“Well that’s the mains water connected to that brand new ginormous American Fridge Freezer Mikey boy – you’ll be drinking all the chilled water you want hereonin mate. I must say it is a whopper. I think you made a good choice going for the SMEG as you have done. Lovely retro feel about it in my book.”

“Can’t thank you enough Jonny. Your customer service is beyond the call of duty what with you coming out to install it so promptly.”

“Not a problem Mikey – can’t have you with a raging thirst whilst you’re sculpturing away can we. Anyway how is it going on the old sculpturing front?”

“Not too bad Jonny – would you care to see my latest work unveiled”

“Bloody right I would Mikey.”

“Right I’ll just pull the protective sheet from the statue……voila……here it is. I’ve named it ‘The Devil is a Woman.’  What do you think?”

“The Devil is a Woman you say – looks more like a bloke who works out down the gym whose grown tits. I’m guessing here that he has overdosed on steroids. They say if you take too many you are liable to grow fucking great knockers – or so I’ve heard.”

“How clever of you to spot that Jonny! In truth the bird I wanted to model for me let me down at the last minute so I got Lars from the local weightlifting club to sub for her on the basis that he had a sort of adolescent feminine appearance about him. Personally I thought I’d have to fashion the tits after the event yet Lars came with them already installed –so to speak. Stroke of luck if the truth be told.”

“Well Mikey I’ll lay odds you weren’t firming up as he posed for you mate – unless of course you’ve taken to bowling from the pavilion end of late that is. Each to his own of course.”

“Well I must admit I did feel a certain attraction toward Lars whilst he was posing in the raw. Indeed you might say I fancied him somewhat.”

“Er…….right I’ll be off.”

“Thanks again Jonny. You’re a living legend mate and I don’t suppose you’d like to do some nude modelling for me? I’ve been commissioned to do an iconic one of ‘David’ from the Bible and I need someone who hasn’t got too massive a cock – you know it’s going up in a chapel and they don’t want the lady visitors getting too excited. I’ve heard rumours you fit the bill.”

“Who from………whatever, catch up with you sometime Mikey – I’ve really got to hurry.”




  1. “looks more like a bloke who works out down the gym whose grown tits.” That line made my weekend!

    This one is another category that seems to have more legs than all insects combined. It’s great to see how a plumber shines in the presence of great ‘sophisticated’ artists.

    1. Jonny is truly a current favourite. I guess it is cheating to an extent as the template is so easy to write to yet the plus is I find myself getting into character with Jonny and thinking like the average thick bloke from the pub.

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