Not so long ago my tabby cat Ronnie was run over by a steam roller on the main A13 trunk road whilst he was taking a kip on the warm tarmac. The experience of losing Ronnie thus left me feeling a tad flat – although as my then boyfriend Cuthbert put it, ‘Not as fucking flat as Ronnie.’ Personally I thought this so very, very insensitive and Cuthbert and I had a heated exchange the result of which was he left me once and for all, his cruel parting shot being, ‘You stupid tree hugging twat waste of fucking space.’  Then just a couple of days ago I accidentally caused the death of my little tortoise Teddy. I felt obliged to write poor little Teddy a poem. 


My treasured pet tortoise Teddy

Would have been 24 today

He has been my lifelong loyal friend

And I loved to watch him eat and play


For his special birthday treat

I made him a carrot cake

Yet Teddy did choke and die on it

And now I am at his wake


Obviously this was preceded

By his funeral

I buried him beside an ancient oak

My God how I did bawl


My eyes out at seeing Teddy

In his final resting place

So I think I’ll go top myself

Yet first I’ve a tree to embrace 

And now once again the moist, soon to be rotting autumnal leaves of depression have flitted in on the chill winds heralding a season’s change and I shall attempt once more to top myself. If I’ve accurately kept count this will be my 51st attempt and how I trust that this time I succeed. For this  I have purchased from Poundland a sufficiency of Mars Bars to the extent that, should I manage to eat them all in one sitting – overdose by any other name – my body weight will increase to that of the morbidly obese and my heart will simply give up. Even though the prospect of looking like a beached whale on the mortuary slab has scant appeal I can see no other way. Wish me luck – but first I have the need to give an elm a jolly good hug.




  1. Made me laugh, that did, especially Cuthbert’s comments to his drippy soon-to-be-ex Main Squeeze! Nice one, Mike!

      1. Time has not been kind – that is for certain. I knew the copper who claimed to have been on the drugs raid for the now famous ‘mars bar’ incident yet never trusted a word he said such was his track record in such matters.

  2. She needs to be careful as earwigs nest in Elms. How on earth do you find all these photos of naked women hugging trees? JUST WHAT ARE YOU DOING DOWN IN FRANCE?!! LOL! This was yet another amazing piece of artistry that made me chuckle heartily. Thank you, Sir Mike! 😀

    1. Well when I was first told lots of people hug trees naked I thought Jessica really ought to do the same. PROBLEM! There are only about three shots on Goggle where naked tree hugging isn’t pornographic so I’m guessing it’s kit on for Jess henceforth! I do enjoy writing about Jessica though.

      1. OR you could get some of the nasty pix and then just add a black bar to cover the bad parts. 😉 But seriously, that’s really kind of weird. I guess it depends on where you live. We’ve got every kind of poisonous spider and and here, you couldn’t pay me enough money to hug a tree, even with clothes on. Once when I was little, my grandma read me an article in the newspaper about a woman who pulled off the highway not far from here to relieve her bladder, and she DIED on the spot because while she was squatting, a mound of fire ants got her! YIKES! (And what an embarrassing way to go!)

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