as opposed to ‘pedantic’ as he was originally. Now he’s just plain clumsy he can work with Deirdre I think.
Well, I love how not only is he clumsy but he’s a stickler for the letter of the law. I can’t wait to see what he and Deirdre do together. Frankly, I’ve been wondering if her father wasn’t wealthy and he is who got Carruthers his job at the Foreign Office and perhaps also who purchased the Rolls. I have to wonder what poor Carruthers would do if he had to start over financially after she left. Who would he hook up with next. NOT that I’m trying to write your skits for you, don’t get me wrong. I LOVE them your way. The best ones always make me think about them long afterwards, though. (Which is a compliment to your writing.)
Cheers Rachel – I have a new Carruthers for tomorrow but it is a bit of a building piece for the episode that follows – I would love to write an epic one. Hopefully on Monday when we take a shopping/lunch trip to France by boat this time I’ll get the creative juices flowing over lunch.
By boat? How cool! You live close enough that you can only go for lunch and then back home?
Yes we are close to the Port of Dover – about 1 hour 15 minutes by boat or 35 minutes by tunnel. Either way we enjoy being able to get to France at the drop of a hat. Even do a monthly type food shop over there. Love the place.
Oh, wow! Port of Dover is in England, yes? What city do you port in in France? Is it the same place you arrive by tunnel? And is that the same place where you shop? You don’t have to declare your purchases and stay under a certain amount when you cross borders? Or is duty not that high there?
UK and France are EU countries which means no border restrictions. It is bliss we have White Cliffs both sides and so much history. Either by tunnel or ferry you end up in Calais which is OK but we tend to drive inland to make it more French. Now get some sleep before you turn normal – and that would never do!
Really??? Do you have to show passports either? I thought the UK was different because you use pounds and not the Euro. I had no idea that there was no duty fees imposed. It’s always such a pain when I go to Canada, getting stopped at the border for hours sometimes if they search the car. UGH! Yes, if I turned normal, it would be a scary thing, indeed! 🙂
fabulous!! Still smiling.
Glad you liked the old bugger. Bobby’s earlier post are on the leagueofmentalmen.wordpress.com who I also write for with others far more insane than me! Thank you.
I will have to take a look over there, thank you ! 🙂
You have been nominated for the Leibster Award at Heartafire with no obligation to accept. Love your blog.
That is really kind of you. Please don’t think me rude yet I’m just an old fool doing this for fun and I get confused with these award things – so many questions; so few brain cells left and all that. Rest assured I am genuinely grateful though. You have a great blog I enjoy following.
It’s quite alright, I feel the same way…it’s too time consuming. Just wanted you to know your blog is one of my favorites.
Well, the woman did seem to be in dire need of some stimulation, so I guess electrocution granted her wish to some degree. Great give and take between promiscuity and oblivion!
Thinking about it the whisk should have been replaced with an electric dildo – would have taken the stimulation aspect to a more logical conclusion. Bollocks – wish I’d thought of that!
Maybe, but the fun part is that the man here seems rather clueless in regard to what this woman wants, so the ambiguity of a household object seems fitting in this situation.
True – could have gone to the cusp of pornography I suppose.