“HOW DO I LOVE THEE? LET ME COUNT THE……….NUMBER OF SHAGS MY LOVE AND I HAVE MANAGED ON FRIDAY NIGHTS FOLLOWING A JOLLY GOOD PISS UP DOWN THE PUB” AS ELIZABETH BARRETT BROWNING GETS ‘POET’S BLOCK’

browning
“Oh my giddy aunt I’m stuck!”
“Pray how so Elizabeth you little sexy vixen of dark complexion?”
“Well Robert my husband and the love of my life I think I need your assistance for I am somewhat bolloxed as to how to kick off this my 43rd sonnet celebrating yet again my feelings of love for you. Thus far I have, ‘How do I love thee? Let me count the………..’ and I cannot for the life of me think of how to finish it off thus enabling me to knock out the rest. I mean that all important first line should be a clincher I always feel thus hooking the reader to read on rather than get bored shitless and give up.”
“Well Lizzie let me have a jolly good think……………Right how about this for a sublime ending. ‘How do I love thee? Let me count the number of sexual positions we are up to thus far from the Karma Sutra.’ I mean we’ve veritably motored through that book and, if my memory serves me well, have managed 68 said positions in just the couple weeks since I purchased the book for you.”
“True as that may be I feel that – I stress ‘possibly’ my love for I do not wish to hurt your feelings – it might be a tad too raunchy for my readership.”
“Agreed. Try this one then, ‘Let me count the number of times we’ve rogered ourselves senseless in the double shower what we had fitted only last week.’ I mean that surely cannot be considered too ‘raunchy’ as you so succinctly put it can it?”
“Well Robert it may not be as raunchy as your first stab yet it is a tiny bit rude you must agree?”
“I see your point. Here we go then – and I’m thinking outside the box here, so to speak – ‘How do I love thee? Let me count the number of shags my love and I have managed on a Friday night following a jolly good piss up down the pub.’ As manifestations of love go our Friday night booze up as a prelude to unbridled sexual encounters have always been in my book rather special don’t you agree?”
“Certainly Robert I agree wholeheartedly but do remember my poetry is typified by diction, rhythm and sentimentality and I am unsure if your latest offering falls into that category. Never mind it is so lovely in our little Italian villa of Casa Guidi I feel sure inspiration will come to me.”
“Yes Lizzie you will find your words soon enough. In the meantime what about a snifter at that little bar in the village? We could take the route along the cliff tops or maybe the path through the forest to get there. Your call my dear.”
“Absolutely wizard idea and we are spoilt for choice as to which way to get to the village……so many ‘ways’ don’t you think. Still I must – to a certain extent at least – keep the old noggin thinking about my sonnet and not ‘ways’ to the bar. And by the way should the fancy take me this evening what is the 69th position in that Karma Sutra book?”
“I’ll just check it out Lizzie…………Crikey……come see the picture…….shall we take a rain check on the proposed visit to the bar?”
“Not sure about that Robert for if you haven’t noticed yet I’m more impressionable when my cement is wet.”

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27 thoughts on ““HOW DO I LOVE THEE? LET ME COUNT THE……….NUMBER OF SHAGS MY LOVE AND I HAVE MANAGED ON FRIDAY NIGHTS FOLLOWING A JOLLY GOOD PISS UP DOWN THE PUB” AS ELIZABETH BARRETT BROWNING GETS ‘POET’S BLOCK’

      1. They seem to add a new enhancement every day presently. I think I have worked this latest one out – even sso they have made what was simple hard!

      2. Is it still just as hard? LOL! I mean difficult. If not, is it because you are adjusting, or because they have tweaked it again? What I have noticed is I don’t get any more emails that tell me when someone comments on my blog. It’s rather frustrating if someone comments on something other than the current day’s post because I might inadvertently skip them and never realize it.

      3. The hardest bit is getting a photo/pic loaded into the post. Still trial and error for me as they changed the method three times in a week now!

      4. Oh, wow, that’s insane! I thought when you first told me that perhaps it might have been your “theme”. Remember I told you that I had another blogger friend say something similar? But then I checked and you and she have different themes, so I guess WP is just taking its time getting around to everyone. I don’t think it’s regional, either, because she’s her in the US.

  1. Wonderful, Mike; I especially liked the final line – made me laugh, that did! Nice to see the old relative (Browning, that is!) and his sonneteeriing missus getting an outing for a change!

    1. Crikey – I know at my vast age of 108 I’m not quite as quick as I was but I don’t understand that? I feel sure the wife has contacted you to throw a spanner in my thinking process thereby enabling her to have me committed to a home for the terminally bewildered – or was that last week?

  2. Bwaaahaahhaaaa! This was hilarious, except that I kind of always thought of those two as virgins. It’s kind of like thinking about your grandparents doing it. *SHUDDER*

    1. Well, quite honestly, I walked in on my grandparents doing it once. YIKES! And after he died, I found his WWII diaries where he talked about his, ahem, companions overseas. Apparently VD ran rampant during the war and prostitution was at an all time high. After I learned that, it made me throw up a little. LOL!

      1. So your granddad certainly wasn’t cut from the Carruthers mold then. Then again I bet he had more fun than Carruthers ever will! I hope the old boy didn’t die as you walked in though – even so I’m guessing he’d have died a happy man.

      2. LOL! I doubt it. I think he probably was a bit wild where as Grandma had the “it’s a wifely duty” attitude. Though she did admit to me once that he tried to get her to do it on my waterbed while I was in school once day. I was completely mortified after that!

      3. Worse yet, WHY DID SHE TELL ME THIS? It scarred me for life to be sure! Of course, she liked (and still likes) to giggle a lot, so I’m sure she got a kick out of my reaction.

  3. This one is just filled with memorable one liners, as I kinda suspected/hoped for when I saw the title. In this series this is probably my favorite! And as other commenters already pointed out: that last line was the among the funniest I ever read!

    1. It is an old London saying usually made by the male in that he’d go out drinking on a Friday night then come home drunk expecting sex. It is thus a mere metaphor I nicked from the gutters of London speak!

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