AGATHA MOONBEAM – THE INSANE ‘FRENCH CHEESE LOBBING’ POLTERGEIST

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Just off the coast of Calais, France – Summer 1876: On board the paddle steamer ‘The Rugged Nostril’ young Agatha Moonbeam, free at last from the watchful eyes of parents and governess alike has spent a jolly good summer in France getting lashed up on copious quantities of fine wines and cuisine not to mention the dozen or so young men, who in one way or another would one day reflect and call themselves her lovers.  Agatha has not long boarded ‘The Rugged Nostril’ for Blighty and whilst her baggage and belongings are locked up tight within the security of her cabin she chooses to keep with her on deck her basket of the fresh smelly French cheeses she has become so taken with during her time there. You see Agatha has figured out that the cheeses will ripen to runny perfection on deck in the sun. She even has a fresh baguette to spread her cheese upon when the need to scoff comes upon her.

Then disaster……….

“I say Agatha is that the delectable peasant cheese by the name of Pont l’Eveque you have there in your basket and what is chucking up more than just a little?”

“Yes Captain it is. What a fine nose for these things you must have to pick out what is in essence a rustic yet quite delicious lump of lunch fodder.”

“True Agatha my love of French cheese goes before me and whilst an almost rotting Munster is my absolute favourite the Pont l’Eveque runs it a very close second in my book.”

“Would you care to taste a bit?”

“Of the cheese?”

“Pardon! Yes the cheese. Here help yourself.”

WITH THAT THE CAPTAIN GRASPS THE PONT L’EVEQUE FROM AGATHA’S BASKET YET IN DOING SO LOSES HIS FOOTING AS THE SHIP CATCHES A WAVE CAUSING HIM TO FALL FORWARD SMOOTHERING THE ENTIRE CHEESE INTO THE POOR GIRL’S VISAGE. DESPITE THE BEST ENDEAVOURS OF BOTH CAPTAIN AND CREW AGATHA SUFFOCATES IN A STATE OF CULINARY BLISS

“Crikey Captain the girl is as dead as a dodo’s dick so smothered in smelly ripe cheese was she. Shall we chuck her overboard……er…sorry…bury her at sea I meant.”

“Certainly not Coxswain how could you even think of it.  Her corpse shall travel with us back to England where I shall see to it the body is delivered up to her parents in West Wickham for a proper funeral.”

AND SO IT WAS THAT AGATHA’S BODY WAS REUNITED WITH HER DISTRAUGHT FAMILY AND BURIED AT THE NEARBY KENSAL GREEN CEMETRY. YET THAT IS NOT THE END OF HER STORY. THE GIRL’S UNTIMELY DEMISE HAS ENSURED HER SPIRIT WANDERS FREELY ABOUT SOUTH-EAST LONDON AS A POLTERGEIST WITH A TENDANCY TO LOB SMELLY RIPE FRENCH CHEESES INTO THE FACES OF THE UNSUSPECTING!  HER FIRST OUTING IS AT THE RAILWAY WORKERS COTTAGE HOME OF BILL AND MAUD DEWBURY ASIDE THE MAIN LINE INTO CLAPHAM JUNCTION.

“Blimey Bill you’re back late tonight – what’s your excuse this time? Down that bloody pub again I’m guessing. Any how your dinner’s been in the oven that long it’s burnt to buggery. Should you find yourself gagging for a bite I can only suggest you fill your face with some of that fucking horrible French smelly cheese you nicked off Francoise and what you left to stink my larder out.”

“Alright Maud don’t go on and on about it. I’ll stuff the lot in one sitting for I am that hungry my stomach is of the view that me throats been cut. I’m off to the larder then…………Maud, Maud hasten here this very instance for I see before my very eyes a floating smelly French cheese. I do believe we have a ghost in our midst.”

“Well I’ve never seen the like of it Bill……..and even as I talk I see the cheese gathering pace…..hurtling in your direction even…….my God Bill you have been smothered….smack in the gob….what a to-do……I do hope you’ll recover…..Bill, dearest Bill can you breathe at all?”

“Maud I think I’m done for…….CROAK, COUGH.”  AND WITH ONE RESOUNDING DEATH RATTLE BILL SNUFFS IT.

AS MAUD CONTEMPLATES THE DEMISE OF HER HUSBAND SHE SPIES THE SHADOWY FORM OF AGATHA MOONBEAM AND IT IS AT THIS POINT HER LEGEND AS THE INSANE ‘FRENCH CHEESE LOBBING’ POLTERGEIST IS BORN!

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38 thoughts on “AGATHA MOONBEAM – THE INSANE ‘FRENCH CHEESE LOBBING’ POLTERGEIST

      1. I love your tales. Its delightful to read before bed. Almost like bed time story but with a twist to the belly .. a choke on a laugh will be made

    1. Then you would hate my most favoured rustic Esrom the smelliest cheese in all of France – my family have made me purchase a small fridge that plugs into the cigarette socket in the car for when I purchase it as they cannot stand the pong – yet with a glass of red I am in paradise!

    1. You know I very nearly ditched Agatha yet when Shirley was proof reading she told me that would be foolish. I think now that she has become a ghost who throws french cheeses at people I can take her any where in time and I like working with that sort of character.

      1. Yeah, definitely. She would work well in other time periods. And maybe she can have some cheeses strapped to her from “the other side”… that way, when she haunts people, they can smell her before she gets to knock them out with their own cheese. 😉

      2. Agatha is definitely a runner I’ve had a few ideas for her already. We’ll see how they pan out. The sun is out; the sea is like a mill pond; France is visible and I want to be there now! Sadly France basically shuts on Sundays so there is no point! Still one can but dream,

      3. Alright! The Agatha news is definitely exciting! As for France, they’re closed, really? That stinks! I would think they’d lose a lot of tourist business on Sundays. Those sea photos Shirley posted today were amazing! It’s so beautiful where you live!

      4. ‘In France shops shut on Sundays,
        And on Mondays too,
        And every day they also shut,
        Between both 12 and 2!’
        That 100% true – I could have added Wednesday afternoon’s as well – maybe will if I develope this verse you’ve just inspired!

      5. They certainly do Rachel – then again the French never get stressed. I once went to the beautiful city of Lille on a Sunday and it was dead to the world!

      6. I just told my sister about that today. I told her we need to remember that when we plan a trip, not to count on weekend days being available. She said she had heard of that and that’s why Europeans are so relaxed and we’re always so uptight.

      7. I think you’ll find that in offices – even the people at the top layers in businesses – are not allowed to work more than 35 hours a week plus they still get to retire on a decent state pension at 60 I recall. And yet in terms of output per head of population they beat the US and the UK. They must be doing something right! Hope your sister doesn’t cut your hair off for telling her that!

      8. LOL! I learned to lock away the scissors long ago. You didn’t visit my blog today. I hope you’re not tied up in something less than fun. Maybe you went house shopping and found the perfect place? 😀

      9. Rachel – I thought I did pay said visit. I have rectified that already. I’ll have to change my routine. What I do is to rely on the ‘Blogs I follow’ thing. From this I assume I will picks up on the ‘blogs I like’ yet WordPress does have gaps in this ‘blogs I follow’ thing so I end up assuming they/you haven’t posted that day. I think what I will do is keep a list of the key blogs – such as yours – that I actually like and visit those blogs from my list. How do you manage in this regard? You are more organised than me so it would be useful to learn what you do.

      10. LOL! Actually, when someone likes or comments on mine, it sends me an email, then I go visit theirs. And in my email (which is Gmail) there are 3 tabs… so if it’s one of my “special people” such as you, I move those emails to the second tab and visit those last so I can spend the most time with them reading and commenting. And when I started doing it that way, I noticed when I didn’t get a visit sometimes from the special people, then I go look for them.

        I’ve been MIA the last 2 days because of the weird babysitting schedule and no sleep thing again, but I’m back now and just got caught up on yours. I’m glad I got back in time for the Jessica/Bobby adventure to begin! 😀

      11. Thanks Rachel – I use Outlook Express for email and don’t get any notification of new posts at all – hence I rely on ‘Blogs I Follow’ – normally this works fine yet take this morning. I have just managed 7 seven hours sleep (not done that for years) got up checked the Blogs I Follow and it only gives me those for the last 6 hours before ‘There are no more…..’ type message comes up. Bloody nuisance I say. By the way what is MIA?

      12. MIA = Missing in Action.

        WordPress has different settings regarding email notifications. I don’t get emails when everyone else posts anything on their own blog, though that is an option. But you can opt to get email when people Like one of your posts or even only if they Comment. I just do that to make sure I don’t inadvertently miss someone. They don’t have the best settings in the Reader at all. Even in the little orange word bubble thing, I think it only allows you to see the comments for the past day or so which I think is stupid.

        As for your 7 hours, that’s wonderful!! It would be great if you could make a habit out of it, wouldn’t it? Have you had any more news on the house hunt?

      13. Still can’t find a house we like or a house in an area we like. We have another two properties to look at in the village of ‘River’ this evening. It is a lovely village with views into the valley and if one is lucky, views over Dover Castle yet is about 5 miles from the sea. I’m sure Shirley has others lined up to look at over the weekend. But yes 7 hours is most pleasing even though my head is in a splendid fog – a feeling I haven’t felt for an age.

      14. I bet after you move, you might sleep once more. Moving is so stressful indeed! Did you find anything in River? It sounds just beautiful there. I’ll definitely need to bring extra memory cards for my camera when I visit. It’s too bad you can’t find the perfect house AND the perfect location all in one. 😦 How’s G? Did he get his degree yet?

      15. I mentioned the Adams Family House on a reply in another thread just a moment ago but yes this moving business is torture – especially for one like me who has never relished ‘change’ that much. George gets his results on Tuesday coming – he thinks he’s done ok as he mugged me for yet another guitar just yesterday on the basis I would buy him something fine if the degree is a good one. Hope it is as the bloody guitar cost more than I wanted to spend yet in truth it is a rather lovely instrument.

      16. Well, the change is especially bad if you have to give something up to get another thing you want. If it were me, I’d be riddled with buyer’s remorse for ages. Tuesday? That’s great! I’m sure he’ll do splendidly. What kind of guitar did he get? I’m sure he’ll be making money with it before long and it will pay for itself. Of course, if he’s anything like my son, he’ll make money with it, but you’ll never see a dime of it. (Or the British equivalent of a dime…which would be a ???)

      17. A quid I think. Do you know I cannot remember the guitar makers name! I just parted with the cash – in fairness he’s keeping ever so quiet about something he’s been working on night and day presently. He has spent a ton of his own money one things for recording and mixing/mastering lately so something is going on in his head he’s not sharing with us which is fair enough. I’ll find out about his latest guitar and get back to you.

      18. Rachel couldn’t get to reply yesterday – hectic. We got sent to the middle of nowhere to look at an ancient Gothic house with two cellars and an original air raid shelter when all we asked them to find for us was a modern home, near the sea with a south facing garden. What do they show us but ‘The Adams Family’ – and it was falling apart! I could see the agent was getting pissed off as I was whistling the theme tune from the movie as we were shown around. Regardless I shall do a bit of housework on the blog and see if I can get better organised. Have a great weekend.

      19. WOW! Yeah, that does sound like a bad place to live, yet it sounds like a dream for a photographer! That is hilarious about you whistling the Adams Family theme. If only Lurch was there to show you around. 😉 Do you want me to call the agent and threaten him/her? I can sound tough over the phone if I need to.

      20. Tell you what – if you’d been there with your camera you wouldn’t have left there were so many opportunities for surreal photo’s. Also, if you’d been there with a pen and paper you would have had the material for a Gothic thriller/horror tale.

      21. Oh, well, now I’ll need you to remember the address so you can take me for a visit there when I make it to England. I probably would have been able to channel a ghost or two while I was there. It sounds like a place to pay admission to rather than a place to live! 🙂

    1. Thanks for that – I had my doubts about Agatha and nearly binned her yet Shirley insisted I run with with her. Methinks she’ll get another outing shortly now the scene is set.

  1. Recently I buried a pungent wheel of Éppoisse in the garden fearing the emanations would have been too much for the dustbin, so far no paranormal activity to report—but will be on the alert for Agatha 😉 .

  2. LOL!! Mike I know I can always count on you to answer all my “poltergeists that originated aboard the Rugged Nostril” questions. Of which I have or I should say “had” many! Thanks to this enlightening history lesson!

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