“Watcha Reg and what is this you bring before me, King Richard I of all England this time.”

“Well my liege Coeur de Lion and all that – may I call you Coeur?”


“Er……well My Liege….is My Liege OK?”

“Suppose so, anyway get on with it I haven’t got all day.”

“Er….well Liege…..sorry forgot…..My Liege I bring before you this fat monk bastard by the name of Friar Tuck plus an ample stock of Venetian Chastity Belts what him and his thieving mates have nicked from the very hull of the ship in the Port of Dover what you commissioned to bring over from Venice in order to strap on to your missus Berengaria of Navarre and all your mistresses whilst you are off fighting Saladin on your crusade thing thus preventing your flock of ladies getting their leg across during said period you are away. I have dragged the wretched cleric bound hand and foot along with his bag of swag all the way across the land to stand before you now.”

“True I did place an order on eBay for a quantity of such items. You know what gals are like – drop em at the drop of a hat and all that whilst the old man is off fighting the good cause.”

“I am presuming you have placed a bounty on the head of anyone who might have stolen said chastity belts then?”

“Well Reg if there has been a theft and if you have affected the return of the chastity belts plus the thieving culprit then you can rest assure you will be well rewarded.”

“Good I was counting on that My Liege. Right fatso hand over the swag what you have in that bag to his majesty.”

“Can’t Reg me hands are still tied. You better open the bag yourself.”

“Shut it fat boy. Right My Liege herewith the swag bag….voila….two dozen venetian chastity belts…..I’m guessing a groat per item plus a bounty of ten score of groats for delivering up the fat geezer?”

“Cheers Reg that sounds about right…….OK…….let’s take a peek………Reg this swag bag contains but cucumbers with a note therein from the Pope himself to the Abbess of the Dorking Convent saying ‘I do trust you gals can put these special Italian citrone cucumbers to good use…by the way do pop in again with the trainee nuns next time you’re passing the Vatican.’ These are not Venetian Chastity Belts designed, produced and marketed in the period known to all gentry as the Golden Age they are just fucking cucumbers! Having said that just how did Friar Tuck get his mitts on them?”

“Who me?”

“Yes you Tuck.”

“Oh I was on my way to deliver them to the Abbess herself. We’ve got a bit of history if you know what I mean.”

“Reg this is one almighty cock up. Piss off now before I have you put in the stocks.”

“Catch you later then My Liege I’ll be off then.”



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