svetlana 3

“I say Carruthers how did it go…….you know…….meeting up with that estranged wife of yours last evening?  Where did you dine? Any juicy, spicy tales to impart old chum?”

“Juicy, spicy tales? What the bleddy hell are you on about?”

“Oh…don’t know really….it’s something mater used to say a lot when asking for details of conversations others had had. Never could make head nor tale of it if the truth be told. I just spat it out really. Anyway how did it go?”

“Well obviously we dined at The Ritz and to commence with everything was going swimmingly well. Deirdre asked me how I was getting along without her and I explained that the old house had become a lonely place yet at least Svetlana the maid had kindly been attending to my every need.”


“Then Deirdre dropped the bombshell saying she wanted to return home as that youth of an Italian tennis coach of hers had decided he wanted a younger model. Of course I was taken aback as I had no idea he even held a driving licence let alone was getting a new car – odd though when you think about it. Why should him buying a spanking new motor prompt Deirdre to want to come home?”

“Yes that is rather odd.”

“Anyway Deirdre said that provided I was willing to acknowledge and fulfil her desires she would be prepared to give the marriage another try. When she said ‘desires’ I assumed she meant she wanted me to get her the new pruning shears she had been going on and on about prior to leaving me. Of course I told her straight orf the bat that she should consider the pruning shears a given.  That’s when she dropped the next Dum Dum in my direction. Deirdre told me, ‘No you fuckwit I want a baby.’ Crikey I thought to myself.”

“Crikey indeed. How did you respond?”

“Changed the subject as it happened – the gals always fall for that I find. So as to deflect the conversation in a new direction I made mention of the night not long after she’d abandoned me when in the deepest of slumbers I was awoken in the bed chamber by an entirely naked Svetlana who was straddled across my body and how shocked I was to find I had no jim-jams on. I thought I’d be emotionally scarred for life at the very sight of her bits I can tell you.  However I explained that Svetlana had said she was simply applying an old tried and tested Romanian relaxation therapy to relieve stress and anxiety. Strangely at this point I could detect from her expression that Deirdre’s previous kindly demeanour seemed to be turning sour for some unaccountable reason.”

“No jim-jams! What on earth were you thinking of?”

“Couldn’t say….I’ve never taken to the old pit devoid of them before…..anyhow and moving on Deirdre then said with a curious, inquisitive glint in her eye, ‘Tell me more.’ So I did just that. I went on to explain that some weeks later Svetlana collared me over breakfast and advised me that she was carrying my one and only heir. I laughed at this for as you can see I have a fine head of hair yet told her she was welcome to this one – all the time thinking she must have discovered it when changing the sheets or such like. Whatever, at this Svetlana said, ‘Normally in these circumstances I would get rid of it yet since I’ve have discovered the full extent of your assets and financial portfolio I think I’ll hang on to this one.’ Again I told her she was more than welcome to keep it at which she beamed gratefully and told me that coming from peasant family who had never known anything other than abject poverty I had just made her the happiest woman alive.”

“How lovely! It doesn’t take a lot to make these Eastern European gypsy stock types happy does it? The simple gift of a hair – beggars belief really.”

“The thing is I thought this a jolly nice tale yet no sooner as I had spoken Deirdre emptied her plate of butter poached lobster with cauliflower puree, ginger and cardamom broth over my head and promptly stormed orf in floods of tears saying she’d rather be destitute and sleep under Waterloo Bridge than return home to the old mansion in the shires to an utter bastard like me.”

“What a waste of lobster – I’ve never heard the like of it. So you’re back to square one again….just you, the maid Svetlana and her affection for your hair. Sounds to me like you could do with a jigger or two down at the club.”

“How very, very true – I could and likely will murder all the jiggers you can aim in my direction. By the way that Svetlana isn’t half putting on weight about the waist for one whom barely eats enough to fill a hollow tooth.”




    1. Never for it is the British way of things. We have a way of – the old saying goes – ‘looking a gift horse in the mouth.’ Crikey he still hasn’t realized he’s been procreating with Svetlana. You’ve got me wondering what might happen if he inadvertently digested Viagra!

  1. What a waste of lobster! What a brilliant line that is. It totally sums up the character of Carruthers and his sidekick. How on Earth Carruthers and Deirdre ever hooked up I’ll never know, but I reckon that must have been a misunderstanding of epic proportions!
    Great stuff!

      1. I’m guessing a combination of time travel, alcohol, more alcohol and a divine intervention of some sorts are needed to pair Deirdre and Carruthers…but I leave it to you to figure this one out…(though you’re forgiven for leaving some stuff to the reader’s imagination;))

      1. Just playing along after sozsatire post about how someone was murdered because of her comments.

        I was hoping you would understand the humour…

        I see you did.

  2. LOL! This was epic!! Well worth the wait!! I’d love to see Svetlana pop out a child of a different ethnicity and see how Carruthers bumbled that one! Thank you for bringing Carruthers back!! You know how much I adore him! ❤

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