“I say Carruthers I hear on the grapevine you met up with Deirdre last evening. How did it go?”

“Disaster old chum. I mean I simply wished to chat over our marital difficulties – indeed hoped I could talk her around to returning to the estate. Yet she was having none of it. She even told me that I was as much use as, ‘A eunuch in a brothel.’ Can you believe it?”

“Yes, women can be the very cruellest of creatures I find.”

“There’s more to it though. I do believe her sexual – such a loathsome word – preferences are on the turn.”

“How so?”

“Well when the waitress at The Ritz came over to take the drinks order Deirdre ignored the poor girl completely and said to anyone who might care to listen – at some volume I might add – ‘I going to have Dee Caff’ then added, ‘I just adore the taste of Dee Caff.’ I didn’t know where to look for embarrassment.”

“My God man, who is this Dee Caff woman? Do you know her – a neighbour perhaps?”

“Haven’t a blind clue. Must be someone she’s met recently – you know since she left me. Anyway a little later she made to leave for her new lodgings.”

“I never for one moment had her marked down as a girl’s girl although it may be just a passing phase. I mean I recently heard of a blond les…..les…bian….is that the right word….think so….any how I recently heard of a blond les…les…lesbian who kept having affairs with men no less so all hope of a reunion can’t be lost Carruthers. Keep your spirits up and all that.”

“Who pray is Les Bian? Sounds like a spanner in the works to me.”

“No Les Bian is not a specific chap it’s a name for girls who prefer other girls to men. And thank you Tiffany typing away in  the corner as you are for confirming the accuracy of the word I used although there was probably no need for you to add, ‘God give me strength’ though!”

“Whatever, it’s hard you know, so very hard the house is so empty without her. Damn it I’m orf to the club to get as full as a gypsies bra.”

“I think I’ll join you.”


    1. Cheers – I must admit that Carruthers and chum are stereotypes of some of the ex-public school types I met when working in the finance industry i.e. thick as two short planks yet always get the top jobs.

  1. Ah! The Public School Twit Brigade! Know the buggers well. Great post. Love the musings on lesbians – most amusing.

  2. LOL! Poor Carruthers! I’m glad he’s back! The eunuch in the brothel part made me laugh so hard I snorted! Dee Caff was funny, too! Thank you for following up with our dimwitted friend. 😀

    1. Oddly ‘eunuch in a brothel’ is a line I came up with about 20 years ago at a business meeting and some marketing blokes were there – a couple of years back I heard it being used on a radio show and thought bloody cheek – that’s my line!

      1. LOL! That is just awesome! You remember my story about the haunted house landlord? My sister and I used to call him “Steve the diaper wearing eunuch.” He was about that useless as well. I think it’s hilarious and you deserve full original credit. 🙂

    1. He is the consummate English twat. I was just telling the lovely Rachel Carrera that I’m looking to find a way to do one epic Carruthers then maybe put him to bed (no de-caff of course) for a little while. Just need the germ of an idea.

      1. Well, you already had a feature with Carruthers doing some time traveling. You can always put him in a box and ship him off to whatever era you like. Who knows, maybe Carruthers unwillingly caused a major historical occurrence…but that’s just me;)

      2. Still thinking about this one yet my 1 and a bit year old grandson Max came out with a beaut of a name twist yesterday that I have got to get into a Carruthers skit – it was so good I was gobsmacked and certainly would never have thought of it myself.

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