“Well you know what they say Lenny boy, ‘There’s no such thing as a silent plumbing system,’ yet yours was banging away like a brothel on a Saturday night if I may say so. I’m surprised you could get any kip. Still all sorted now I installed a handy anti-siphon trap.”

“Yeah I invented that!”

“What an anti-siphon trap? Well bugger me I never knew that was one of yours. You certainly are a clever bastard on the old invention front Lenny. By the way did you spot me new van outside? Lovely job – it’s even got a built in Satnav system. I’m as pleased as punch with it.”

“Yeah I invented that as well.”

“Christ is there nothing you haven’t invented Len?”

“Not a lot, although sadly I cannot take credit for the original wheel – although I did invent the alloy wheel.  Anyhow how’s life with you Jonny?”

“Business is running smoothly what with all you artists having plumbing problems and I seem to have cornered this niche market thanks to you. I mean if you hadn’t invented plumbing and put me up for the gig I’d probably be sweeping the bloody roads.”

“Don’t thank me Jonny your customer service is second to none mate.”

“Talking of art I hear on the grapevine you’ve knocked out a new painting – couldn’t take a gander could I?”

“No probs Jonny…….come over here and cop a butchers at this little beauty. I’ve named her Columbine but I’m fucked if I can remember the name of the bird who modelled for it if the truth be told.  Met her down the fish and chip shop and she seemed a good sort. Watcha think?”

“Well it’s certainly different….I mean unlike your recent efforts this one’s kept her kit on – well save for the one first rate Bristol showing. Personally I like it when the birds are totally in the raw mate. This girl has got me juices flowing yet I do not feel a firming happening within me parts. Still if you like her that way that’s all that matters.”

“Cheers Jonny. For this painting I was going for the erotic more than the obvious in a ‘renaissancey’ sort of way – oh, I think I’ve just invented a new adjective there. Is there no end to my talents? Whatever with just the one knocker on display the effect is to get the viewer tantalised and wanting more.”

“Oh I get you now – tell you what you should get the bird back and paint ‘Columbine – the logical conclusion.’ That way she’d be starker’s and it would make a fine companion to this painting. Well that’s my opinion anyway.”

“I was actually thinking along the same lines yet forgot to take her mobile number – even though I invented the bloody mobile.  Sadly that means I’ve lost contact with her.”

“Such is life…..still I’ve got to be getting along as old Rembrandt’s water works are playing him up and the bonus is he’s got a model in his studio for a nude painting even as I talk so I’d better get round there sharpish so as not to miss any of what I call the ‘still life action.’”

“I understand mate yet do bear in mind that the girl Rembrandts painting is I understand probably a bit on the chubby side and may not be to your voyeuristic taste.”

“Thanks for the heads up – so to speak – but do I look like I care Lenny boy? They’re all the same to me mate.” 

“You’re a living legend Jonny.”



    1. Cheers – the wife has called me many things but never a legend! ‘Shirl…..I’ve just been called a legend…..are you listening Shirl……Shirl…’
      Thanks again – appreciated.

  1. Thats it. The position of Will Smith in ‘I am Legend’ should be yours to claim. But then again your audiences shall definitely be the infected zombies. Haha…

    1. Personally I’d rather an uninfected zombie if I had to choose! Then again best speak to my son George as he is an expert on zombies. Did you get to listen to his his music link I posted yesterday evening? Doesn’t matter if you didn’t of course. I was just wondering what someone who isn’t, like me, 108 years old thought of it!

    1. Tantalizing thought – luckily Jonny has just fixed our shower – so I’m off for a cold one and have asked the wife to start putting that stuff (whatever it was it seems to work) in my tea again.

    1. More like a ‘leg end’ – depending what end of the leg that makes me ‘down at heel’ or a knob! The wife would go with the latter – metaphorically that is!

  2. Far more than a legend, you are a master of the pen. Not many people could look at a painting of an ugly woman’s bare breast and write such an in depth narrative about how the portrait came to be, and incorporate a day laborer such as a plumber as well. 😉 Excellent skit! By the way, how’s the house shopping coming along?

      1. LOL! You’re welcome. Glad I can help. 😉 I can see it now… There’s an orgy in the room yet you’re sitting off to the side with your notebook in hand, thinking of a skit to write around the weakest link there. 🙂

    1. Almost forgot – house hunting is stress I don’t need. We keep getting sent to see houses that are nothing like the brief we set out. It is sending me insane. Today we have another two to look at and one – on the face of it – looks very promising and is priced such that we could move home and make a reasonable amount of money doing so! The downside is that it is in Dover itself. Parts of Dover – what with it being a port – can be quite rough. We will have to check carefully as to how ‘rough’ or close to the ‘rough’ bits this place is.

      1. Oh dear. Well, good luck, my friend! I’m sure it will be beautiful after Shirley adds her touch to it. It’s too bad you can’t keep the house you’re in and just rent it out. That way if you end up not liking where you go, you can always go back. I’ve learned over the years, even if a house looks good, drive around the neighborhood at night. That’s when the neighbors are home and you can really see what goes on, such as barking dogs, people “lurking” in the dark, lowlifes hanging around, etc. But of course, you being a P.I., I’m sure you already know what clues to look for. 🙂

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