“Anne my darling wife, lover and mother of our 12 children I feel I am in need of your assistance. You see this holiday we have taken has inspired me to write poetry once more yet I am, if the truth be told, totally and utterly bolloxed as to how to finish off the first line. As you well know that crucial first line is a pre-requisite when it comes to knocking out a swift and meaningful poem.”
“What have you thus far John my dearest?”
“Well, all I have is ‘No man is an…….??????’
“I see….let me think a little……and no you may not get your leg across whilst I’m having a ponder for how many times do I have to tell you that ending up with a baker’s dozen of kids has scant appeal to me……right then what about, ‘No man is an aficionado on matters pertaining to contraception’ – you certainly are not.”
“How cruel you can sometimes be Anne I do try my level best yet I have no control when the urge takes me. Anyhow whilst I see some merit at your first stab at an ending I really don’t think it is what I am looking for.”
“OK then how about…..’No man is an undoer of brassieres from the front.’ Again you fail – indeed fumble hopelessly in that regard.”
“Crikey Anne you are a tad on the picky side this afternoon. Give me something with more oomph please. Something that appertains to man alone and do try to chuck in a hint of metaphor this time.”
“Right, I think this one might work, ‘No man is an expert on the literature of Mills & Boon unless he’s a girly type of chap.’ Any good?”
“Too longwinded I feel. I’m getting tired now and think a cup of cha and a garibaldi back at our lodgings might just get me creative juices flowing once more.”
“So long as it is just your creative juices you’re talking about I shall accompany you yet first I’d like to fire this undoubted truth in your direction. I really do feel that this will work and thus aim you in the right direction insofar as the rest of your poem is concerned. ‘No man is an acknowledged possessor of a 24 inch flaccid knob.’ Now that must be a clincher I’d say.”
“It’s a good one Anne I’ll grant you that and realise that what I may lack in length I make up for in girth yet still…..no…..it doesn’t feel right.”
“Too bloody true it doesn’t feel right yet that’s another matter. Anyway I must say this gorgeous island we have chosen to holiday on is such a delight.”
“Delight it may well be Anne yet you must cease to detract me from my poetic endeavours.”



    1. I do worry about poets so – oddly I’ve thrown 3 attempts at poetry in the bin today and given up the idea of posting one as me brain is as dull as dishwater. By the way have you ever resided in that town of Essex culture by the name of Brentwood? Just wondering.

      1. I know what you mean. Honestly, I have been plagued by writer’s block for quite some time and feel I can write no more until suddenly some glimmer of brilliancy comes along. As for Brentwood, not sure if you’re kidding due to my comment on the Brentwood shagger. I’ve actually always lived in America but visited England twice. Did get out to the countryside but not sure if I was in Brentwood. Therefore I never actually did hook up with the Brentwood shagger but maybe his American cousin.

      2. Essex man is the typical English chav – booze & fast women of little taste. Suggest a Google search ‘Essex Girls’ for your cultural enlightenment in terms of British ‘chavery’ – think I might have invented a new word there. And yes, I have the wretched block again – it was all going swimmingly well then nothing!

    1. Cheers Rachel – I am though having desperate trouble posting with this new WordPress layout. George did yesterdays for me yet I haven’t a clue how to do it and it is sending me mad!

      1. Hmm… I heard a couple of other people talk about this today, but mine looks the same (so far). I suppose WordPress is like Facebook and they change periodically just when people get used to it. Once mine changes, I’ll see if I can figure it out and help. I hope you get it soon… I’m looking forward to my Carruthers installments! 🙂

      2. Tell you what Rachel – the new system is a nightmare and Clive tells me there is loads of stuff on W/P Forums moaning about it. I almost gave up blogging because the stress was taking the fun out of it.Even when I called George in to help me out it took him 5 minutes to ascertain what to do and normally he would problem solve computer issues in a nano second.

      3. What? Oh that’s awful! I’m sure mine will change any day now. UGH! Hopefully the WP powers that be will hear the gripes and put things back like they should be. If you stopped blogging, you would surely disappoint a lot of people besides yourself and then what outlet would you have for all that pent up creativity? DON’T GO!

    1. This is yet another easy template for ribald satire and immense fun to write. I think I have a beaut of one of these for later this week. Also, I enjoy taking the piss out of dead poets.

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