Just off the coast of Calais, France – Summer 1876: On board the paddle steamer ‘The Rugged Nostril’ young Agatha Moonbeam, free at last from the watchful eyes of parents and governess alike has spent a jolly good summer in France getting lashed up on copious quantities of fine wines and cuisine not to mention the dozen or so young men, who in one way or another would one day reflect and call themselves her lovers. Agatha has not long boarded ‘The Rugged Nostril’ for Blighty and whilst her baggage and belongings are locked up tight within the security of her cabin she chooses to keep with her on deck her basket of the fresh smelly French cheeses she has become so taken with during her time there. You see Agatha has figured out that the cheeses will ripen to runny perfection on deck in the sun. She even has a fresh baguette to spread her cheese upon when the need to scoff comes upon her.
“I say Agatha is that the delectable peasant cheese by the name of Pont l’Eveque you have there in your basket and what is chucking up more than just a little?”
“Yes Captain it is. What a fine nose for these things you must have to pick out what is in essence a rustic yet quite delicious lump of lunch fodder.”
“True Agatha my love of French cheese goes before me and whilst an almost rotting Munster is my absolute favourite the Pont l’Eveque runs it a very close second in my book.”
“Would you care to taste a bit?”
“Of the cheese?”
“Pardon! Yes the cheese. Here help yourself.”
WITH THAT THE CAPTAIN GRASPS THE PONT L’EVEQUE FROM AGATHA’S BASKET YET IN DOING SO LOSES HIS FOOTING AS THE SHIP CATCHES A WAVE CAUSING HIM TO FALL FORWARD SMOOTHERING THE ENTIRE CHEESE INTO THE POOR GIRL’S VISAGE. DESPITE THE BEST ENDEAVOURS OF BOTH CAPTAIN AND CREW AGATHA SUFFOCATES IN A STATE OF CULINARY BLISS
“Crikey Captain the girl is as dead as a dodo’s dick so smothered in smelly ripe cheese was she. Shall we chuck her overboard……er…sorry…bury her at sea I meant.”
“Certainly not Coxswain how could you even think of it. Her corpse shall travel with us back to England where I shall see to it the body is delivered up to her parents in West Wickham for a proper funeral.”
AND SO IT WAS THAT AGATHA’S BODY WAS REUNITED WITH HER DISTRAUGHT FAMILY AND BURIED AT THE NEARBY KENSAL GREEN CEMETRY. YET THAT IS NOT THE END OF HER STORY. THE GIRL’S UNTIMELY DEMISE HAS ENSURED HER SPIRIT WANDERS FREELY ABOUT SOUTH-EAST LONDON AS A POLTERGEIST WITH A TENDANCY TO LOB SMELLY RIPE FRENCH CHEESES INTO THE FACES OF THE UNSUSPECTING! HER FIRST OUTING IS AT THE RAILWAY WORKERS COTTAGE HOME OF BILL AND MAUD DEWBURY ASIDE THE MAIN LINE INTO CLAPHAM JUNCTION.
“Blimey Bill you’re back late tonight – what’s your excuse this time? Down that bloody pub again I’m guessing. Any how your dinner’s been in the oven that long it’s burnt to buggery. Should you find yourself gagging for a bite I can only suggest you fill your face with some of that fucking horrible French smelly cheese you nicked off Francoise and what you left to stink my larder out.”
“Alright Maud don’t go on and on about it. I’ll stuff the lot in one sitting for I am that hungry my stomach is of the view that me throats been cut. I’m off to the larder then…………Maud, Maud hasten here this very instance for I see before my very eyes a floating smelly French cheese. I do believe we have a ghost in our midst.”
“Well I’ve never seen the like of it Bill……..and even as I talk I see the cheese gathering pace…..hurtling in your direction even…….my God Bill you have been smothered….smack in the gob….what a to-do……I do hope you’ll recover…..Bill, dearest Bill can you breathe at all?”
“Maud I think I’m done for…….CROAK, COUGH.” AND WITH ONE RESOUNDING DEATH RATTLE BILL SNUFFS IT.
AS MAUD CONTEMPLATES THE DEMISE OF HER HUSBAND SHE SPIES THE SHADOWY FORM OF AGATHA MOONBEAM AND IT IS AT THIS POINT HER LEGEND AS THE INSANE ‘FRENCH CHEESE LOBBING’ POLTERGEIST IS BORN!