JONNY CATAPAULT – THE PLUMBER THE ARTISTS ALL TRUST & REMBRANT’S CLOGGED UP BATH OUTLET

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“Got your urgent text Remmy me old mate. What’s the panic?”

“Jonny my bath tub just won’t drain away and I’ve been painting me bollocks off lately, I’m as sweaty as a glass blowers bum cheeks as it happens and am in real need of a scrub down. You couldn’t get it sorted could you mate?”

“Not a prob – for you Remmy anything mate. By the look of it it’s just clogged up a tad. Shame you haven’t had a drain off cock fitted really – never mind though. Do my eyes deceive me or have I spotted this very instant the likely cause of said clogging?”

“What’s that then Jonny?”

“Well it’s obvious mate. See that tart what you painted there – bet she’s drained off a few cocks in her time – well if I’m not mistaken the older bird in the pic is having a go at dealing with the tarts athletes foot, corns, verruca’s and what not and, if I’m guessing right she’s had her toenails cut in your fucking bath – bloody check it. Nails clog up drainage outlets in my book. Still that’s Amsterdam for you these days.”

“No Jonny she’s not a tart she is a professional model I hired for this painting what I am naming ‘Bathsheba at her Bath.’ It’ll be a classic of the Golden Age of Dutch Art this one will be mate. I’ve immortalized an Old Testament biblical story with this – I should make a good few guilders I reckon.”

“Good luck to you and I admit it might have been a bit strong me calling her a ‘tart’ – it’s more of a colloquialism of the plebeians such as what I proudly am really. For sure I wouldn’t kick her out of me pit mate although she would have to sort out her feet herself the lazy cow. Now with the assistance of me drainage claw, a little bit of muscle and some baking soda I’ll have you sorted in a jiffy….yes as I thought toenails are to blame – never mind……bingo, there you go Rem’s it’s all clear so I’ll leave you to have a good soak. Best of luck mate for I concur you are chucking up more than a little.”

“Can’t thank you enough Jonny – you’re a living legend mate.”

 

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26 thoughts on “JONNY CATAPAULT – THE PLUMBER THE ARTISTS ALL TRUST & REMBRANT’S CLOGGED UP BATH OUTLET

  1. Awesome and very funny! I’m usually rather ambivalent about my own Dutch heritage, but there’s no denying some of the best painters ever were Dutch. Great testament by admiring Remmy’s work through the eyes of a plumber!

  2. Don’t know why Jonny went and blamed it on Bathsheba’s stand-in. Obviously, this is a case of the improper regulation of Pedicurists. Out here on the prairie, we ain’t into allowing the government to stick its snout into our affairs, but you got to draw the line at the imprudent disposal of pedicure debris. Geez, that stuff could clog a septic tank quicker than a rooster having a go at a hen.

    1. Cheers. I’ve not heard ‘quicker than a rooster having a go at a hen’ before – I like it. Across the pond our ones is ‘quicker than a rat up a drainpipe.’ Do believe yours has a tad more class! As a by the way I know sometimes in the States people don’t take too kindly to the French yet on Monday I was over in France and they were having a public holiday with the USA as its main theme as a kind of thank you for D-Day which I thought was a nice touch – save for the line dancing bit that is – bit like English Morris dancing!

  3. Bwaaa haaa haaaa!!

    1. “I’m as sweaty as a glass blowers bum cheeks” cracked me up! It reminded me of when J comes home from work and says, “I’m as smelly as a caveman’s nuts cheese!” LOL!

    2. Toenails…EWWW! That was so funny!

    3.I think this “lady” is a tranny. She has thick man calves and look at the size of her hands!

    4. Great post as always! 😀

      1. Mermaids! I shall have to check if a famous artist has ever painted a mermaid. Crikey I’ve got my ‘Jonny’ hat on and am – even as I write – working out his literal take on one! Could be a runner for next week – I shall have to credit you of course. Also, there is Deidre – would Carruthers commission a famous painter to paint her – that is if she ever returns to him!

      2. Ah, well, we both know he would never commission a nude portrait, but at any rate, she could definitely have some fun with the artist, couldn’t she? I would love if you can ever have Carruthers come into contact with both Bobby Bob Bob AND William Wordsworth in the same setting! How’s THAT for a challenge? 🙂

      3. Choices, choices, choices – I have been close to a great idea for Carruthers but not quite got there yet – I do like the mix of existing characters though. I shall thus attempt to take up your challenge soon.

      4. YAY! That will be phenomenal! I love so many of your characters by themselves, but coupled with others, that will make the most amazing story ever! Hey, perhaps Auntie Shirl the Lager Girl might answer different letters from each of them then recommend each of them to do something which is how they could meet? I love the Auntie Shirl letters, too! 😀 BTW, your vacation photos were gorgeous! It is SO beautiful over there!

      5. Once you get some sleep, it will all mesh together beautifully, I just know it. I think at this point, you’re probably where I get way too often, which is too tired to sleep. Did you know there’s really such a condition? And they actually recommend you drinking caffeine to get yourself awake enough to be able to fall asleep. I swear it’s the truth.

      6. Yuck. It takes me a good 2 to 3 hours after I lie down to fall asleep. And if I HAVE to get up by a certain time, I never fall asleep. But once I’m asleep, I’ll either sleep for 9 hours or more likely I have horrible night terrors that wake me up and I can never fall back asleep that night. Maybe it’s not actually you. Maybe while you’re asleep, Shirley has bad dreams and hits you in your sleep, then you wake up and have no idea why. 😉 Try watching THIS episode when you have a few minutes of not being able to fall back to sleep: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GZSjibHZUFc

      7. I shall give it a go! We have friends down this weekend and also are viewing a new house so maybe if I just read the posts I follow and clear the old head for the weekend that might help me kip. Annoying though as one of our guests inadvertently gave me a new character last night and it is playing on my mind. She told me the story from her paramedic days of a man who could only stand still or run – he couldn’t ever just walk! Material like that is a gift to good to let pass on by.!

      8. Aha! That’s a good one alright, and perhaps you can incorporate him with your Flat Stanley character. Did you ever find that book or watch the reading of it on YouTube? Definitely if you’ll watch the link I sent above, you’ll at least have a good laugh. Did you ever see that show? It’s one of my favorites of all time. Hopefully once you get moved, your mind will be able to stop thinking so much and you can relax!

      9. It seems every person in the UK had heard of Flat Stanley except me! Will watch links saved on a Word page with other recommendations. Should get there with the stories soon. Have a great weekend.

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