“Tell you what Billy boy don’t ever let that missus of yours find about you and that ‘Dark Lady’ you’ve been shagging – she’ll have your guts for garters mate.”

 “True landlord I do believe it to be the case that if Anne should discover my little secret – well I thought it was a secret – she would no doubt end up in a state of some distress. Any way how did you discover I was entwined in a relationship with this other maiden so dark and seductive as she is?”

“The whole of fucking Stratford upon Avon knows about it Billy – I’m guessing here is that the only one who doesn’t is your old ‘trouble and strife.’ You overlooked that Maurice Aplomb who is a regular here is in charge of the CCTV at Lidls car park on the edge of town. He’s got the pair of you right at it the other night after you both left the pub. It was only good manners on his part that it’s not all over YouTube. Mind you I’ve seen it – you dirty old scoundrel you!’

“Such is life I suppose and thanks for giving me the heads up on this one landlord. I feel it might be prudent to send Anne abroad until I tire of the Dark Lady. However that may be some little time in coming – so to speak – as she is constantly in my mind and heart to the extent that I’ve been trying to knock out a swift sonnet all about her.”

“Nice one Billy. You’re pretty good at those sonnets mate – how many have you penned?”

“This one will be my eighteenth yet I am stuck on the bloody first line. I just can’t think how to finish it. All I have so far is, ‘Shall I compare thee to a Summer’s…..?’ Any ideas landlord?”

“Crikey Billy I can barely read and write meself but try this one out for size, ‘Shall I compare thee to a Summer’s wasp?’ You get a lot of wasps in the pub garden in the summer months.”

“No a ‘wasp’ doth not invoke in me a feeling of the purity of love and it is my love for the Dark Lady – forgive me if I do not mention Mavis’ true name – that my sonnet is all about.”

“A swarm of flying ants then – how about that?”

“No the insect theme just doesn’t get me in the zone methinks.”

“A ladies leg waxing then. That’s what all the girls do come the summer I believe – not that that fat cow of a wife of mine ever does mind.”

“No, no, no that is just ridiculous landlord.”

“Pair of shorts or a BBQ or camping out at a music festival or…..how about this one it’s a fucking blinder for is there nothing better than a cold pint of lager on a hot summer’s day. It has to be that Billy boy.”

“No landlord I think I’ll ditch the idea for a minicab home and walk back today for it is a beautiful summer’s day out there and I need the time to think on the matter of just how to finish that first line. Once I have I know the rest will flow with ease.”

“Best of luck then Billy and you’re dead right you know it is truly a stunning summer’s day – still mustn’t get you off subject with my twaddle. See you next time mate?”



  1. ‘Shall I compare thee to a Summer’s…

    I wouldn’t try that around here. Summer’s cafe used to be a great place for a beer and a pizza and maybe ten years ago you could get a girl all whoozy by comparing her to a cold pitcher of Schiltz and a pepperoni pizza but those days are long gone.

    Since the pointy headed LIBRULS outlawed smoking in all the bars and cafes, all the smoking and drinking action has moved to Don Weaver’s double car garage and Summer’s is all but closed.

    I’d say if you want to impress a girl, you tell her, “Shall I compare thee to a Ford F250 4X4 with an off-road package.”

    1. You know since the smoking ban half the pubs in England have gone bankrupt! That said if – back in the day that is – I compared a bird to a Ford F250 4X4 I’d have got away with it but I’m thinking here the ‘off-road package’ bit may have ensured I received a kick in the balls. Sad really as all us chaps are ever after is one with a nice ‘off-road’ package. Sound’s like Don Weaver’s is where the action is at.

    1. Funnily enough we were just talking about the same subject. In Belgium a few weeks ago we were taking coffee (morning I stress) in a bar where everyone was smoking inside. Given the UK ban on such things must be a decade old now it felt rather weird to be able to light up indoors once more.

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