JESSICA’S STORY: “I just knew it would turn out this way. There was me in the deepest part of the forest enacting my 55th suicide attempt by way of supergluing myself to a tree and becoming at one with it when lo and behold who should turn up but ‘Bobby Bob Bo’ our local policeman. I thought this might happen when he had, just a few days earlier spotted me carrying that gross of superglue out of the Poundland store. At the time he had said to me, ‘‘Oi Jessica what are you doing with all that superglue? I trust you’re not going to try and top yourself again – I shall have to be keeping an eye on you luv.’ Yet for once I’ve got it right for part of the tree I now am and I must say it feels rather glorious, so very natural to be thus. ‘Bobby Bob Bob’ cannot save me this time.

It is a shame that I will never again be able to write poetry however I can ‘think’ poems and pass on my words subliminally to any punter dropping by and giving me…….or should I say the tree that I am a part of a jolly good old fashioned hug. In point of fact I feel a poem coming on at this very moment. I have at last found true happiness I think.

‘BOBBY BOB BOB’S’ STORY: I was proceeding in a northerly direction through the Shagger’s Wood on the lookout for Jessica Downlow who I had spotted a few days previous armed with an unusually large quantity of superglue. Given her propensity to attempt suicide at an alarming rate and given that her place of residence had been empty for a number of days I thought it best to seek out her whereabouts and make sure she hadn’t done anything silly. Jessica has a track record in this regard. In the knowledge that she loves nothing better than to hug trees I decided to commence my search for her in the woods. Regrettably, and despite searching far and wide there was no sign of her. Approaching the centre of the forest I did spot a tree that seemed to have within its trunk a perfect image of the female form. I contemplated this for a moment and had just got out my mobile with a view to taking a photograph that I would later post on my Facebook page thus outdoing the cats, kids and cake brigade when I felt compelled to go up right close to the tree. It was a really funny feeling I can tell you – almost as if the tree was calling for me. The next thing I knew was that my uniform was scattered around me on the forest floor and there I was stark bollock naked hugging the female form that was the very foundation of said tree. Imagine how taken aback I was as events played out as they did. You see – not that anyone back at the station would ever believe me – I swear I heard the tree commune with me in verse. I will never, ever forget the words I heard. They went…..

I am at one with creation now

And part of this great oak

You will feel my words, not hear them,

And the emotions they may evoke


For I have gone and topped myself

And am now part of the cosmic flow

I’ll no longer need pets and lover’s

Not me, Jessica Downlow


So poor Bobby Bob Bob

Do not weep for me

Come back any time you wish

And I’ll give you hugs for free


Well I thought to myself, what a load of bollocks that was. I hastened to get my uniform back on with some degree of urgency in case someone spotted me without a stitch on entangled with a tree. Innocent as my situation was the boys down the nick would have had me marked down as a pervert if news of this ever got out. Anyway, what with the shock of it all and once off duty I went down the pub and got totally bladdered. Still haven’t got a fucking clue where Jessica’s got to though. Evening all!





  1. Bwaaaahaaahaaa!!! Oh this was so definitely worth the wait! It was a perfect meeting for them both! If only we had a photo of naked Bobby Bob Bob hugging the Jessica Tree… 😉

  2. Ah, the plot thickens! The dual perspective works really well here, I think. Also, it’s as funny as all the previous Jessica Downlow installments. I really like how Jessica’s absurdity seems to affect everyone she encounters.

    Also: “a photograph that I would later post on my Facebook page thus outdoing the cats, kids and cake brigade”…great little snip of social media satire thrown in there!

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