“Well if it isn’t Dr fucking Gloom. What’s your poison you old tosser?”

“Arsenic I reckon – I’m minded to end it all but there’s so many out there waiting to piss on me grave I won’t give them the pleasure so it will be a pint of the usual landlord.”

“What’s new with you then Gloomo?”

“Fuck off – I don’t know what it’s got to do with you but if you must know I took a tumble on my way to the pub falling into a 20 foot deep sink hole in the road damaging my knackers as I landed on top of an extra-terrestrial who was at the time smoking a hash pipe and whistling a passable rendition of ‘The Flight of the Bumble Bee’ as it happens.”

“Christ that is a tale of gloom Gloomo me old mucker. Hope your knackers aren’t damaged beyond repair mate. When the missus hears about your plight she will be concerned about her conjugal rights old chap.”

“You haven’t met my wife then landlord – I haven’t had me leg across since 1956 however I am able to report that having checked them out down the hole awaiting the arrival of the emergency services one of them has swollen up like an ostrich egg but the other seems to be tickety-boo.”

“I knew a bloke once who had a massively swollen bollock and they had to amputate it. He didn’t seem to mind that much. In point of fact he seemed quite chuffed saying it would take twice as long for half the result.”

“Suppose I’ll just have to live with the worry of it all then. Why haven’t you asked me about the little green hash smoking extra-terrestrial…….you know…..I thought that all things considered you might have said something along the lines of, ‘You fell on fucking what?’ 

“Well I did hear what you said but just presumed you were a tad concussed and was talking bollocks if the truth be told. So then Gloomo lay it on me…..we’re not too busy at the moment.”

“Well he spoke perfect English and was kind enough to put in a call for said emergency services using his alien telepathic abilities. He told me that there would be at least a 5 minute wait until they arrived and asked if I would like to take a swift journey with him through time and space and be back in time to be plucked out the hole by the fire brigade.”

“Crikey did you take him up on his kind offer that might I surmise give you a new slant as to your entire philosophical take on life?

“Course I did.”

“Well Gloomo where did you end up on the time travelling journey of a lifetime?”

“Fucking disaster it was. I ended up in Medina del Campo on the Iberian Peninsula in the year 1480 and immediately fell into the hands of the Spanish Inquisition.  Inevitably I was tortured to within an inch of my life on the rack and thereafter was left to rot in a cellar full of rats for two years awaiting trial. Eventually my case went to the Tribunal and I was found guilty of heresy and sentenced to death. For once however good fortune smiled on me as the little green alien popped up from out of nowhere saying that as he had run out of his stock of hashish he had to get back to Earth 2014 to replenish the dwindling supply and also to get me back to the sink hole in time for my rescue. He added that it would be pretty bad form if the brigade turned up and found the hole empty and were left with no option other than to presume it was a hoax call and record it statistically as such. So there you have it….that was what happened to me on the way to your hostelry this very morn.”

“Shame the alien didn’t drop you off in an island paradise of tropical climatic conditions at a time prior to European imperialism full only of naked nubile young ladies gagging for it really.”

“Oh he did as it happens – on the way back. We aborted that mission though as a tidal wave completely enveloped what to me was an Eldorado where for once the gloom and tedium of my life would be no more. I got soaked to the skin by the way and all the girls died horrible deaths and ended up in a watery grave, not that you’d care.”

“Shame that was Gloomo.”

“True. Anyway got to go now as I’ve got to have the cat put down. Would have done it meself and save on vets fees but I’ve lost me club hammer.”




    1. Do you know Dr Gloom is the name the landlord of a pub anointed me with some years ago when I was working in finance and would always pop in to the pub for swift pint on the way home as miserable as sin itself. Shame I never got to time travel though – or indeed end up on that island on a day without a tidal wave!

  1. It’s amazing how you manage to think of characters we all recognize yet are anything but stereotypical. Loved this absurd story and how Dr. Gloom manages to look at anything but the bright side of things;)

    1. A bit like this author – for example Shirley wants to move to a house with a bigger south facing garden. After weeks of looking at Gothic, falling apart mansions and crap semi-detached banal shit type properties we found a place she liked yesterday yet – even though I try not to, all I can see are negatives to the extent she found my gloom so tragically pathetic she burst out laughing and suggested I write up a new character in the house hunting market.

      1. I apologize for not seeing that sooner. I just emailed you back. 🙂 Are you keeping track of all of these characters of yours? It would be very interesting, indeed, to see how many you could bring together in different aspects. Such as Carruthers needs a plumber and gets Jonny Catapault….because the loo is stopped up because Svetlana flushed her nightie out of frustration…so she decided to off herself…by hugging a tree which was really the Jessica tree…where Bobby Bob Bob was camping on his day off and had just run into William Wordsworth… Well, you get the idea. 🙂

      2. Certainly do get the idea and have a few plans spinning around in my head in that regard. Presently they all focus on Tiffany the secretary who has been out of the picture recently.

      3. Ah, yes, I remember her! I really hope you’ll have some more tales from the Foreign Office again, too. Now I see why another house is in order… so you’ll have wall space to hang posters of your character maps. 😉 All kidding aside, though, how did the house shopping go today?

      4. We found a place in Dover that Shirley is very taken with. I need to convince myself about the area as Dover is not as ‘nice’ as Deal. It is an old Victorian lump with 15 plus large rooms and 4 en suites no less. Even has a bespoke music room. The garden is quite old and large yet across a strange looking lane at the back of the house. We are going back again today with G because we are would only consider something this ‘big’ if he is sure he is not moving out in the near future and wants to be independent, self-contained with us. I think in terms of money that would be his preference. I’ll let you know how it goes.

      5. Svetlana is the problem – Dover is full of Svetlana’s, her brothers and sisters to the extent that not much English is spoken there anymore. Actually that is more satire than truth. But yes it is an interesting house and Shirley is in raptures about it. It is nothing like anything I have ever expected to be living in and that worries me a tad. You see Dover lacks the pretentious of ‘poshness’ I seem to treasure so much in my approaching dotage. Don’t get me wrong I actually like Dover for its multi-culture and its undoubted history but do I want to live there? Looks like we may as Shirley is on a roll. At least the port is not far away which means getting to France is a doddle – there is that. Jury out!

      6. Well, I couldn’t stand waiting for your reply, so I looked them both up on the map. They both looked about equally as close to the sea anyway. 🙂 Are they a far drive from each other? Does Dover have many good pubs and other places nearby for you to visit? Another thing I always look at when I’m ready to move is the inside of the nearest grocery store. If there is a lot of “riff raff” walking around the store, I don’t want to move there.

        So is it a “bad” neighborhood, per se? Or just the whole town is not as upper class? It would seem a 15 room house is nothing to sneeze at. And if you run out of things to write about, you’d have room to take in borders and cats! LOL! How many kids and grandkids do you guys have? Enough so that everyone gets their own room?

        You’ve got to take photos and post them on your FB! 🙂 How exciting! 😀

      7. Sorry – I was on the old cross trainer! I just got Shirley to read your reply (are you sure your not twins as you both seem to have the same mindset) and she sees this as exciting as well whereas I’m still a bit Dr Gloom about it. I mean I do find myself in Dover a lot. The castle is sublime and the house is on the edge of town with countryside just up the road. Dare not put details on Facebook just yet in case a UK viewer of such things picks up on what a bargain it is and outbids us but will do when the time is right. We have 4 grandchildren with another due on Christmas Day (my oldest son Milo’s first that will be). Save for Milo all of my kids live in Kent not that far away so I get to see them more than when I was living in Devon. Sooner or later I’ll get my head around living in a Victorian semi-detached lump – George is in the same frame of mind as me about it even though Shirley has offered him the top three rooms as his private domain – there’s no pleasing some! Oh, I shall email you back the thing I’ve been doing a little later – I really enjoyed it.

      8. Ah, twins from across the pond! 🙂 Jeremy moved out a couple of times and quickly saw how expensive it is for a starving artist to live, and he finally realized how to appreciate living at home. I’m sure George will love it once he gets settled in the new house. And you will too. Plus once you get moved, you’ll have all sorts of new inspiration for your awesome stories! Think of THAT! 🙂 I hope you have Milo read my post about Christmas birthdays and they make sure the baby has a separate celebration. LOL! I was already in love with your old house once Shirley posted photos, but the new house sounds simply marvelous! It’s funny you say there’s a castle there in town, because it sounds like your house there is almost a castle! I did see your email, and I’ll look at it in more depth this weekend, but I’m already positive that I’ll love it! 🙂

      9. Actually I will show Milo that earlier post of yours – it was so obvious I should – I think I was having a Carruthers moment! Glad you got the email. I am guessing G and I will get used to the idea if it keeps Shirl happy!

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